To Breathe Again: A Second Wind
by LM5657
Summary: *Continued from - "To Breathe Again". Dee Dee continues to experience tragic life-altering events. Will she follow her heart or her mind? Which one will lead her to survival?
1. Chapter 1

**To Breathe Again: Second Wind**

_**The continuation of "To Breathe Again"**_

**by LM**

**Disclaimer** - _I do not own any rights to, nor am I in any way affiliated with the television show "Hunter", its staff or characters._

**[Rated: T]** - Suitable for teens, 13 years and older, with some violence, minor coarse language, and minor suggestive adult themes.

**_Summary:_** When Dee Dee experiences extreme life-altering events, she must decide if returning to an old life and an old friend is the best thing for her in order for her to survive. Will she follow her heart, her mind, or neither?

(Chapter One)

Nearly an hour had passed before Mark returned to AJ's room. "Dee Dee? Do you need anything?"

Dee Dee raised her weary head from the bed. "Come and meet my baby." She extended her hand to Mark. "Come see my little boy."

Mark moved tentatively toward the bed of the frail child. "He's beautiful." He noted the resemblance of Dee Dee in the child's face, along with a few remaining stray dark curls peeking from the edges of the bandages on his head. "He looks like you."

"Thank you." Dee Dee mustered a faint smile. "He has my dark eyes, too. But he's got his daddy's nose and his stout frame. He's my little tough guy." She noted how delicate he truly was. "I love him so much."

"I'm sure he's crazy about his mom, too."

"Yeah, I know he is. I must admit that I do have him spoiled to a certain extent. He's not spoiled as in being a brat, mind you. He's had minor swats on the bottom when he's tried to be the parent and defy me or his father." Dee Dee smiled a little as she shook her head. "You should hear him when he really gets going. He's very smart and loves to talk. Though he can't pronounce every word perfectly, he's quite advanced for two years old. He's so active…runs, jumps and climbs up on _anything_ and _everything_. He loves chasing ducks in the park, which means I have to chase after him." As quickly as she smiled at the idea, the thoughts and visions of the past were too much for her to bear. "My baby can't play, now. He can't laugh…he can't…run, he can't…he can't do anything." She buried her face in the covers and sobbed.

Mark stood with sorrow in his heart and gently placed a hand on Dee Dee's shoulder; wishing he could do more for her.

The door opened slightly and a gentle voice was heard. "Mrs. Turnan. I hate to disturb you, but visiting hours are over. You can return early in the morning."

Dee Dee wiped her tears and looked at the nurse. "Can't I stay with him tonight? He needs me."

"I'm sorry, but we don't allow overnight visits in this unit." The nurse tried to be as sympathetic as possible. "We have a hotel adjoined to the hospital, and we do have a large sitting area for the parents down the hall. The chairs are recliners; quite large and comfortable."

Dee Dee looked at the clock on the wall, noting that it was still before midnight. "Today's his birthday….his second." Her voice quivered while the tears streaked her face and she turned to Mark. "You didn't know that, did you? He and his Daddy share a birthday and we were leaving their celebration dinner when…when it happened."

Mark's heart began to break at hearing the news. "No, I didn't know. I'm so sorry."

"His birthday." Dee Dee whispered. "I have to stay with him."

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Turnan, but you can't." The nurse reminded her. "We have rules."

"I don't care! Don't you understand what I'm saying?" Dee Dee became irate as she stood up. "The doctor told me that he's already…he's….if not for the machines…" She pulled in a gulp of air and steadied her wobbly frame. "My baby boy was born on this day, two years ago! And now…his life is over on the very day he was brought into this world!" Her body shook as she sobbed. "How can you make me leave him? How? How can you?"

A second nurse offered her condolences. "I'm so very sorry, but we can't do anything about it."

Before Dee Dee could step closer to confront the nurses, Mark intervened and spoke to them. "May I speak to you ladies outside, please?"

They glanced at each other and followed him out into the hallway as Dee Dee returned to her seat.

"Listen, I know you have hospital rules, but that woman in there is suffering." Mark said sternly. "Her two year old child isn't going to wake up again. Can't she have just the one night with him?"

"Sir, I understand, but there's nothing we can do." One of the nurses replied. "It's because the baby's in ICU. There are no exceptions for anyone. The ward is for those who are very ill and we can't have family members in the way if there's an emergency for any of our patients. I'm sorry."

Mark thought for a moment. He didn't want to sound morbid, but his possible solution may cause him to sound as such. "Listen to me. You know all the details of the baby's medical state. He's already gone. You know well enough that he's only in that room because that machine is breathing for him until his family arrives and his mother says it's time to let him go. Why not ask the doctor to place him a room away from the ward, where his mother and the family members can be with him when the machine is turned off? Take the machine into another room for him." Mark's pleading eyes were filled with anger and grief. "Help Mrs. Turnan. Help her spend a few more hours with her child. She needs this and you know it. She lost her husband today, too. What more can she stand? Wouldn't you plead the same if you were in her shoes? Please. _Help_ her."

Both nurses stood with tears in their eyes and one told Mark she'd speak to AJ's doctor about the plan. She also told Mark that Dee Dee had a great friend in him.

When the three parted ways, Mark returned to Dee Dee and told her not to worry about leaving just yet. Within fifteen minutes, Dr. Benson arrived and gave Dee Dee the news that AJ would indeed be moved to another room which contained a convertible chair/bed for her to sleep in. She would be able to stay beside her baby until it was time to say goodbye.

Dee Dee mustered a soft 'thank you' to both men and turned her attention back to her son. "I'm here, precious." She stroked AJ's cheek. "Mommy's going to sing to you, okay?"

With tears in his eyes, Mark quietly moved toward Dee Dee and placed his hand on her shoulder. "I'll be in the waiting room."

She nodded, but kept her focus on AJ.

As Mark began to leave, he heard Dee Dee begin to sing _'You Send Me'_. His heart ached for her and he wished he could find a way to ease her suffering.

After singing the song twice, Dee Dee kissed little AJ's cheeks. "You're mommy's most treasured gift, my sweet boy. I love you so very, very much." She began to shed tears as the reality grew stronger. She lay her head down on AJ's bed and stroked his fingernails with the tip of her index finger.

"Mrs. Turnan?" The nurse called softly. "We're ready to take little Alexander to his new room."

"Come on, Dee Dee." Mark had come in behind the nurse. "I'll walk with you."

"Okay. Just a second." She replied tearfully as she turned to her son. "I'll be back with you in a few minutes, Sweet-pea. Mommy loves you." Due to the baby being connected to the machines, it was difficult for Dee Dee to hug him, but she did her best. "You're mommy's big boy." A tear dropped from her eye and fell above AJ's chest. "I'll see you in a bit."

Mark extended his hand, and Dee Dee reluctantly left her child's side after kissing his cheeks and forehead again. With their hands linked, Mark and Dee Dee were silent as they walked to their destination.

After little AJ was placed in his new room, Dee Dee and Mark entered, and when Dee Dee sat beside her son and placed her hand on his little chest, Mark remained at her side. When he suggested she try and eat something, she told him as he expected…that she wasn't hungry.

"I'll get you some soup, anyway. It's not heavy. Maybe you can handle a little of it."

Mark left the room while Dee Dee continued to talk quietly to her little boy while she rest her head beside his; feeling weary and mentally drained, her eyes began to flutter shut. When Mark returned, he quietly entered the room and placed the bowl of soup and a package of crackers on the counter. He didn't want to intrude, so he turned to walk to the waiting area.

"Alex?" Dee Dee called as she slowly lifted her head.

"No, uh…it's me, Mark."

Gathering her senses while looking around the room, Dee Dee realized she wasn't at home with her family. A cold chill ran across her body.

"Oh, Mark. I thought…you were Alex and that we were…" She stopped and looked at AJ. "My baby. Oh, my baby. I thought we were home and we were safe." Her heart broke all over again as she began to whimper. "AJ…oh, baby. I'm so sorry."

Mark moved timidly to her side again and placed a hand on her shoulder. Wishing he had more to offer.

"I don't want to be here alone." Dee Dee sniffled. "I'm scared."

"I know, and I won't leave you."

Dee Dee looked up at Mark gratefully. "Are you sure?" She asked. "Do you have family that you should be with? Someone must be worried about you."

"No, I'm fine." Mark answered. "I'm actually here in London alone. I'm taking a little time from things back home in the states."

Though unaware of what Mark was taking a break from, Dee Dee felt better at knowing that she wasn't keeping him from anything of importance. "I'm glad you can stay."

"So am I."

The nurses were kind enough to bring extra blankets and pillows for Mark and he managed to make himself fairly comfortable in the large chair across from Dee Dee and AJ.

Dee Dee's mind and body could only take so much from the events, and though she fought against it, exhaustion began to settle in. She turned down the offer for a light sedative; telling the doctor that she wanted to be able to remember each moment spent with her baby. After Mark converted the little sofa into a bed for her, she pulled off her shoes and stretched out; lying on her right side and reaching across to place her left hand on AJ's left hand. Sleep did come to her, but not strongly enough to keep her in deep slumber or even to sleep lightly for any more than a half hour at a time.

Mark slept lightly. He felt guilty that he may be able to sleep when Dee Dee couldn't. He was tired, drained, but knew it was nothing like what the woman he tended to was feeling. He slept for a few minutes at a time, sometimes being awakened by nurses entering and exiting the room to check on AJ. He was surprised that Dee Dee seemed to have taken some control over her tears. Maybe she was too tired to cry. He sat quietly, wondering just who she really was. He knew that she was much, much more than just a woman he'd met several hours ago; a woman whose life has taken a most tragic turn. He thought that if she pulls through all of this without a mental breakdown, she's a very strong woman and that something or someone in her past had made her that way. _What_ was it? _Who_ was it?

A soft knock came from the door and a nurse entered. "Mrs. Turnan?"

"Yes." Dee Dee looked up.

"I'm sorry to bother you, but we need to know which funeral services you'd like us to call for your husband?"

Dee Dee shivered as the words traveled through her like ice water. "I…I don't know." She and Alex hadn't had to attend any funerals while in London, so they weren't familiar with what services to use. They never even discussed burial for themselves, only the insurance funds that would take care of the surviving family member or members. "I thought…_we_ thought we'd have more time for that, I guess." She almost laughed at how absurd the explanation sounded. "I just don't know."

"I have friends who may be able to help." Mark announced. "I'll give them a call."

"Thank you." Dee Dee replied gratefully.

Mark left moments after the nurse and placed the call. Within half an hour, he was back at Dee Dee's side and the two of them gave the nurse the information she needed. He then tried to encourage Dee Dee to eat something for breakfast, though she wouldn't have more than a cup of coffee. Mark ate a breakfast sandwich and drank orange juice, though his own appetite wasn't at its usual peak for the morning hours. He knew he'd need to keep up his strength to provide the support Dee Dee would need. Several hours went by and he listened intently to Dee Dee as she spoke and sang to little AJ. He was in awe of her strength and compassion. He couldn't imagine himself in her shoes and hoped and prayed he would never know the feeling. He sighed and Dee Dee turned to him.

"Is something wrong?" She asked.

"Oh, no. I'm okay." Mark answered. "I'm just going to stand up and stretch my legs. Is there something I can do for you?"

"I don't think so. Thank you for asking." Dee Dee smiled softly.

"She's worried about me? With all that's crashing down around her, she's concerned about me?" Mark questioned silently, feeling guilty as he stood and looked out the window; slowly taking a look over his shoulder. _"She's an amazing woman."_

Moments later, a soft knocking came from the opposite side of the door. "Come in." Dee Dee replied softly.

"Dee Dee?"

Dee Dee turned to the familiar voice. "Rick." She slowly stood to greet him.

"I'm here, sweetheart." Rick moved closer, put his arms around her and pulled her close; his eyes burning with tears as he looked over at his Godson. "Oh, AJ." He whispered.

"I'll leave you guys alone." Mark started across the room. "If you need me, I'll be in the waiting room."

Rick wanted to say something; to at least introduce himself, but didn't want to disturb Dee Dee as she held onto him. He nodded to Mark and quietly mouthed 'thank you' to him.

Dee Dee looked up. "Mark. Wait." "I want to…I…"

"Dee Dee?" Rick felt her body go limp in his arms. "Dee Dee, honey?"

"Nurse, we need help!" Mark called from the doorway. He glanced back and saw Rick had scooped Dee Dee up into his arms.

(Continued...)


	2. Chapter 2

**To Breathe Again: A Second Wind**

**by LM**

(Chapter Two)

After filling Rick in on the details of the accident, Mark sat in silence, trying to take in all that's happened.

"She just went limp. What's going on?" Rick questioned aloud while pacing the waiting room floor. "What in the world is happening? Why Dee Dee? What kind of sense are we to make of this?"

Mark, with his head bowed down, heaved a sigh. "None that I know of. I can't understand any of it."

"Mr. Hunter? Mr. Atkins?" A nurse called to the men. "You can see Mrs. Turnan."

"She's okay?" Rick asked anxiously.

"She's awake, but very tired and weak. She hasn't had any sustenance in more than twenty-six hours, she's dehydrated and exhausted. She'll be in bed for a day or two."

Mark and Rick both sighed with a little relief and then followed the nurse to Dee Dee's room. Rick was the first to enter with Mark close behind.

"Dee Dee?" Rick stood beside her bed and gently took her hand. "Honey, can you hear me? It's me, Rick. Mark's here, too."

Mark moved a little closer to the bed. "Dee Dee?"

Dee Dee's eyes opened slowly and she tried to focus. "Rick? Mark? I feel so tired." She reached up to feel the oxygen tubes in her nose. "What happened?" She looked at both men and then at the hanging bag of saline drip. "I'm in the hospital? Why?"

Rick hesitated to bring up all that's happened. "You've been through a lot. You passed out from the stress and exhaustion."

Dee Dee had a sudden flash of the accident. "Oh, no." A tear trailed her cheek. "Mark, you were there."

"Yes. I was there." Mark replied solemnly.

"AJ. They didn't…?" She looked to both men in fear. "Is he…?"

"No, they didn't." Rick answered. "He's still in his room."

"Thank God." Dee Dee sighed with relief. "You have to help me up. I have to see my baby."

"We can't." Rick replied. "You're too sick. You have to stay in bed for a while."

"No, I don't." Dee Dee replied a little louder than before. "I need to be with AJ." She tried to sit up, but a wave of dizziness hit her. Rick placed his hand on the back of her neck and slowly helped to lower her back down. "Please, Rick. "Let me go to him." She pulled the oxygen tube from her nose. "Take me to my baby. If you won't take me, then Mark…" She looked to him with pleading eyes. "You take me."

"I'm sorry, Dee Dee, but I can't." Mark replied. "You're not well enough."

"Fine." Dee Dee huffed. "I'll go by myself." She started her second attempt to rise from bed. "Let go of my hand, Rick." When he didn't abide, she became more agitated and reached for the I.V tube to remove it from her arm.

"Dee Dee, stop it." Rick commanded. "You're not going anywhere. You have to get yourself well."

Mark pressed the call button and a nurse came in right away. "She's trying to fight her way out of bed." He told her.

"I was afraid of that." The nurse said. "I came prepared." She placed a sealed syringe and a bottle on the table. "Mrs. Turnan, I'm going to give you a sedative. The doctor ordered it for you in case you refused to stay in bed."

"But I have to see my son." Dee Dee tried to put even more force behind her shaky voice. "I can't stay here. My baby is alone. He needs me."

"I'm sorry, but the doctor said you need your rest and some nourishment." The nurse reminded her. "You can see your baby tomorrow." She then removed the syringe from its package and filled it with the medication to be injected into the IV drip.

"Please don't do this to me." Dee Dee's eyes were filled with tears. "Rick, stop her. _Please _help me."

Rick's heart ached for her, but he knew the doctor was doing the right thing. "Sweetheart, it's for your own good. You'll rest up and be strong enough to spend time with AJ, soon."

Dee Dee looked to Mark. "He won't help me. Why won't _you_?"

"Because he's right. You need to rest. You've been up for an entire day."

Disappointed in both men, Dee Dee sighed with tears in her eyes and turned away from them in anger.

"I'll go sit with AJ if you'd like." Rick suggested. "Mark can stay here with you, if that's okay."

Dee Dee, with her head still turned, answered barely in a whisper. "Okay. Kiss him for me and tell him I'll see…" Her words were cut short by a yawn. "…him…soon. She continued sleepily as the sedative was working very quickly. "Tell him not to be…afraid, and that I love him."

After the nurse checked Dee Dee's vitals, she told both men that she'd been sleeping for several hours; gaining the much needed rest she's gone without.

Rick waited until she was in a deep sleep and then had a brief conversation to get to know a little more about Mark and the accident.

"I'm so glad you were here for her. God knows she didn't need to be alone." Rick shook his head at the thought. "I can't imagine what it was like to for her to see the accident."

"Neither can I." Mark replied. "I mean, I was there and I saw it, but it didn't happen to my family."

Rick thanked him for all he's done for Dee Dee, and excused himself to be with his Godson as Mark sat beside Dee Dee.

"AJ? Hey, little guy. It's your Uncle Rick. I…" Before he could continue, his words suddenly caught in his throat and tears ran down his cheeks. He lowered his head in his hands and cried.

Three hours later, Dee Dee's mother, Anna Kimball entered AJ's room. "Rick?"

Rick turned to see her standing a few feet away from him. "Anna." He stood to greet her with a hug.

When the two pulled apart, Anna looked to her left to see the tiny little boy in the hospital bed. "My little grandson. My AJ. My poor little angel." She began to cry. "Can he hear me, Rick?"

"The doctors say no, that he can't."

"He's that heavily sedated?"

"No." Rick sighed deeply. "It's that he's hurt so badly that he…"

"Oh, no. He's…oh, God. No. Dee Dee must be devastated. How can this be happening?"

"I don't understand any of it, either." Rick added.

Anna moved closer to the bed and kissed the child in each cheek. "AJ? It's Mimi, sweetheart. I'm here, honey." She took his hand in hers and looked back to Rick as she wiped away a tear. "Where's Dee Dee?"

Rick cleared his throat. "She's uh…she's been admitted for exhaustion. She collapsed in my arms."

"What?" Anna asked in surprise and concern. "When? What did the doctor say? Will she be okay?"

"She needs plenty of rest and to be treated for dehydration, but she'll be fine."

"Oh, thank God." Anna sighed with relief. "Where is her room? I need to see her."

Remembering his promise to Dee Dee, Rick hesitated as he felt guilty about leaving AJ alone, but he knew Anna needed support from a friend as well. "I'll show you."

When they arrived at Dee Dee's room, Rick saw that Dee Dee was still asleep. He quickly introduced Anna to Mark and excused himself to return to AJ.

Mark stood and let Anna have his chair and left to sit in the waiting room to allow her some time with her daughter.

"Dee Dee? Sweetheart, it's Mom." Anna stroked her daughter's cheek with the back of her hand. "My poor baby girl. You've been through so much, haven't you? But you're a fighter. You'll make it." Anna moved her hand to place it on Dee Dee's. It had only been a little over two years since her husband, Dee Dee's father, Paul died. Dee Dee was one week into her eighth month of pregnancy with AJ, and Anna worried so much about her and the baby when she and Alex flew back to California for the funeral. She feared that such a long flight to and from the cities would be a danger to them, and the stress of her father's sudden death by way of a heart attack had taken a toll on Dee Dee. The two had grown a bit closer during the past few years; making up a little for the lack of a close bond before. He'd finally begun to realize that his daughter needed more than the material things he'd provided throughout her life…that she needed the affection and support of a loving father. He'd even planned on being at the hospital with Anna during the birth of their grandchild. Though Anna knew her child was strong, deep down she wondered if all of this would be the thing to break her.

"Hey, AJ." Rick sat beside the baby's bed. "It's your uncle Rick, again. Your Mommy sends a kiss and all her love to you." He leaned over and kissed AJ on the cheek. "She'll see you soon, okay? I want you to know how much I love you. You're like my own little boy, you know? I wish so much that I could take your place, sweetheart. You should be getting ready for your big birthday party tomorrow, instead of being here. I know it's not fair, is it? It's not fair at all." Rick lowered his head into his hands and sobbed even harder than before.

– - -

For the next several hours, Anna, Rick and Mark took turns of keeping watch over Dee Dee and AJ, as well as taking turns going to the cafeteria to bring food back for the three of them. They'd each checked themselves into the adjoined hotel, but rarely spent any time in their rooms; just long enough to freshen up and change clothes. Unlike Rick and Anna who brought clothes along, Mark had to make a quick run to the store for a change of clothes and toiletries. He and his companions got to know one another fairly well as the hours went on, and Mark was made to feel quite welcomed by them and they reminded him of their gratitude.

"Come in." Rick said at hearing a knock on the door.

Charles Devane stepped inside the room. "Hunter."

"Charlie. Come on in." Rick stood and greeted him with a handshake.

"Oh, my God." Charlie looked at the small, fragile child. "The poor baby. How is he?"

Rick sighed and looked down at his Godson. "He's leaving us, Charlie."

Charlie looked at Rick in shock. He had no idea of the severity of AJ's injuries. Rick asked Charlie to take a seat while he leaned against the wall to fill him in on all that he knew. When he'd finished, he stood with tears in his eyes as Charlie allowed several of his own to drop. "My God. How much does Dee Dee have to go through?" He said. "She's had so much death around her in such a short time. I didn't think she'd make it through losing Steve, but she did it. But this…this is too much."

Rick nodded in agreement. "It really is. All we can do is to support her, you know?"

"Yeah. I know." Charlie wiped his tears. "I'd like to go and see her, now."

Rick gave him Dee Dee's room number, and Charlie was on his way. When he arrived, he found Anna and Mark at her side. He'd only met Anna twice before; once at Steve's funeral and again at Dee Dee and Alex's wedding. Anna introduced him to Mark and then Charlie began to question Dee Dee's condition. When Anna clued him in, he began to speak gently with encouraging words to Dee Dee as he held her hand. He placed a kiss on her forehead and excused himself out of the room. Feeling overwhelmed, he decided not to return to AJ's room just yet, but instead to get himself checked into the same hotel as the others had done.

Later in the night, the group traded off in shifts to stay with AJ and Dee Dee.

Rick turned from the window when he heard Dee Dee mumble in her sleep. Before he could move to her side, Dee Dee inhaled sharply with her eyes still closed, and sat up with a cry. "AJ? Alex? Where are you? Where are you?" With a shiver, her eyes opened and she looked around the room and down at the guardrails on the bed. "Why am I…?" She threw back the covers and tried to release the guardrails. "Let me out of here!"

"Dee Dee, honey. Calm down." Rick raced to her side and embraced her. "You're in the hospital. AJ's in the hospital, too. He's in another room."

"Rick?" Dee Dee looked to him in confusion. "What's going on?"

Rick knew the medication combined with wrecked nerves and exhaustion, were toying with Dee Dee's mind. "Listen to me, sweetheart." Rick's words caught in his throat at the idea of reminding Dee Dee of what happened. "There was a car accident. Alex and AJ…"

"No, Rick. No." Scenes from the accident came flooding back into her mind. She looked up at him with hope. "Please let it be a nightmare. _Please_."

Rick slowly shook his head with tears burning his eyes. "No, honey. I'm sorry. It's not a nightmare. I'm so, so sorry."

(Continued...)


	3. Chapter 3

(Chapter Three)

Rick held on to Dee Dee for several minutes before she slowly pulled herself away. "I have to see my baby."

"Let me get a nurse to bring a wheelchair in."

Once the doctor gave his approval for Dee Dee to leave her room, Rick wheeled her to see her son. When they entered, she was overwhelmed at seeing her mother, Mark and Charlie all sitting around AJ's bed. She burst into tears over the love and support they offered, and they each took a turn at hugging and trying to console her. After she was settled next her son's bed, Rick supported her by the arm as she stood and leaned over to kiss the baby.

"Hi, sweetheart. Mommy's sorry she wasn't here all night. I'm so glad that everyone was here to look after you."

"We'll leave you alone." Rick said as the two men followed him.

Dee Dee thanked them and then turned to her mother. "When did you get here, mom?"

"Several hours ago. I stayed with you in your room for quite a while. I was so worried about you."

"I'm sorry to have worried you all." Dee Dee replied solemnly. "I didn't mean to."

"It's not your fault." Anna reassured. "You had no control over it. We're just glad you're awake, now."

The two talked to AJ as if he were awake; Anna knowing it was at the moment the best thing for Dee Dee. Soon, Alex's aunt and uncle, Evelyn and Neil Turnan, arrived from California. They were heartbroken at losing their nephew who was raised as their only child, and they had taken on the roles of grandparents to little Alexander. They visited with Dee Dee and her family for a while before getting settled in the hotel.

Dee Dee had her mother call everyone back into AJ's room as she wanted to make an announcement. "I thank all of you so much for coming." She began. "I hope I can continue to count on your support with my decision."

Everyone waited anxiously to hear the news.

"I've decided to have the funerals in California." She looked to each face for any sign of disagreement. "I know you all came here at a moment's notice, expecting the services to be here, but I want them home." When she checked the faces again, she saw soft, understanding expressions and nods of agreement. "AJ was born here, but his family is from California. I don't mean to put anyone through any trouble, but I really want this."

"And you'll have it." Anna replied and put her arms around Dee Dee. "I think it's a wonderful idea."

Everyone agreed with Anna and told Dee Dee she had their utmost support.

Dee Dee sighed. "Thank you all. Thank you so much." She turned to Mark. "Will you be able to make it?"

"Of course I will. I actually live in southern California and I'm going home, soon."

"I'm so glad you'll be there." Dee Dee added with a faint smile.

Everyone made plans of where to sleep for the night. Neil, Evelyn and Mark would spend the night in their hotel rooms. Dee Dee wanted to remain with AJ for the rest of the night, but her family and of course, the doctor wouldn't allow it. They persuaded her to return to her own room for more rest. She reluctantly agreed, but seeing as how she had to have enough strength to endure the long trip and funeral service, she did as she was told. Anna would stay with AJ while Rick would stay with Dee Dee. Neil volunteered to get started on the funeral arrangements; to have the bodies flown to California, and Mark offered his help by getting Dee Dee's car and purse released from the police impound. The car, with the purse still inside, had been towed there after she abandoned it at the scene. Evelyn took on the task of calling one of Dee Dee's neighbors, Mrs. Leyland, a sweet older woman who would babysit little AJ when she and Dee Dee felt the weather was too harsh for him to be out. She'd volunteered her services months before the baby was born, and she and Dee Dee had become quite close. Mrs. Leyland had just read about the accident in the newspaper, and was devastated even more by hearing Evelyn confirm it. Evelyn asked if she would contact any other neighbors, and friends as well as Alex's supervisor at Oxford. Between the four of them, they'd gotten several things put into motion quite quickly.

– -

"Are you comfortable?" Rick asked as he fluffed Dee Dee's pillow.

"I guess."

Rick sat in the chair beside her bed. "Well, just let me know if you need anything."

"What I need…" Dee Dee sighed and sank into her pillows. "What I need, no one can give me. No one."

"I know, sweetheart." Rick sighed in sympathy. "I'm sorry that I can't make things right again."

"I appreciate you being here." Dee Dee looked to her best friend. "Mark has been wonderful, and I'm grateful to have him here, but there's nothing like having your close family and friends with you during a time like this."

Rick knew that she meant the statement with all her heart, but if anyone would only judge by her demeanor, they wouldn't know it. He knew she had to be mentally drained and just plain numb while living through hell.

"You don't have to tell me that you appreciate me, Dee Dee. I know that, and I always will."

Dee Dee yawned and slid down further beneath the covers."Well, I think it's nice for you to hear."

"Thank you." Rick accepted her gratitude.

Rick?"

"Yes?"

"This may sound silly or childish, but would you hold my hand while I sleep?"

"It's not silly or childish at all." Rick turned off the overhead light and moved his fold-out bed closer to Dee Dee. He placed a kiss on her cheek and settled in beside her.

"I love you, Dee Dee."

"I love you, too, Rick."

Within minutes, the duo began to drift off to sleep.

– –

The next morning, Anna had taken a taxi to Dee Dee's house to pick up some fresh clothes for her. She didn't stay any longer than needed to get the clothes, and didn't dare look inside her grandson's bedroom. It was hard enough for her to see the family photos on the wall and a few scattered toy blocks on the floor of the den.

Dee Dee was feeling stronger and had been able to eat a decent breakfast before visiting AJ. The family gathered in the child's room and surrounded his bed; linking hands in prayer led by Evelyn. Abandoning her wheelchair for the moment, Dee Dee stood with the others; Rick on one side, her mother on the other side. Rick could feel the tightening of her grip as the prayer went on. He took a peek to see if she was alright and saw that she was shaking her head 'no'. When the prayer was over, he asked if she was okay.

"No." She replied. "I'm not okay with knowing that God allowed this to happen and that I'm supposed to accept it without question. We're standing here and asking God to take Alex and AJ into his loving arms as they've left ours." She pursed her lips and furrowed her brow. "I don't understand it at all. Is this what happens because I've never been as religious as God may have wanted? Is my faith being tested?" She began to cry and everyone else had tears in their eyes. "People say that God isn't cruel, but as I see it, he allows cruel things to happen. Why?" She buried her face in Rick's chest and sobbed. The family tried to offer words of comfort, but Dee Dee didn't respond. She held on to Rick as he guided her to a chair and sat beside her, never breaking their grasp. The others stood by feeling helpless; some silently praying for Dee Dee's strength and faith to be restored.

The anger in Dee Dee's heart began to grow stronger, but she held on...kept it inside. After a few moments, she regained some composure and asked Anna to return to her room with her so she could shower and change clothes while the rest of the family remained with her baby. As Anna sat and watched television, Dee Dee stood beneath pouring warm water of the shower. A wave of emotions flooded her mind as she knew what was to follow within the next hour. She leaned against the tile and sobbed for all that she had lost.

Dee Dee sat on the bed in her robe while Anna used comb and blow dryer to style her hair for her. Dee Dee closed her eyes and as she felt a slight release of tension from the action. When Anna was finished with her hair, she dressed and met the others in the hall. She'd refused the wheelchair as she wanted to walk on her own to handle the overwhelming task at hand.

"Are you ready?" Anna asked.

"Yes." Dee Dee sighed. "Let's go."

With a nurse leading the way, Anna and Rick walked on either side of Dee Dee as they headed for the elevator to the morgue. She hadn't seen Alex since the day he died, but she needed to see him once more before his funeral. Like AJ, his face wasn't marred at all. He'd suffered a head injury which left a small scar, but the worst of his injuries were internal. He'd suffered a broken neck, and a broken rib which punctured his heart. He had no chance at all.

"Alex, I'm so sorry." Dee Dee began. "I love you so much, sweetheart. I'm sorry I couldn't save you and our baby." She wiped her tears. "I know that you two will be together, but that won't stop me from being selfish and wanting you here with me. Yes, sweetheart. Our baby is leaving me, too." She began to cry harder. "I don't know why this has happened, Alex. I wish I did, but I don't. It makes no sense at all." She felt her mother's gentle hand stroking her back, while Rick put his arm around her waist. "I have to go, now. I have to take care of the baby. I have to let him join you." Her body shook with grief. "I have to…say goodbye…to you both. I love you, Alex. Thank you for loving me, too."

Anna and Rick wiped their tears and escorted Dee Dee back upstairs to be with her son. When they arrived at his room, they allowed her to go inside alone as she wished.

"Hi, precious boy. It's mommy." Dee Dee kissed her baby and sat beside the bed. "Sweetheart, I'm sorry I couldn't save you from being hurt. I would have done anything to prevent it. _Anything_. I would have died for you." She truly wished she could have. "The doctor's tried to make you all better, but they just couldn't do it. They said you were a very strong little boy and that you fought hard to stay here with mommy. I'm so proud of you, my sweet boy. So proud. We were going to have a really big birthday party for you today." She paused at the thought. "No, the sketti dinner and cake wasn't your party. That was just a little something for you and daddy to share together since he was going out of town." She mustered a faint smile as she held AJ's little hand. "I know that you and daddy will have millions of wonderful birthdays together in Heaven, but you would have had such fun with playing with the kids from your playgroup from the park. They were all going to bring you nice presents, and play games and eat lots of ice cream and cake with you. Mommy and daddy got you lots of new books, toys and clothes, too."

She sighed brokenheartedly at the thought of all that would not happen for her son to celebrate his birth this year. Baby? Mommy has to do something that's very, very hard to do. I…I have to say…goodbye to you." Dee Dee grabbed a tissue from the box and dabbed her eyes. "Your daddy is waiting for you, honey. You and he will be in Heaven together. I prayed so hard for God to let you both stay here with me forever, but God has his own plans." Dee Dee began to cry harder with betrayal in her heart. "I don't guess we can always have what we want. You have to know that I won't ever, ever forget you, precious. I love you so much, Alexander. I love you. My heart hurts because I can't have you and daddy with me anymore." Dee Dee placed her head beside AJ's and sobbed. "Why, God? Why? I don't understand. What did Alex and AJ do to deserve death?" With her eyes closed, she continued to question God's plan. Her heart pounded with rage, sorrow and distress. When she thought her heart would explode, she felt the presence of someone standing beside her. With her her eyes still closed, she sighed at feeling a small amount of comfort from the presence. "Alex, it's you, isn't it? You came to be with me to say goodbye to our baby. You've come to take him with you, haven't you?" Dee Dee opened her eyes and just as she expected, no one was there to be seen. She knew that Alex's spirit had indeed been by her side. She slowly raised her head and kissed her baby again. "Daddy's waiting for you, precious. I'll let you go to him in a minute." She stepped into the hall to call her family inside. Mark alerted the nurse who she called the doctor to come to the room. Everyone took turns saying their goodbyes to baby Alexander; stroking his cheeks and kissing his face and his little fingertips. Dee Dee stood with her mother and Rick at her side. Mark, Charlie, Evelyn and Neil were close by with tissues soaked with their tears. The doctor entered and asked Dee Dee if she was ready to proceed.

"Yes. It's time to let him go." She said with a sluggish tone. "He needs to go and be with his daddy."

(Continued...)


	4. Chapter 4

(Chapter Four)

The doctor nodded and asked the nurse to assist him in removing the apparatus from the baby. He called the time of death and offered his condolences to Dee Dee and the family.

Since she could now reach him, Dee Dee gently lifted AJ's head from the pillow and cradled him for a few seconds. "I'm glad I had you for as long as I did. I love you and I'll miss you, angel." She kissed him once more and gently placed his head back on the pillow. She then allowed Rick and Mark to escort her from the room as the rest of the group followed.

Dee Dee returned to her room just long enough for the doctor to give her a quick once-over and to sign her release forms and to write a prescription for a mild sedative. Everyone waited downstairs for Rick and Anna to bring her down. They all noted how fragile she looked. Under the circumstances, how could she not look fragile?

She was quiet during the wheelchair ride to downstairs, quiet when she entered the taxi with Rick and her mother, and quiet when they entered the living room of her home. She couldn't bring herself to look at the family portrait in the foyer, but as in her old routine, she began to pick up the scattered alphabet blocks from the floor of the den.

"You'll have to excuse the toys. I'm teaching AJ how to pick up after himself, and he's starting to get the hang of it. He only left a few…" She was stunned by the fact of him being gone, and her not being able to teach him anything every again. "I'm sorry, I…" Her eyes watered and she covered her mouth to capture a scream. She quickly excused herself and hurried upstairs to lie down and to release her anguished cry into a pillow.

Everyone arrived within minutes of her being home and started piling in the food and drinks for the family. A few wanted to speak with her to offer their condolences, but Anna, Mark and Rick made sure they understood she wasn't to be disturbed. They, along with Charlie, Neil and Evelyn, took care to entertain everyone as best they could.

When the funeral director arrived with the wreaths for the door, Dee Dee couldn't bring herself to get out of bed to speak to him. Anna had him place the white wreath with white roses for Alex, just above the smaller one with small pale blue roses for AJ.

Dee Dee tried to sleep, but all the scenes from the past two days replayed over and over in her mind. She wanted so badly to reach over and rest her hand on Alex's chest, but she couldn't. She wanted to hear little AJ call to her and ask to sleep in bed with them. When she rolled over toward Alex's side of the bed, she felt an overwhelming urge scream out in anguish again, but held it in. She slipped from bed and walked across the hall to her baby's room. She looked around at all the things that made it little Alexander's room. Her heart began to break again. He'd just gotten his 'big boy' bed two months ago, and he was quite proud to have it. She sat on his bed and took his favorite stuffed bear, Theodore in her arms, curled up on the bed and cried over her baby and husband.

When Anna called to Dee Dee from the hall and didn't receive an answer, she checked the master bedroom and bath, but didn't find her. She moved to her grandson's bedroom and slowly looked inside to see her daughter curled up on the bed with little Alexander's teddy bear.

"Sweetheart?" Anna called softly as she entered the room. "Are you hungry? There's plenty of food downstairs."

"I don't want any." Dee Dee sniffled while keeping her gaze downward. "I don't want anything…but…Alex and AJ."

Anna held her own tears at bay and sat at the foot of the bed. "If I could bring them back, I would. But…"

"I know." Dee Dee sighed heavily. "You can't. No one can."

"I'm sorry. I just... " Anna felt at a loss for words. "I wish I could help more."

"I just want to lie here...alone, please."

Anna hesitated for a moment. "Okay. I'll be back in a little while to bring you something to eat."

Dee Dee didn't reply, but once she was alone, she pulled her son's teddy bear closer to her body and whispered. "I can't make it without them. I don't even want to try."

Rick looked up to see Anna move across the room and toward him. "How is she?" He asked.

"Not good. She's still in shock, I'm sure. I don't know what to do for her."

Rick glanced toward the ceiling, the divider between Dee Dee and himself. "I know you're having a tough time, Anna, but we have to be strong and try to make sure she has us to lean on."

Anna nodded in agreement. "I'll go back up in a little while and take her something to eat. In the meantime, we should get back to our guests."

"Right." Rick agreed as he escorted Anna to the living room. "Don't worry about getting something for her to eat. I'll take a plate up for her in a bit."

Nearly an hour and a half had passed, and Dee Dee remained as she had been since her mother left her alone. Her thoughts were muddled with flashes of all that's happened in the past two days. She wanted so badly to wake up...to have her nightmare disturbed, but it's impossible to awaken when you're not asleep. It was hard enough to be reminded of losing her family. Now she must deal with the answer to an echoing question...a question that was asked when she awoke from her fainting spell at the hospital.

"_Mrs. Turnan, is it possible that you're pregnant?"_

The question was pushed back into the corner of her mind when she heard a knock on the door. She looked up to see Rick standing at the door with a plate of food and a glass of tea.

"Your mom said you weren't hungry when she was here." Rick moved to the bed. "Since it's been a while, maybe you'd like a little something."

Dee Dee shook her head. "No. I don't want it."

"You have to build up some strength, Dee Dee. Please, just try a little."

Feeling that she would get no peace until she obliged, Dee Dee sat up to take the plate. She quickly closed her eyes and let out a soft groan.

"What is it?" Rick asked.

"Dizzy...head throbbing." Dee Dee replied softly.

Rick put the plate and glass on the dresser and moved back to Dee Dee. "Do you want to lie back down for a minute?"

"No, I"ll be okay."

"Have a bite to eat. That should make you feel better."

Dee Dee slowly opened her eyes and didn't protest. She felt that maybe eating a bit would cut a break from Rick and her mother. Rick waited until she was crossed her legs in front of her to make room for the plate to be put on the bed in front of her. Rick took a moment to look around the baby's room while Dee Dee ate a few bites of food. He picked up a framed photo of AJ smiling broadly. His image had been captured by the camera as he sat in a swing at the park. "When was this taken?"

Dee Dee slowly looked up. "Earlier this week. I have your copy all set to be mailed. It's in the den beside the computer."

"Thanks. I'll get it later." After a few more minutes of looking at photos and toys, Rick saw that Dee Dee had pushed her plate aside and was staring blankly across the room. "Are you finished? I can take that." She had eaten the small slice of ham and only half of the serving of mashed potatoes, and had taken only a sip of her drink. Nothing else on the plate had been touched.

"Yeah, I'm done."

"Okay." Rick took the plate and glass. "Do you feel like going downstairs, yet?"

Dee Dee wanted to lie back down, but realized that she must make an appearance at some point. "I might as well go down. I want to get this over with and get back to bed."

Temporarily avoiding the bathroom in the master bedroom, she chose the one down the hall to freshen up her appearance. A few moments later, she met Rick in the hall and they headed downstairs.

Everyone greeted her with warm embraces, words of support and offerings to do whatever she needed of them.

Rick made sure that she was seated comfortably on the sofa between her mother and him.

"Where's Mark?" She asked.

Anna turned to her daughter. "He's taking out the trash. He'll be back in a minute."

"Good. I want him with me."

(Continued...)


	5. Chapter 5

(Chapter Five)

The guests took turns coming to Dee Dee with words of sympathy and support, along with hugs and gentle squeezes of her hands.

When Mark returned, he sat across from Dee Dee, her mother and Rick who were seated on the sofa.

He was happy to see that she had joined them downstairs, but also wished that she could take this time to get some rest. He then wondered if it would be possible for anyone to even consider sleeping after such events.

"Mark?" Dee Dee called his name and stirred him from his thoughts.

"Yes?"

"Will you get everyone's attention for me? I need to make an announcement."

"Of course." Mark stood and walked through the lower level of the house to gather the guest as Dee Dee had asked.

Once they were all inside the living room, Dee Dee stood and filled them in on why she called for them.

"I thank you all for coming. Some of you already know that I'll have the services back home in Los Angeles. Since many of you, plus others who aren't here now, won't be able to make the trip, there will be a wake...a viewing tomorrow at two o'clock." She heaved a ragged sigh. "You'll have to forgive me, but I can't remember the address."

Rick stood beside her and offered the information. "It's 43 Lennhope Road." He looked to Dee Dee for permission to continue, and she nodded.

"The family will receive guest at the parlor until seven-thirty. After that, we'll return home to pack for our trip back to the states."

It was a gentle way to remind people that it would be appreciated if they didn't return to Dee Dee's home after the wake. She needed time to gather herself before making the trip. When he was finished, Rick turned to Dee Dee and took her arm to ease her back to her seat.

Mrs. Leyland, AJ's sitter, wouldn't be able to attend the services in the states, but was relieved to hear of the wake which she would attend. "Dee Dee, I'm going to be there tomorrow, and if you need me for anything at all, please let me know."

"Thank you, I will." Dee Dee answered softly. "You were like a grandmother to my baby. I appreciate all that you've done for us."

"It was my pleasure." Mrs. Leyland's eyes watered and she hugged Dee Dee and left to return to her own home.

Charlie moved across the room to Dee Dee. "I guess I should get back to my hotel for a little rest." He stifled a yawn as he was still suffering from jet-lag. "I'm sorry that I have to go, but I'll be there tomorrow."

"I understand. Get some sleep and I'll see you tomorrow." The two shared a long embrace and Charlie placed a gentle kiss on her temple and then moved to hug Anna and shake hands with Rick and the others on his way out.

The other guests followed Charlie's lead, made their way toward Dee Dee and her companions and then out the door.

Fifteen minutes earlier, Rick had placed a call for a taxi to take Evelyn and Neil Turnan to their hotel. They both took Dee Dee into their arms and reminded her to call if she needed them, and then left to get some rest, too.

As Dee Dee watched the taxi leave, Anna called to her.

"Sweetheart, don't you think you should get some rest, too?"

Dee Dee turned around to face her mom. "I don't know if I can sleep. I don't know if I want to."

Anna realized that her daughter may be fearful of any dreams that may come. "You should take the medication the doctor prescribed. It might help you rest."

Dee Dee didn't reply, but took a seat on the sofa.

Rick retrieved the medicine and a glass of juice from the kitchen and handed them to Dee Dee. She reluctantly took the bottle, and when Rick saw her struggle to open it, he gently took it from her and dumped one of the pills into the palm of his hand and gave it to her. With all eyes on her, she felt as if they'd all ask her to lift up her tongue to prove she'd actually swallowed the pill.

Mark felt better at knowing that she'd taken something that may help her get the sleep she needed. "I'm going to leave you guys for the night." He stood from his seat and walked over to Dee Dee. "I'll see you tomorrow, but you can call me at any time."

"Okay, thank you." Dee Dee offered a faint smile.

Mark bent down to kiss her on the temple. He hoped that he wasn't being too forward.

Dee Dee didn't seem to mind, and though he didn't know it, the gesture actually made her feel comforted.

Once Mark left, Anna and Rick made sure that all the doors were locked and that all food was put away.

"Do you want a snack before we finish up?" Rick asked Dee Dee.

"No, I'm okay. I'm going up to take a shower."

Anna and Rick watched as Dee Dee made her way up the stairs and out of sight.

"I hope she can sleep." Anna said to Rick. "We have the viewing tomorrow, then the day after that, we'll all be heading back to LA for the actual funerals. I hope she can handle it."

"Me, too." Rick replied. "How are you holding up, Anna? Is there something that I can do for you?"

"It's strange, but I think that my focus on Dee Dee is keeping me from breaking down about AJ and Alex at the moment. I just appreciate that you're here for her...for us." Anna placed her hand on Rick's arm. "She'll need you even more, you know?"

"Yeah, I guess she will." Rick sighed. "I hope I'm of use to her."

"You will be."

Dee Dee was slow to enter the master bedroom. Before she came upstairs, she contemplated the idea of asking her mother to sleep in the master bedroom and letting her have the guest room. Once inside the bathroom, she saw some of Alex's toiletries on the counter and quickly turned away to try and ignore them. She turned on the water, slipped out of her clothes and tossed them into the hamper and then stepped into the shower. The warm water poured over her as she tried to mentally organize the upcoming events for the next few days. After her shower, she toweled off, slipped on her nightgown, used the blow dryer on her hair and brushed her teeth; making sure to avoid anything of Alex's as much as possible. As she left the bathroom, she heard her mother call to her.

"Dee Dee?" Anna knocked on the bedroom door.

"Come in." Dee Dee sat on the edge of the bed.

"Do you need anything?"

"No."

"Is the medication helping you to relax?"

"I don't think so. I'm still feeling hyper... like I could scream, and like my skin is crawling. At the same time, I feel exhausted."

"Then I'll let you try to rest."

"Where's Rick?"

"He's down in the den getting the sofa-bed ready."

"Oh."

"I'm going to take a quick shower. Do you want him to come up for a bit?"

Dee Dee shrugged her shoulders. "He can come up if he wants to."

"Okay, I'll tell him." Anna gave her daughter a hug and left the room. She went down to give Rick the message, and then returned upstairs to the guest bathroom.

A few moments later, Dee Dee heard Rick knocking and told him to come in.

"Hey." He said as he entered.

"Hey."

Rick sat beside Dee Dee on the bed and noticed that the room wasn't too masculine or too feminine, that there were touches that symbolized both Dee Dee and Alex. The furniture was in dark cherry with black iron accents, such as the decorative art on the wall at the foot of the bed.

"I like how you've decorated in here."

"Thanks." Dee Dee replied quietly. "Alex helped a little." She didn't elaborate and Rick didn't question. He wanted to express himself about one of the things that had been bothering him.

"Listen, Dee Dee. I want you to know that I didn't intend to upset you by not letting you go to AJ when you were in the hospital. I only wanted you to get well."

Dee Dee nodded. "I know."

"I wish I could have been here for you when it happened."

Dee Dee knew he meant the accident, and she wasn't prepared to discuss anything of it. "I appreciate that. I don't mean to be rude, but I'm starting to feel like I need to sleep."

"Oh, no problem. Of course you need rest. I think your mom is finished in the bathroom, so I'll take my turn and then head off to bed, too."

"Okay. Sleep well."

"You, too." He kissed her cheek and left the room.

Before Anna turned in, she checked on Dee Dee once more and reminded her that she'd only be down the hall and that Rick was just downstairs. The two shared a warm hug and then Anna left her daughter to herself.

Dee Dee took Alex's blue and white striped bathrobe from the foot of the bed and slipped it on over her nightgown. She then went into the baby's room to retrieve his teddy bear so she could hold it close to her chest. She quietly crawled into bed and snuggled under the covers as the medication began to take effect. She tried to hold back the tears, but gave up after several minutes and allowed them to trickle over the bridge of her nose as she cried silently until she fell asleep.

Downstairs, Rick lay awake, wishing that he was able to hold Dee Dee and let her know that he was there for her in any way she needed. He felt that she may be upset with him, but wasn't a hundred percent sure. Maybe it's just that she's hurting from her loss, and that it's nothing against him. He felt foolish thinking that way, considering all that she's been through, but the thought still lingered on.

He would have to clear his mind in order to focus on what's best for her. He she'd need as much patience and understanding that they all could provide.

Would he be able to offer enough?


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:** Thank you all for being so patient. For a while, I wasn't able to get my ideas flowing, and once I did, we had tornadoes to come through the area last week and I was without internet service for five days. Thank God that all else was well for my family during the storms. Thanks again!

(Chapter Six)

After five hours of sleep interrupted by unwanted dreams, Dee Dee awoke to find that she was alone in bed and recalled that it wasn't due to Alex being away on business. She sighed with a heavy heart and pulled the collar of his robe up to rest against her jawline, and then pulled her son's teddy bear to her chest again. The actions offered _some_ comfort, but not enough as she felt the tension growing by the second.

She sat up and suddenly felt as if her head weighed as much as a five pound bag of sugar. She could feel the tightness around her swollen eyes, her nose was stuffed and her head and ears throbbed with pain. She slowly flipped the covers back, stood and went into the bathroom to wash her face and brush her teeth before heading downstairs. Seeing her face in the mirror proved that the swelling around her eyes was indeed there and would most likely remain for a while.

She moved quietly upstairs as not to disturb her mother, and as well as downstairs to keep from waking Rick. The sun hadn't yet made an appearance as it was quite early. The darkness and quietness in the house was a bit unsettling, but she continued on to her task and flipped on the kitchen light, opted for a cup of tea, and sat quietly at the kitchen counter. The steam from the cup offered minor soothing affect to the swelling in her face, but it was of no help in soothing her suffering. Within a few hours, she would be choosing the clothing for her husband and baby to wear during the first of two ceremonies to allow everyone to say goodbye to them. A couple of days later, she'd be in back in the states to do it all over again. She wanted to be fair to everyone, to make sure all were able to pay their respects, but wondered if she'd taken on too much for herself.

Her thoughts were interrupted by running water from the faucet in the downstairs guest bathroom, and a few moments later, Rick came into the kitchen.

"Good morning." He greeted.

She looked up and saw him standing in front of her in a pair of shorts and t-shirt. "Morning". She replied softly.

Rick moved toward the coffeemaker. "Do you mind?"

"No. Go ahead."

He switched on the machine to make enough for Anna as well. He could see that Dee Dee was still very much exhausted and drained, but made no comment about it in particular. "Did you get much sleep?"

"I slept some. Dreams...nightmares kept waking me."

"_Some_ sleep is better than none, I guess." Rick leaned over and put his forearms on the counter and clasped his hands. He wanted to comfort Dee Dee, but he felt helpless and unsure of what to do or say. Seeing her in Alex's oversized robe made her look even smaller and more fragile, making his heart ache even more for her. He noted that she held AJ's teddy bear on her lap. "Can I get you some breakfast?"

"No, thanks."

"Okay." Rick turned to pour himself a cup of a coffee.

Anna was now awake and saw that the sun was just starting to peek through the hazy London sky. She freshened up a bit and went down the hall to her daughter's room and found it empty. When she didn't find her in AJ's room, she moved downstairs and heard movement in the kitchen.

"How long have you two been up?" She greeting Dee Dee with a kiss on the forehead and a hug.

"About an hour." Dee Dee answered.

"Fifteen minutes or so." Rick replied.

"Anyone up for something to eat? I can make breakfast or we can eat some of the leftovers." Anna stated.

They both looked to Dee Dee in hopes that she would accept the offer.

"No, thanks." She answered.

"You need something, Dee Dee." Rick tried to encourage her. "Maybe some toast."

"I said, _no_." Dee Dee replied in frustration.

Anna looked to Rick as she felt disappointment in her daughter. She turned her attention back to Dee Dee."Maybe in a little while before we have to leave."

Dee Dee remained silent as she made a second cup of tea.

Anna proceeded to make a light breakfast so that she and Rick could eat. She hoped that once Dee Dee could smell the food, she would change her mind and join them. The plan failed. While Rick and Anna engaged in small-talk, Dee Dee took her cup upstairs.

Rick put his arm around Anna's shoulders. "It'll all take time. She's strong and I believe she'll be okay."

"I hope you're right. I don't know how I'd fair in her shoes."

Dee Dee sat in bed and finished her tea, wishing she could erase the horror from her memory...from existence. She felt the dread of the upcoming events for her family and was overwhelmed. She placed the cup on the nightstand and lay down and cried. Nearly a half an hour later, she pulled herself together in order to prepare for the day. She needed to get herself dressed, pick out what she'd have Alex and AJ wear, and get set to leave for today's viewing. She placed her son's teddy bear on the bed and allowed Alex's robe to slip from her body and placed it on the bed as well. She then moved to Alex's closet. Looking at his clothes was hard to bear, and she knew it wouldn't be any easier when having to do the same in her baby's closet. When she couldn't decide on something for Alex, she moved to AJ's room and had no luck there.

She sat on her son's bed and sobbed in anger and distress.

Her mother had come upstairs and heard. "Can I do something to help?"

"I don't know what...to choose for...them to wear, mom. I just...don't know." Dee Dee heaved a ragged sigh and continued to cry. "Do I choose something...for today and something different...for the actual funerals, or let them wear...the same thing for both days. What do I do? I don't know anything about planning a..." She broke down even more.

Anna pulled her into her arms and tried to console her. "You do whatever _you_ want, honey."

"That's the problem! I don't _know_ what to do!"

"All I can do is suggest something." Anna began. "What about having them wear the suits you bought for their birthdays for the actual funeral, and we'll find something really nice for today."

Dee Dee gained a bit of composure. "I did intend for them to wear their gifts for the burial. I just wasn't sure about today. Everything is in such a rush. The funeral director needs the clothes in an hour." She sniffled. "Thank God he was nice enough give us until today."

"It was very kind of him." Anna added. "Why don't we go head and get started, okay?"

"Okay." Dee Dee wiped her tears and pushed her hair behind her ears before moving to her baby's closet. She searched through dozens of outfits, each one bringing memories and sadness to her heart, but she pressed on. "I love this outfit. He looked so precious in it." The outfit consisted of khaki dress-shorts, a short-sleeved khaki and baby blue seersucker shirt and a matching baby blue t-shirt underneath. She turned to show it to her mother.

"I love it, too. It's from your family portraits a couple of months ago, and you were all in matching outfits." Anna recalled with a tear in her eye. "I think it'll be perfect."

"I think so, too. They can be dressed alike again." Dee Dee took a seat on the bed and ran her hand along her son's shirt. She remembered how photo-shoot had been a great one. Her two men wore identical outfits, and she wore a knee-length khaki sarong wrap-skirt, and a sleeveless white and baby blue seersucker blouse. All were barefoot in various poses on white silk fabric, with a matching white silk backdrop. AJ loved the session. He laughed at the silly poses, the sensation of the silk on his feet, and most of all during a moment when both parents tickled him as instructed by the photographer. They all had the most amazingly happy expressions captured in that candid shot.

Dee Dee allowed a faint smile to appear through her worried expression at the thought. "I think I'll wear my skirt and top today, too." Anna agreed to the idea.

When they had finished gathering the items needed for father and son, Anna took everything downstairs for Rick to take to the funeral parlor. She felt a sense of relief at knowing one of Dee Dee's tasks for the day had been done. Though Dee Dee always kept the house in great order, Anna needed to occupy her mind and went into the den to put the few crayons and sheets of paper on her grandson's little desk back into the storage box. She shed a few tears while doing so, remembering that her little grandson would no longer hold any of the crayons or toys he loved so dearly, and that she would never be able to send him any others on special occasions, or "just because". She dried her eyes and moved into the living room to freshen up the carpet to rid it of the imprints left by the guests footprints the day before.

As soon as Rick finished getting dressed for the day, he went upstairs to see if he could be of help to Dee Dee. When she heard him knock, she was hesitant to answer, but told him to come in. He found her in bed, lying on her side facing away from him with the covers pulled up to her waist.

"Mind if I sit down for a bit?"

"No." She answered simply.

"I just wanted to check on you before I run an errand. Is it okay if I use your car?"

"Yeah. The keys by my purse on the dresser."

At any other time, Dee Dee may have joked about Rick driving her car, especially with him driving in London, but the circumstances had taken hold of her humor. He truly wanted to wrap his arms around her, but wasn't sure if it was what _she_ wanted.

"Dee Dee, I want to help you if I can. I'm worried about you."

"I appreciate your concern." She said without looking at him.

Rick felt that she was starting to pull away from him, emotionally. He couldn't bear it if she did. He knew he couldn't bring her family back, but he would try anything to help heal her heart.

"Do you want to try to sleep before we have to leave? Maybe take a half dose of your medication?"

"No."

"Okay." Rick stood to leave, but stopped to ask a question. "Is it okay if I give you a hug?"

Dee Dee sat up slowly, and Rick felt better knowing that she would allow it. She returned the action, but within a few seconds, she loosened her grip and began to pull away. Without any comment about it, Rick sighed and moved from the bed as Dee Dee lay back down. "I'll see you in a little while. Get some rest." With that, he left her to be alone.

"How is she?" Anna asked when he entered the living room.

"I'm not sure." Rick hesitated with his thoughts. "She didn't say much and she barely let me hug her. She actually pulled away from me after a moment." His heart sank a little more at the thought of such actions from her increasing.

"She's probably confused about how she feels."

"Maybe."

- – -

Dee Dee remained in bed for a few hours, never falling asleep as the reminders from the accident, plus all events that followed kept her alert. It was nearly 11:30am and she was annoyed by the phone calls that had been coming in since 9am. She'd unplugged the phone in her room, but could hear the one in the guest room. She pulled herself from bed, showered and chose to wear a pair of yellow hooded lounging pajamas until it was time to dress for the wake. When she arrived downstairs, she saw that her mother had changed into a pale green dress and was just hanging up the phone to answer the door. Evelyn and Neil each greeted her with hugs and kisses as Dee Dee watched from the staircase. She loved her family and the few friends she had, but dreaded the idea of having to go through the same motions over and over... "How are you holding up?, "Are you eating?, "Are you sleeping?, "We're so sorry.", "They're in a better place.", and so on. She hated it all. Sure, people meant well, but it was too much to take at times and she knew that she'd have to deal with it even more once they returned to LA.

When Neil and Evelyn saw her, she moved down the stairs to meet them.

"Can I do anything for you?" Neil asked.

"Nothing, thanks." Dee Dee went into the kitchen for a glass of juice for herself, and her mother was finally able to persuade her to eat two slices of toast. When she finished, she returned to the living room to join her family and wait until it was time to leave for the funeral parlor.

Mark's rental car pulled up in front of the house at the same time as Charlie's taxi, both arriving just minutes before Rick returned. They all sat and talked about various topics, trying to keep the mood light, but all noted that Dee Dee continued to look lost within her sadness, barely speaking a word to anyone. She excused herself and went out the backdoor to sit at the small patio table. Rick immediately followed and tried to talk to her, but she never looked up at him. He felt it was best to leave her alone and went back inside.

An hour before it was time to leave, Mark went out to let Dee Dee know that she could start to get ready. Rick watched from the kitchen window and saw that she didn't protest when Mark took a seat next to her. They talked for about five minutes, and then Dee Dee broke down in tears. Mark slowly put his arms around and Dee Dee put her head against his chest. Once again, Rick felt that Dee Dee was somehow upset with him, considering the difference in behavior when it came to Mark

and him. Mark had been there to support her from the start, so why wouldn't she be thankful? But there seemed to be something more. She knew that he would have been there for her if he could have. It couldn't have been helped. Surely she couldn't be angry about that, could she?

(Continued...)


	7. Chapter 7

(Chapter Seven)

Once Dee Dee had calmed down, Mark escorted her back inside. He took a seat with the others as they waited for her to go upstairs and get dressed.

She changed into her khaki sarong wrap-skirt and sleeveless khaki and baby blue seersucker blouse; choosing dark cream sandals and a matching purse. She combed her hair to the left side and allowed it to fall over her left shoulder, then made sure that it was held in place by two decorative pale blue combs as a single ringlet draped across her left cheek. Her jewelry pieces were small delicate gold hoops earrings and an aqua blue butterfly necklace with gold accents. Her makeup was minimal, only a touch of a soft raspberry red lipstick. When she returned downstairs, everyone commented on how nice she looked, though they all could plainly see that she was still not herself.

Rick drove Dee Dee's BMW; the passengers being Dee Dee, Anna, Neil and Evelyn. Mark drove his rental car, taking Charlie and Mrs. Leyland with him.

When they all entered the parlor, Dee Dee stopped at the door. "Go on. I'll be there in a minute." She told everyone, as she lingered in the back of the room. All were hesitant, but did as they were told.

Neighbors, Alex's co-workers, parents that Dee Dee talked with at AJ's favorite playground, and others had been waiting for the family to arrive. They had already taken time to view the bodies and to sign the guest book. All were still in shock over the loss that had taken hold of the community tried to be supportive of the family. They stood quietly while waiting for Dee Dee to come closer, but she continued to stand alone, her hands clasped together as she used her thumb and index finger to play with the butterfly necklace. Anna started to go back to her, but Mark and Rick had both began to move toward her before Anna could. When she saw them coming, she turned toward the door.

"I can't go up there." She said in a whisper. "I can't."

"If you don't want to, you don't have to." Rick said.

"He's right." Mark added. "It's up to you to decide."

"I know I should, but it's so hard." Dee Dee turned around slowly and wiped her tears with Rick's handkerchief. "Maybe I need to make sure they dressed them properly."

"Whatever you want." Rick extended his hand to her. She slowly took it and then reached out with her other hand for Mark to take it. The three walked up to the front together, Dee Dee keeping her focus on the wall above the coffins. When they were about five feet away, she allowed her eyes to move slowly downward to see Alex, and then to see AJ.

She looked at her family as her heart wrenched with sadness. "They're so still...so quiet. They look like they did when pretending to be asleep in the family portrait, only... _different_." Her hands tightened around Mark and Rick's. "Oh, God...why can't they be pretending, now? How could this be? It's not right that they're..._here_." She looked from her husband to her son and back again. "They look handsome like in our photos, but...it's wrong. They're in this _place_...in those _things_. They're not waking up. They're not coming home. That's my little baby. My precious little baby boy with the beautiful dark curls. He's supposed to be with me...in my arms. My baby needs to be with me." She reached out to touch AJ's cheek. Surprised by the unnatural feel of her baby's skin, she quickly snatched her hand back and grabbed Mark's hand again. She stood and stared for a moment, trying to force herself to believe that her baby is truly dead. She felt queasy at the thought and turned her focus to Alex. She was more cautious with him, gently caressing the collar of her shirt, never touching his face.

"Alex, why did you...if you hadn't..." Her rate of breathing increased, and her grip on the guys' hands grew tighter as blame toward Alex grew inside her. "It's so unfair." She shed more tears as she let go of Rick's hand and leaned against Mark for comfort.

Rick and Mark looked at each other with sorrow in their eyes. Mark gently stroked Dee Dee's back with his free hand and nodded to Rick, giving him the signal that they should take Dee Dee into the reception hall.

"Come on, Dee Dee." Mark said. "You should sit down for a bit."

She slowly allowed her friends to escort her to the hall where family and friends were waiting. Once she was seated with her mother on one of the plush sofas, Rick prepared a small plate of hors d'oeuvres and a glass of punch for each of them.

It wasn't of any surprise that Dee Dee didn't touch any of it, everyone had been hopeful that she'd at least have a bite. As people came to speak to her, she tried to acknowledge them in a polite manner, but basically went through the motions in a fog. Her mind wasn't focused on anything but the loss of her family and the anger that seemed to grow inside her with each passing second.

An hour later, the guests had finished with their words of support and sympathy and were beginning to leave. Dee Dee was grateful as she too, was ready to leave, although wishing she didn't have to return to her home.

Rick and his passengers talked about preparations for their flight to LA the next day, while Dee Dee remained silent with thoughts she chose to share with no one. Not only did she remain focused on the recent horrific events, but there was something else that she needed to deal with, but was unsure of how to do so. At any other time, she'd go to Rick with her problems when she couldn't talk to Alex about them, but now...now she's not so sure.

Those staying at the hotel, returned there for the night, while Dee Dee, Anna and Rick returned to the house. Earlier in the day, everyone's flight reservations had been taken care of, and all would travel together, including Mark who had already intended to return home to LA in a few days. He had been asked by Dee Dee to travel with the family, and he felt privileged to do so. The arrangements to have AJ and Alex flown to LA early the next morning had also been taken care of, and the clothing they'd wear for the actual funeral service would also be shipped ahead and to the parlor that Neil and Evelyn had chosen in LA.

Everyone in the Turnan household were taking time to pack their belongings for the trip. Rick tried to remain focused on his task, but it wasn't easy as he was worried about Dee Dee.

While taking the things she needed from underneath her side of the double sink's cabinet, Dee Dee reached for a small pink and white box, unsure if she wanted to know what answers it held for her. She clinched the box in her right hand and tried to keep her emotions in check as she silently questioned herself. _"What am I going to do if I'm pregnant?"_

She and Alex had decided on trying for another baby a few months earlier. She bought the test a little more than a week before the accident and was giving herself time to take on any symptoms. When she collapsed after the accident, the doctor ordered several tests and she was asked if she could be pregnant. When she told him that it was possible, they took the necessary precautions during testing and x-rays, and ordered a pregnancy test for her. She asked them not to tell her the results of the test because in her state of mind, she didn't feel that she could handle the news either way. The doctor, feeling that she may be right, honored her wish and explained that though he wouldn't tell her the answer, he'd give her a mild sedative to be taken for a short time, and that it would pose no harm to the fetus in case she _was_ pregnant.

She looked at the box again, and then at some of Alex's belongings in the bathroom. Her heart pounded as the anger and grief began to build again. She took a moment to wipe a tear from her cheek and gathered more items to pack. She placed them, along with the test inside one her suitcases for the trip. When she finished, she began to prepare for bed.

"Dee Dee, may I come in?" Anna asked from the hallway.

"Yes." Dee Dee slipped into bed as she answered.

"I wanted to see if you needed anything before I turned in."

"No, thanks." Dee Dee toyed with one of the ears on her baby's teddy bear.

Anna noticed her daughter's actions and thought she may need to express some thoughts. "Do you want to talk for a bit?"

"No."

"Okay. I'll see you in the morning." Anna gave her daughter a kiss on the cheek. "Goodnight, sweetheart."

"Goodnight."

Anna left to return to her room and met Rick in the hall.

"Is she still awake?" Rick asked.

"Yes. She'd just gotten into bed. She's been crying, again."

"I'm sure." Rick sighed. "I'll go in and say goodnight. You sleep well."

"Thank you. You, too."

The two parted and Rick went on to Dee Dee's room and knocked softly on the door.

"Dee Dee, it's me. May I come in?"

When Dee Dee heard his voice...heard the question, she immediately grew tense. She sighed heavily and tried to shake the feeling, but couldn't.

"Yeah, come in." Feeling more aggravated, she settled her back against the headboard.

Rick entered the room. "I just wanted to wish you a goodnight. Did you get everything packed?"

"Yes."

Before Rick would say another word, the phone rang.

"Hello?" Dee Dee answered.

"Hi, Dee Dee. It's Mark."

"Hi."

"Are you in bed? I hope I'm not disturbing you. I just wanted to check on you before I turned in."

"I'm in bed, but no, you're not disturbing me." Dee Dee made no mention of Rick being there as she continued her conversation.

Rick wasn't sure of what Mark had said, but he realized that the tension in Dee Dee's face seemed to lessen. He felt a bit disappointed that he hadn't been the one to do that for her. When ten minutes had passed and she didn't seem to be in any hurry to talk to him, he decided to leave her with her conversation. He turned back to her after reaching for the doorknob and wished her a good night. She barely looked his way, mouthed _"thanks", _and turned her attention back to the phone.

Rick returned to his room downstairs and tried to get some sleep, but found it to be a tough job as he couldn't shake the feeling that Dee Dee was angry with him. He'd felt this way earlier, but even more-so, now. _"What did I do?"_

Five minutes after Rick left, Dee Dee and Mark ended their talk for the night. She settled beneath the covers. She was tired but not sleepy. She really hadn't been sleepy since the accident. Mentally exhausted and drained, yes. Sleep did come for very short periods of time through the nights, but if not for crying herself into those moments, plus taking a sedative, she may never have slept at all. Closing her eyes only brought vivid reminders of the past few days. She wanted to forget those tragic moments, but reminders held the last moments of the lives of her husband and child. She felt guilty for not wanting to remember every single second of their time on earth, but also felt searing agony each time she thought of what took them from this earth.

Her body was tense and each blink of her eyes brought an aching sensation around them. At times, she felt her entire body jump involuntarily when she tried to relax. She needed comfort. She needed strong arms around her. She needed Alex to wake her from what she wished had been a nightmare.

She gently ran her hand along Alex's pillow and then the sheet on his side of the bed, feeling the coolness that proved that he hadn't just gotten up to check on the baby, or to go to the bathroom. Her eyes quickly began to grow heavy with tears. She got up, making sure to keep AJ's bear with her and went her her child's room. She slowly looked around the empty room and remembered how proud they all were to have him in his "big boy" bed for the first time.

_Alex had intended to put the bed together before Mrs. Leyland brought AJ home from the park, but when he realized he was lacking the proper tools and had to borrow some, AJ had come in to find him sitting on the floor with parts of the bed scattered around him, and Dee Dee standing over him with the instructions in her hand._

"_It's supposed to convert from a crib to a bed." Alex grumbled. "How in the world did I end up with this...disaster?"_

_Dee Dee laughed. "Obviously you didn't learn from your mistakes when putting it together as a crib. I'm telling you, the instructions do serve a purpose."_

_The doorbell rang just as Alex reached up to pinch her on the butt. She giggled and hurried out of the room to let Mrs. Leyland and AJ into the house. As soon as Mrs. Leyland left, AJ grabbed his mother's hand and pulled her toward the staircase. "Let's see daddy!" There was no trying to keep him from seeing the bed, now. When they made it to his room, he saw his dad on the floor near the spot where his crib had been. _

_With a loud gasp and his eyes widened, he exclaimed, "Daddy bwoke my bed!" He looked up at Dee Dee. "See, mommy! Fix it!"_

_His parents laughed and showed him the "before and after" pictures of the piece of furniture and explained what was going on, to AJ's relief. He was quite proud to have the upgrade. _

Dee Dee felt herself smiling at the memory, but quickly broke down in sobs and sat on the floor with her head resting against AJ's bed; the bear pulled tightly against her chest. "I...want...my baby. My baby." She repeated over and over. After a few minutes, Anna entered the room and wrapped her arms around her daughter.

"Mom, I...want...my baby. My little...boy." Dee Dee's body shook with her continued sobbing. "It's...not right...not right. He's supposed...to be...here."

"I know, honey." Anna replied through her own tears. She remained with her daughter for several minutes and then finally convinced her to go to bed. "Why don't sleep in the guest room with me, tonight?"

Dee Dee quietly agreed to the offer. After the two were settled in the bedroom, Anna suggested that Dee Dee take the medication to help her sleep. She told her mother that she'd try to sleep without any, but after two agonizing hours, she gave in. She knew she'd groggy when she woke up, but hoped that she could sleep during the long journey. Anna was able to rest a little easier at knowing Dee Dee had fallen asleep for at least a short time.

As the group sat in the airport, Dee Dee alone at the window watching the planes. She thought of how Alex should have been taking his business trip, how they would have traveled with AJ to visit her mother, how they had talked about a trip for just the two of them. What a horrible twist of fate that they would journey to the states by plane in this manner.

(Continued...)


	8. Chapter 8

(Chapter Eight)

The family made light conversation as they waited to board the plane, but they were easily distracted by watching Dee Dee and wondering what her thoughts were. Anna wanted to go to her, but it had been obvious to everyone that she was quite agitated and seemed to prefer to be alone.

With her arms crossed, Dee Dee watched the planes arrive and depart and found herself wanting to board one of the planes and go off to be alone. She didn't care where she went as long as she could be away from those who currently had their attention focused on her. She caught a quick glimpse of them watching her and her stomach twisted in knots. Annoyed, she kept her arms folded and rest the side of her head against the huge glass wall and looked back to the planes. _"Why do they keep watching me? Are they waiting for me to pass out again? Do they want me to scream? To break down in tears? What?"_

A few moments later, the call for them to board came over the speaker and Rick went to walk Dee Dee over to the group. "Time to go." He said.

Aggravated,Dee Dee wanted to yell,_"Well, that's obvious!", _but remained quiet, only staring at him for a few seconds before walking away from him and toward the others.

When all had boarded the plane, Dee Dee was in the window seat, her mother next to her and Rick next to her mother. Evelyn and Neil were in the seats across from them and Charlie and Mark in those behind her. She felt various mixed emotions, which had not been unusual for her in the past few days. One that took hold as she sat on the plane, was relief that Rick wouldn't be sitting next to her, but at the same time she felt somewhat angry at herself for feeling this way. She couldn't control how she felt about him from one minute to the next and it troubled her.

For the first few hours, everyone in the group entertained themselves with lighthearted conversation, reading, solving crossword puzzles or search-a-word books. Dee Dee tried to focus on a crossword puzzle, but gave up after she realized she was making no progress and chose to listen to some music. When the first meal came, she took a few bites to satisfy her mother who pleaded with her. The more she thought about it, she knew it was also to provide nourishment to the baby she may be carrying. She hated the idea of neglecting her child, but also felt she'd be better off if there was no baby. All she had to do was to take the pregnancy test or call the doctor from the hospital, but she was still afraid to find out the answer, no matter what it may be. When she finished eating, she placed the earphones back into her ears. Within an hour, she'd fallen asleep.

Anna turned to Rick and whispered. "Thank God she's getting some rest. I had hoped that she wouldn't suffer through over fifteen hours of flight-time with no sleep."

"I'm glad, too." Rick wanted to ask Anna a question, but wasn't sure if he should as he may be making a big deal of nothing, but he went ahead with it, whispering to be sure that Dee Dee couldn't hear. "Has she said anything to you about being upset with me for some reason?"

"No, she hasn't."

"She seems really cold toward me... barely talking to me. She doesn't even seem to want to look at me, and pulls away when I hug her."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Last night, I went to her room to talk to her. She didn't seem too happy that I was there." He hoped that Mark couldn't hear as he continued. "When Mark called, her mood seemed to lighten. It was just a little, but I could tell. She didn't seem to be in any hurry to finish our talk as she continued the one she was having with Mark. She told him that he wasn't disturbing her, though I was sitting right there waiting to talk to her. Granted, he deserved some time to speak with her, too, but I assumed that she would like to talk to me, her best friend who was sitting right there. I know that she feels a connection to him and I'm glad he's there for her, but I was hoping to be there for her, too."

"I guess I see your point." Anna replied.

"Do you think I'm making a big deal out of nothing?"

"I don't know, Rick. She's struggling right now and there's no telling how her emotions will change by the second. Maybe she feels that you've been there for her through so much that she doesn't want to burden you. I just don't know what else it could be."

"She's never a burden to me. _Never_."

"I know that, but the way her mental state is, _she_ may not know that."

Rick exhaled stretched his arms. "I guess that could be it. Thanks for listening."

"Anytime." Anna smiled.

One by one, each member of the group found themselves drifting off to sleep to continue the remaining time of their fifteen hour flight.

In the parking deck, everyone made plans to meet at Anna's house the next day. They said their goodbyes and went to their own or rental cars.

Rick had never really given much thought to the appearance of his previous cars, but he was grateful to have been given a newer model recently. He felt better about escorting Dee Dee in a much nicer car at this time.

During the ride to Anna's house, Dee Dee sat quietly as she noticed a few changes around the city and neighborhoods since she'd last been there. Billboards of various attractions were reminders of things that were never to be, such as visiting Disneyland with AJ for the first time, spending a week at The Seaside Victorian Resort with Alex, and so much more. Time had run out. How could she have ever imagined that time would run out like this? That so many dreams would never come to life because of her family's death.

Rick carried the luggage into the house while Dee Dee tried to relax on the sofa and Anna checked on things inside the house. One of her friends had used her key to come inside and leave lasagna so they wouldn't have to worry about a meal.

When Rick was finished with the luggage, he sat with Dee Dee.

"I'm glad you got some sleep during the flight."

"Yeah. I guess I needed it." Dee Dee replied.

"What do you need me to do tomorrow?"

Dee Dee shrugged. "I don't know. I'll call if I need you."

(_If_ she needs me.) Rick nodded. "Okay." He saw Anna enter the room. "I'll leave you two to get some rest." He gently pulled Dee Dee into his arms. "I'll see you sometime tomorrow."

Dee Dee was hesitant, but allowed herself to show a moment of affection by returning the hug, but only for a second. Rick felt the tension and released his hold on her and stood to meet Anna. He put his arms around her as she, showing the opposite reaction as her daughter, settled into his arms and allowed some tension to escape. After a few moments, they pulled apart and Anna thanked him for watching out for them.

After Rick left, Anna sat in the loveseat across from the sofa where her daughter was sitting. "Would you like some lasagna or something to drink?"

"Not, really."

"Well, maybe you should go to bed and get some sleep."

Dee Dee pulled off her shoes and put her feet up. She looked at her mother who was obviously worn out, but she needed to talk to her. "Mom, I need to talk to you about something."

"Sure, honey. What is it?" Anna wondered if she'd tell her why she seemed upset with Rick, or at least if she'd express more emotion about her life. She seemed to be holding a lot in.

"If you'd been through what I have and you found out you were pregnant, would you want to keep the baby?"

Anna moved to the edge of her seat. "Dee Dee, are you pregnant?"

Dee Dee let her head fall against the back of the sofa. "I don't know for sure, but I might be."

"Sweetheart, you need to see a doctor to find out for sure."

Dee Dee sighed. "You're not answering my question."

Anna realized that Dee Dee was right, but her concern for her daughter and possible second grandchild was top priority. "I know, and I'm sorry, but I was just taken by surprise. I want you to be healthy. I want the baby to be healthy."

Dee Dee nodded. "I understand that, but I want to know what you'd do."

"They say you don't know unless you've lived it, but I feel that I'd want to keep my baby, no matter what."

Dee Dee raised her heard, her eyes welled with tears. "I hate myself for feeling this way, but I don't think I'm capable of caring for a baby, now. I don't know if I'd even want to _try_ to take care of one." Tears began to trail down her cheeks. "Alex and I were planning to have a second child. Now he's gone...AJ's gone. I'm supposed to have a family, but I don't. Not anymore. I just want to run to...wherever and not look back. It's not fair that I'll have to raise a baby on my own when he or she was supposed to have a father and an older brother, too."

Anna was surprised and a bit frightened at hearing her daughter speak this way. "You wouldn't hurt yourself or the baby, would you?"

Dee Dee hesitated and exhaled sharply before answering, which frightened Anna even more.

"There are times when I don't think I can go on living, that I wish I could sleep and not wake up and have the hurt be over, but I wouldn't intentionally take my own life. I could never intentionally hurt my child, either. I could never have an abortion."

Anna was grateful to hear the answers, though her worries were still there. She moved to the sofa asked Dee Dee to sit up. She then sat down and Dee Dee lay down with her head on her mother's lap. "I can't begin to imagine what you're going through. I just know that I'm worried about you and I want to help if I can."

"When I passed out at the hospital, they ran tests...one being a pregnancy test. I told them I didn't want to the know the results." Dee Dee wiped a tear.

"Why?"

"Because...if I'm pregnant, I'm not prepared to take care of a baby. If I'm not pregnant, I don't know if I can handle the disappointment of not ever having a part of AJ and Alex, again."

Anna stroked her daughter's hair. She was unsure of the right words to say, but would make an attempt. "I know it's painful, but you need to find out for sure. You haven't had much rest and you haven't been eating well. If there is a baby, you need to take better care of yourself."

"That's one more reason that I hate myself right now." Dee Dee sat up. "I can't stand the idea of hurting my baby, but at the same time I really don't care about eating or sleeping. I just don't care. I hate myself! I hate that I may be hurting my baby!" She broke down in tears as Anna pulled her close.

"Listen, Dee Dee. If you go ahead and find out, then you may be able to feel better about yourself one way or the other. You really need an answer."

Dee Dee pursed her lips and slowly nodded in agreement. "Okay. I'll take the test in the morning."

"Good." Anna hugged Dee Dee tightly. She wanted to question her about why she seemed to be upset with Rick, but knew that this was not the time to bring up the topic.

After very little sleep, Dee Dee woke up dreading the outcome of the pregnancy test she'd be taking in a few minutes. Either way, she felt she'd be dealt a losing hand. Anna heard her stirring around and got up to greet her.

"Good morning. Did you get any sleep?"

"Not really."

"Did you take the test?"

"I just did. It'll be a few minutes."

"Why don't we go down for some coffee while we wait." Anna suggested.

Dee Dee nodded and followed her mother downstairs. They went over a few plans for the day as the clock ticked away the minutes until the results. After a few minutes, Dee Dee told her mother it was time to check the test. Anna followed her daughter back upstairs and stood in the hall watching Dee Dee's facial expression. It gave no hint of what the answer was.

"What does it say?"

Without any change of expression, Dee Dee shook her head. "I'm not pregnant."

(Continued...)


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note - Thank you all for being so patient in waiting for this ****chapter. Things have been fairly hectic and I haven't had time to work on my**

**story as I'd like. I put this chapter together (without taking notes) within ****four or five hours and was surprised by how long it turned out to be. I hope ****there aren't too many typos as I was tired during editing, but didn't want you ****to wait longer as a few have sent notes wanting updates.**

**I can't give you a date as to when the next chapter will be up, but I will ****try to start it tomorrow. I don't mind you asking for updates. It may help to motivate me.**

**Thank you so much for hanging in there. I appreciate your dedication. :-)**

(Chapter Nine)

Anna didn't know what her daughter was feeling. "I wish I knew what to say."

Without a reply, Dee Dee tossed the test into the trash and went into her room to lie down as Anna followed and sat at the foot of the bed.

Dee Dee sighed. "I said I didn't think I could take care of a baby, and now I know I don't have to. Why do I feel both disappointed and relieved? What kind of sense does that make?"

"Because you still wanted to have a part of Alex and AJ here with you. You said so. Considering all that you're going through, there are millions of things that may or may not make sense, but I'm just glad that you have an answer. Maybe it'll help you start to heal."

"I don't think I'll ever heal." Dee Dee sniffled and turned away from her mother. "I want to be alone."

"Okay. Try and rest." Anna gently stroked her daughter's back and left the room. She stopped at the foot of the stairs and prayed that Dee Dee was wrong about never healing. _"Lord, please help her. I'm so scared for her and I don't know what to do."_

Around 9am, people started calling with their condolences and offers of help. Rick called at a little past 10am and Anna asked him to come over to run a few errands. When he arrived a little more than an hour later, he saw Dee Dee coming down the stairs, still in her oversized sleep-shirt, barefoot with her hair in a ponytail. She looked so young, like a girl barely into her teen years. She also looked fragile and worn, but still beautiful. Rick couldn't help but slowly take in the image before him as he wished he could take her into his arms and offer some comfort.

Rick cleared his throat and greeted her. "How are you?"

Dee Dee sighed in irritation and crossed her arms. "How do you think?"

Rick found that these days, it was nearly impossible to know what to say and when to say it. "I"m sorry, I..."

"Nevermind." Dee Dee sat on the arm of the sofa. "What are you doing here?"

Rick's fluttering heart-rate began to slow down as he took a seat. "I came over to run some errands for you mom. I'm just waiting until she finishes the list."

"Oh." Dee Dee answered quietly as trailed the fabric on the sofa with her index finger.

As Anna entered the room, she noticed the unusual silence between the two, but didn't mention it. She handed the list to Rick and apologized for taking so long.

He told her that it was no problem and would be back as soon as he was finished. He looked at Dee Dee who didn't seem interested one way or the other.

Anna walked Rick to the door and watched him drive off. "I'm glad he's taking care of those things." She turned to Dee Dee. "He's a big help."

"Yeah." Dee Dee crossed her arms again. "He's a big help, alright."

"Why do you say it like that?"

"I don't want to talk about Rick." Dee Dee hurried back up to her room, leaving Anna to wonder what was going on.

Later in the evening, the house was filled with family and friends, most of whom would be attending tomorrow's funeral service for Alex and AJ.

Dee Dee managed to pull herself together and dressed to meet her guests. She was surprised to see that her co-workers for a short time, Brad Navarro and Kitty O'Hearn had shown up.

Brad put his arms around her. It was unusual to see him in such a solemn mood. He'd usually flash a bright, toothy grin while adding a few flirtatious comments. He knew when to keep himself in check and under the circumstances, he could barely muster a smile. "I'm very sorry. I'm here for you, okay? Whatever I can do, let me know." When he gently released his hold, Dee Dee nodded and thanked him.

Kitty was next to take her friend into her arms. "Dee Dee, I wish there was more for me to do than to just offer condolences."

"I know." Dee Dee answered softly as the two parted. "Why don't we all sit down?"

A few moments later, Rick, Charlie, Mark, more co-workers and friends had arrived. Everyone sat and made small-talk, trying to keep the mood light, and Dee Dee's closest friends all sat with her as they reminisced. Though Mark hadn't served on the force, he joined his new friends and enjoyed the interesting tales. Dee Dee remained quiet, only nodding in agreement when asked if she remembered a particular moment. As the conversation continued, more and more people interrupted to offer words of support. Mark saw that she seemed agitated. "Can I get you something, Dee Dee?"

"No, I just need some air." She replied as she stood to leave the room.

Rick stood, too. "I'll come with you."

"No. I'd rather you didn't." She excused herself and moved through the crowds of people inside, moving through more on the patio, finally reaching the gazebo in her mother's backyard. She sat, inhaling the aroma from the roses, hoping to slow her breathing and heart-rate.

It had been half an hour before Mark gained the courage to approach Dee Dee in the gazebo. He didn't want to invade her space, but wanted to at least offer to listen in case she needed him to. He excused himself and went into the kitchen to pour glasses of lemonade for the both of them. While walking toward the gazebo, he saw that Dee Dee was facing the opposite direction; her arms were folded on the banister as her head lay upon them. Before placing his foot on the first step, he gently called to her.

"Dee Dee?"

"Yes?" She answered without turning around.

"I brought you some lemonade. I can leave it here for you."

Dee Dee turned slowly to see Mark looking somewhat timid, but caring. "You can come up."

Sighing with relief that he hadn't upset her, Mark went up the steps and handed the glass to Dee Dee and sat beside her. "Did it help to come out here?" He asked.

"A little." Dee Dee sipped from her glass. "I know they all meant well by talking about the police force. It was their way of trying to distract my thoughts, but it was more annoying than anything because they were trying too hard."

"I imagine that sometimes we do more damage when we're trying to help."

"You've been very helpful, Mark. I thank you so much." Dee Dee offered a faint smile.

"I'm glad, and you're most welcome."

"How are you holding up?" Dee Dee asked.

"I'm okay. I'm focusing more on my music."

"That's good."

During their phone conversations, Mark filled Dee Dee in little by little about why he'd been in London. He had been in a serious relationship with is girlfriend for over two years, and two days after picking up her engagement ring to surprise her with it and a proposal, he saw her out with another man and learned that she'd been having an affair. He didn't understand what he'd done to cause it. He had always put her before his work, made sure that she had everything she needed and wanted and loved her unconditionally. When he asked her why she did it, she said she didn't know; that it just happened, but that she still loved him.

The trust had been broken and he knew the best thing would be to walk away and try to forget her.

As the two continued chatting, they were interrupted by a small voice. "Hi, Dee Dee."

Dee Dee turned to see Jaeden Davis Jr. standing at the foot of the steps with his parents, Talia and Jaeden Sr.. Dee Dee's heart lightened at seeing the little boy.

"Hi, sweetheart."

She and the family had kept in touch since the day she found Jaeden, then three and a half years old, in the wrecked and abandoned car, when she'd left Alex.

Jaeden and his parents walked up the steps and gave Dee Dee a hug and offered to be of help in any way. When they got the news of the deaths, they were heartbroken as they'd grown so close to the family, though so far away. They would be forever grateful to Dee Dee for saving Jaeden after he'd been kidnapped and abandoned.

Dee Dee introduced everyone and asked the Davis family to take a seat. "Jaeden, you've gotten so big. Your mom sent a picture of you a few weeks ago, and you've grown a lot since then."

"Yeah, daddy said I'm I'll be tall like him." The kindergartener smiled.

"I believe he's right, but you're not too big to sit on my lap, are you?" Dee Dee asked.

"I don't know. Mama said sometimes it feels like I'll break her lap when I sit on hers."

Dee Dee laughed softly at the comment. It was the first time she'd laughed in days. "Well, give it a try." Once the child was settled, he and Dee Dee talked about his moments in kindergarten, his latest toys, backyard camp-out with his parents and more.

After a while, Jaeden became quiet and looked to his parents before continuing. They both nodded to assure him that it would be okay. "I'm sorry that you're so sad." He said in nearly a whisper. "I'm sad, too."

"Thank you, sweetie. I'm sorry that you're sad, too." Dee Dee pulled the child closer.

"Mama and daddy said that AJ and Alex will be in heaven. My grandparents are there and I asked them to take care of AJ because he's still little and needs help sometimes. If it's scared or missing you like I missed mama and daddy when they were away, my grandma will rock him to sleep like she did when I was little."

Dee Dee's eyes watered as she kissed the little boy's forehead. "You're right, and thank you. I'm sure they'll take care of him."

"I have something for AJ to take to heaven. I'll be right back." He slid off of Dee Dee's lap and went to retrieve a gift bag from his parents and then returned to Dee Dee. "Mama told me what AJ's going to wear tomorrow, so...here."

Dee Dee opened the package and found a small teddy bear wearing a blue sailor suit and matching hat. She closed her eyes and let her tears fall. "Thank you, baby. It's perfect." She hugged Jaeden who was near tears.

"I didn't mean to upset you and make you cry." He said.

"Oh, honey it's not your fault. I just cry when I miss my baby and when someone like you does something so very, very nice. It may not make sense, but you'll understand one day." Dee Dee wiped her tears. "AJ will be happy to have this in heaven with him. Thank you so much." She kissed the child's cheek and held him tightwhich made him feel a little better. She was quite grateful for the bear as she couldn't see herself parting with her baby's favorite. AJ loved teddy bears, and though she thought of having Theodore go with her son, she just couldn't part with it. It had been her baby's favorite since he was a newborn and she needed something of his to literally cling to at times.

As the sun dropped with the passing time, the guests began to say goodnight. Those who would be able to, would attend the service tomorrow.

"I guess I should go, too. I'll drop this off in the morning." Mark said in reference to the gift from Jaeden. "I hope you get some rest tonight."

"Thanks."

As the two stood and began walking toward the house, Rick stood near the patio doors and watched, feeling disappointed that he hadn't been able to console her at the time, but was glad she had someone. He didn't know a lot about Mark, except for what he told him during their time of waiting in the hospital, but he felt he was a good person.

When Mark ushered Dee Dee into the house, Rick reached out to hug Dee Dee. She was hesitant to comply, but followed through. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

Dee Dee nodded as they pulled apart.

When everyone was gone, Dee Dee and Anna decided that the day had been long enough for them and they both went up to bed.

The next morning, Dee Dee managed to pull her weary body up to sit in the middle of the bed. her head ached from a restless sleep and lack of nourishment. She chose not to take the medication to help her sleep, thinking it would cause her to feel less like herself. She now thought that maybe feeling less like herself wouldn't have been a bad thing for today.

"_Today's the day. The day that I bury my husband and my baby. They'll never come back to me. I know it's real, but it's like a nightmare. Oh, God I don't want it to be real. I don't want them to be gone. How can this be? What did I do to make you take them away? God, what did I do?"_

Anna's voice from the other side of the door stirred Dee Dee from her thoughts. She asked if she would join her downstairs for some breakfast, and though Dee Dee declined, Anna pleaded with her to at least have some toast. She felt relieved when Dee Dee finally agreed to the light breakfast.

Dee Dee was nearly finished dressing when the first of the guests arrived. She brought one of her new dresses from home for the service. It was chiffon in a soft lilac color, sleeveless with a matching bolero jacket with delicate lilac piping along the bottom hems of the skirt and jacket. She styled her hair with large soft curls, allowing them to fall across her shoulders. Her makeup, the most she'd worn in days, was still minimal, but helped to make her look less worn.

At 12:45pm, the limousine was parked in front of Anna's house. Those riding in the limo would be Dee Dee, Anna, Rick, Charlie, Mark, Kitty and Brad. The others would either follow in their own cars or would already be at the church. When Dee Dee made it downstairs, the minister gathered everyone into a circle for prayer. Once he was finished, they all proceeded to move outdoors and to the cars.

As Dee Dee and her companions entered the church, all eyes were on her, and she she kept her focus on the several dozens of flower baskets and stands that surrounded the two coffins. Alex's was a rich cherry wood with brass handles. He always said that he'd never want a big fuss made over his funeral, so Dee Dee kept her promise and much as possible. She had never made such a promise to her baby boy. AJ...little Alexander Jr., was resting on a bed of baby blue satin in coffin of white with pale blue shading. On the inside top was an imprint of a sleeping baby and lyrics to Brahms Lullaby -

_Good evening, good night,  
With roses adorned,  
With carnations covered,  
Slip under the covers.  
Tomorrow morning, if God wants so,  
you will wake once again._

Good evening, good night.  
By angels watched,  
Who show you in your dream  
the Christ-child′s tree.  
Sleep now peacefully and sweetly,  
see the paradise in your dream.

Continuing to show her independence, she walked just slightly ahead of those who were with her. Rick walked with Anna while Charlie and the others were just steps behind. Everyone else had already viewed the bodies, and now it was the family's turn. As they moved closer, Dee Dee's chest began to tighten, but she pressed on. She arrived at Alex's coffin, first. She noted how handsome he looked in his white dinner jacket. It was supposed to be given to him as his birthday present. She felt her heart sink at recalling the last moment of his life and how much they'd planned to achieve during their time together. When she moved to see her baby, also wearing his birthday gift, she broke down at seeing her precious child looking as beautiful and as perfect as a porcelain doll in his white sailor suit and matching hat. The funeral director had made sure to place Jaeden's gift in the crook of the baby's left arm so it looked as if he were cradling it.

"AJ, baby. Mommy loves you so much. I can't believe this happened. My heart aches without you. I feel like I'm dying. I wish I could have saved you, and I hope you can forgive me. I'm so sorry. So sorry, baby. Please forgive me. Please forgive me, baby."

Everyone began shedding tears and wishing they could do something to help. Anna couldn't take seeing her daughter in this state, along with seeing her grandchild and son-in-law lying in front of them, knowing she'll never see them again. She broke down in sobs while Rick held her close. Mark moved up and took Dee Dee into his arms and led her to sit down.

During the service, Dee Dee heard bit and pieces of what the minister said as her eyes wandered to the now closed coffins. She felt as if her life was over, than maybe it _should_ be over.

During the drive to the cemetery, during the closing of the service and during the drive home, and at home, she maintained the same demeanor. Silent. Weary. Furious. Hurt. Disappointed.

It wasn't until everyone except for Rick had left the house that she set her emotions free. She'd gone upstairs and changed into shorts and a t-shirt while Rick and Anna talked over coffee in the kitchen.

"I see you're still here." Dee Dee said as she entered the kitchen and saw Rick. Her tone proved that she was annoyed.

"Yeah, but only for a few minutes." Rick replied.

Though Anna noticed her daughter's tone, she hoped that a few moments alone with Rick would allow them to work on what was bothering her. "I'm going up to bed, now." Anna announced. "Rick, thank you so much for everything." She kissed his cheek.

"You're welcome. Have a good night."

"You, too." Anna moved to hug her daughter. "Goodnight, honey. I love you."

"Goodnight, mom. I love you, too." When Anna left, Dee Dee sat at the table while Rick remained at the counter.

"Do you need me to do anything?" He asked.

"No. Nothing." Dee Dee answered coldly.

Rick didn't want to upset her, but he felt he was owed some sort of explanation as to what he'd done to make her so upset with him. "Dee Dee, what have I done? I've noticed that since...the accident, you've been distant...angry with me. Why?"

Dee Dee could feel her body tense up as her heart pounded. She folded her arms on the table and looked away.

"Please tell me what it is." Rick asked.

Dee Dee scoffed and shook her head. "How can you sit there and act is if you don't know what you did?"

"I swear I don't know." Puzzled, Rick moved to the table and sat across from her. "Tell me."

Dee Dee pursed her lips and then in tearful fury, released the answer. "It's your fault that my baby and husband are dead! You're the reason they're dead!"

(Continued...)


	10. Chapter 10

(Chapter Ten)

The accusation was so shocking to Rick that he couldn't speak and looked at Dee Dee in absolute confusion. He thought that surely she didn't mean it, but why would she say such a horrible thing? Her mental state was in turmoil, so maybe she'd blocked out the actual event and was becoming delusional. He was afraid of what she'd say next, but needed to hear an explanation.

"Dee, Dee, don't you remember what happened?" Rick tried to take her hand into his. "There was an accident. A truck crashed into..."

"Of course I remember the accident!" Dee Dee moved her hand before Rick could reach it. "I was there when it happened! I was there to see my family _die_!" She stood and leaned against the counter as her eyes became dark with rage. "I saw it all! I know _exactly_ what happened!"

Anna heard the commotion and hurried down to the kitchen. "Dee Dee, what's wrong?"

With pain in her eyes, Dee Dee looked at her mother and pointed at Rick. "_He's_ what's wrong! He killed my family!"

"What?" Shocked, Anna looked to Rick who was still seated and shaking his head in disbelief. "Honey, why would you say that?"

Dee Dee sighed and softened her voice. "Because it's true. He took my family away from me."

"No, honey." Anna pulled her daughter into her arms. "We know what happened."

Dee Dee pulled herself from her mother's arms in anger. "_I_ know what happened! _I'm_ the one that knows _exactly_ what happened, mom!"

Anna's eyes welled with tears as she grew more worried about her daughter's behavior. "I'm sorry sweetheart. I didn't mean to upset you." She looked to Rick who was obviously hurt and confused, but was trying to make sense of the situation. While he continued to do so, she slipped out of the kitchen and into the living room.

Rick knew that Dee Dee was in a bad way and wouldn't have been surprised by a breakdown at some point, but he never expected this; to be accused of killing her family.

He slowly gathered his courage to speak. "Dee Dee, don't you know that I'd never do anything to hurt you or your family? I loved AJ, and you know that Alex and I were getting along."

Dee Dee slammed her fist against the counter. "You didn't love my baby! If you loved him he'd still be here!" She turned away from Rick and began to cry. "_I_ loved my baby! You didn't love him at all!"

Rick wanted so badly to wrap his arms around her, but knew she wouldn't dare let him come near her. His heart was crumbling at seeing her in such a way and knowing that in her mind, he was the cause. There was nothing he could do to help her. He sat quietly as tears began to roll down his cheeks.

Mark Atkins found it hard to wind down from the days events. He was tired, but the visions of all that has gone on in the past few days; the accident, Dee Dee's grieving, and the funeral were keeping him far from being relaxed. He thought that seeing the accident and knowing that Dee Dee's family had perished, was hard for him to take, but seeing the baby in his coffin was nearly too much to bear. Until little AJ, he'd been blessed in never having to attend a child's funeral. He hoped to God that he'd never know the pain that Dee Dee was feeling.

He was slightly startled by the ringing phone which interrupted his thoughts.

"Hello?"

"Mark, it's Anna. I hope I'm not disturbing you, but..."

"What's wrong?" With Anna's tone, Mark knew immediately that something was out of sorts.

"It's Dee Dee. She's not acting like herself at all. Something's really wrong. She's accusing Rick of the accident."

"Accusing Rick?"

"Yes, she's crying and yelling at him. She said that she remembers the accident, but she keeps saying that it was Rick's fault. She's not making any sense at all, and I don't know what to do. Will you come over and …."

"I'm on my way." Mark had been wondering how Dee Dee maintained her sanity, and now he was worried that she may be losing it. As he rushed to get out to his car, his heart-rate increased with anxiety and concern as he had no idea of what he would do to help. He'd only known Dee Dee for a little under two weeks, but he'd grown to truly care for her and felt that he needed to continue to offer her any means of support that he had.

When Anna returned to the kitchen, she saw that Dee Dee was seated on a stool at the counter and was resting her head on her folded arms. She then looked to Rick who was still at the table and wiping the tears from his eyes. He shook his head "no" to let Anna know that nothing had changed. "Dee Dee?" Anna began. "Do you want to take the medication the doctor prescribed?"

"No." Dee Dee answered. "What I want is for him to leave. I want him to go."

Rick closed his eyes and sighed in distress before turning to Dee Dee. "Please, Dee Dee. Please understand that I didn't hurt your family. I swear I didn't. I was still in LA when the accident happened."

Dee Dee turned to Rick with a cold stare. "Shut up! Shut up and get out!" She rushed out of the kitchen and ran upstairs, slammed the bedroom door behind her and lay on the bed with her son's bear in her arms. _"Why did he do this to me...to us. Why? I hate him."_

Rick and Anna both sat at the table, worried, confused and teary-eyed.

"I don't know what to make of it." Anna confessed. "Do you think she's having a breakdown?"

Rick's words were momentarily caught in his throat. "Um...I think it's quite possible. She's obviously confused and with all the stress..." It shook him to think that she could be suffering so much that seriously affecting her mental health. "I don't know if I should try to talk to her again or just leave."

"If you don't mind, will you please stay for a little while?" Anna asked. "I called Mark. Maybe the two of you together can talk to her and maybe we can all get her to the hospital." Anna began to cry at the thought, though she knew Dee Dee needed help.

"I'll stay." Rick replied quietly after a ragged sigh and took Anna's hand into his. "I have to at least try to help, even if she doesn't want me to."

Within half an hour of Anna's call, the doorbell rang. Rick followed Anna as she went to answer. And once Mark was inside, the three sat and he was filled in on a few more details.

He found it hard to believe that Dee Dee would lay blame on Rick as they all knew he was innocent, but at the same time, he felt that maybe her behavior shouldn't be too much of a surprise, considering all that she's endured. He saw the accident and he saw her suffering begin from the start. He wouldn't be surprised if anyone in her position would be able to keep their sanity for very long.

He saw the pain and fear in their eyes, and could only imagine how much more extreme the suffering for Dee Dee was.

Mark didn't hesitate to at least attempt to help. "I don't know if she'll let me, but I'll try to talk to her."

Anna showed him to Dee Dee's room and quietly returned to her post downstairs.

"Dee Dee?" Mark knocked on the door. "It's Mark. Can I come in?"

"Mark?"

"Yes, it's me. I'd like to talk to you."

Dee Dee was slow to answer as her breathing was staggered due to her sobbing. "Uh...okay...come in."

Mark entered slowly and quietly. He saw that Dee Dee was curled up on the bed; her upper body moving involuntarily due to her uncontrollable sobbing. He stood beside the bed and spoke softly to her. "I'm sorry you're still hurting. Tell me what I can do to help."

His heart skipped a beat at seeing how much she was suffering and he silently prayed for guidance in helping her. In order to keep from invading her space, he looked at the window seat as he felt it was best to sit there, but when Dee Dee sat up to take a tissue from the bedside table, she didn't lie back down, but took Mark's hand in hers and looked up at him with grief clearly displayed in her eyes.

"Why did he do it?" She asked. "Why did he do this to me?"

"I don't know what you mean?" Mark sat beside her. "Tell me."

"Rick...is the cause of...Alex and AJ's...deaths." Dee Dee heaved a deep and ragged sigh and put her head against Mark's shoulder. "They're gone...because of him."

Mark's stomach churned at the idea of Dee Dee's suffering being the cause of her mind failing her, causing her to forget what actually happen that horrible day. "Why do you say that? Rick really cares for you. He and your mom are downstairs and are so worried about you."

Surprised, Dee Dee sat up and looked at Mark. "Rick is still here?"

"Yes, he's here." Mark noted the immediate change in Dee Dee's expression; anger overruling sorrow. She pulled herself up and away from Mark and rushed out of the room.

"Dee Dee, wait a minute!" He called to her but she had made it halfway downstairs before he reached the top of the staircase. She entered the living room so quickly that she took her mother and Rick by surprise. She stood in front of Rick who looked up to see absolute anger burning in her eyes. Before he could even express a thought, Dee Dee gave him an order.

"Get out." She said in a low and solid tone.

"Dee Dee, please tell me what's wrong." He pleaded. "I want to help you."

"I said get out."

Mark was now standing beside the sofa near Anna, watching as Dee Dee displayed a side of herself never seen by any of them.

Rick shook his head. "No, I'm not leaving until we can talk."

"I don't want to talk to you." Dee Dee replied sternly. "I want you to leave and never come back."

"Dee Dee?" Mark called. "Will you at least tell me what he's done? You didn't finish telling me upstairs." He sat beside Anna who nervously dabbed her eyes with a tissue.

"They didn't tell you?" Dee Dee asked Mark.

He was hesitant to answer, but knew that he could be nothing but honest with Dee Dee. She deserved that much. "They told me that you've said Rick is the reason that you lost your family."

"That's right." Dee Dee moved across the room and stood with he arms folded, her focus remaining on Rick. "I've known the truth all along, but I didn't say a word. I was angry...getting more and more angry at him by the day for what he did."

Everyone looked at her and then to one another in utter confusion.

With his stomach twisting in knots, Rick built his courage and spoke again. "Dee Dee, I don't know what's going on...what's got you thinking this way, but I love you." His eyes watered and his voice cracked. "I've loved you practically since the second we met and I'll always love you. God knows that I could _never_, _ever_ hurt you the way you say I have."

Dee Dee stood up and slammed her fist against the back of the chair. "You don't love me! If you love me, why did you let me go?" She began pacing the floor. "You let me go, Rick! If you hadn't..." The words were caught in her throat and her eyes filled with tears as the painful flashbacks began. She took in a sharp breath as her emotions grew stronger; her voice beginning to tremble as she began to sob. "When I was here...pregnant with AJ...if you loved me, you would have asked me to...stay. I wouldn't have...gone back...to Alex! My baby would have been...born here and he'd be with us...with me...he'd be alive! You were supposed to take care of us, but you didn't! You didn't care! You let me go back to Alex!"

Mark, Rick and Anna now saw that some of the puzzle pieces began to form a picture of her suffering. They looked on as her pace increased and she expressed herself even further.

"I loved Alex, but...it wasn't like I loved...you!"She stopped pacing for a moment and focused on Rick, again. "You didn't want me, so I tried to love him the way...that I loved you, but it never happened! It never happened because... I wasn't meant to be with him!" Her heart raced as she stepped away from Rick and took a seat. She wrapped her arms around herself and moved her hands up and down them as if to try and warm herself. "I blame Alex, too! I hate him for...being so damned careless! He drove...in front of that...truck and my baby is dead! The both of you took my baby...from me! I hate both of you! I hate you!"

As the others took on more answers, each shedding tears of their own, they felt a sense of relief in knowing why she felt the way she did, but at the same time they couldn't begin to imagine what it must be like to endure such agony and a feeling of being betrayed by those who loved her.

Dee Dee found it harder to breathe as her chest was constricted with the thriving of her anguish. "You didn't love...me enough...to...to...make me...stay! My baby...is dead...because you...didn't...didn't make me...stay!"

(Continued...)


	11. Chapter 11

(Chapter Eleven)

Other than the cries of despair from Dee Dee, no one made a sound as they struggled to gather their thoughts and emotions through the shock and sorrow.

Dee Dee slowly sank into a sitting position on the floor beside a chair. "You did this...to me." She said to Rick between gasps for air. "You...destroyed...my life."

Anna quietly moved to take her daughter in her arms. Through her own tears, she tried to offer comfort, but Dee Dee pulled away and wrapped her arms around herself even tighter.

Rick expelled a weary sigh and used his shirt sleeve to wipe his tears before he spoke. "Oh, my God. Dee Dee, I didn't want you to go, but I thought it was the right thing to do." He sniffled. "When Alex came for you, you were willing to work on your marriage. You left to try to save your marriage, Dee Dee. It hurt me to the core, but I wanted to do anything to make you happy. I didn't think I should stand in your way."

Dee Dee looked at Rick with her eyes full of tears. "You...knew what...you were doing. You told...me to decide for myself...to follow my heart." Her voice rose and strengthened as the anger gained fuel again. "I was following my heart when...I told you that I was still in love with...you, but it didn't matter! You said...you were still in love with me, but you never said for me to _stay_! If you loved me so much, what else could have been said? What else?"

Rick stood to move toward her. "I would have begged you to stay, but I thought maybe you wanted to at least give Alex another chance. If it didn't work out, then you and I would have gotten back together. That was my understanding, and I'm sorry if I misread everything."

"Get away from me! Get out!" Dee Dee yelled and turned away as her breathing become labored again.

"Dee Dee, please forgive me. I never meant for you to be hurt."

"Leave...me...alone! Don't ever...come...near...me again!"

Rick's tears began to flow again as the wrenching of his heart took over. "I love you and I loved AJ."

Dee Dee's sobbing increased with each passing second. "Just go!"

"Please don't shut me out."

Dee Dee closed her eyes and released the grip around herself. "I...I...can't...breathe."

Anna began to panic and tried pulling Dee Dee close again. Mark and Rick moved closer to try and calm her, but Dee Dee put her hand up to stop Rick. "No! Stay...away!"

Mark asked Anna to get a small paper bag as he moved to sit next to Dee Dee. "You'll be okay. Try to slow your breathing."

"Mark, make...Rick...leave." She said as her chest tightened even more. "Please."

Though Mark felt sympathy for Rick, his best interest was for Dee Dee. "Rick, maybe you'd better go."

Rick nodded solemnly. He wanted to desperately to be the one looking after her, but he knew that was not to be. He walked toward the door, but when he saw that Dee Dee wasn't watching, he didn't make an exit and stood out of sight to make sure she'd be okay.

Anna returned and quickly handed the bag to Mark who then helped Dee Dee place it over her mouth and nose to aid in calming her breathing.

Mark gently pushed a stray curl away from Dee Dee's face. "You'll be okay. I'll take care of you."

With some coaxing from Mark and Anna, Dee Dee began to breathe easier and slowly settled her head against Mark's shoulder.

It was one more action that made Rick feel as if he was being wedged even further apart from her.

Anna started to feel a little less frightened as she saw Dee Dee begin to settle down. "I'll make you some tea. Maybe it'll help you sleep."

"No." Dee Dee replied after slowly removing the bag. "I don't want to go to bed. I need to get out. I need to get some fresh air." With Mark's help, she slowly rose to her feet. "I need to go for a drive." Driving with her favorite tunes on the stereo would often help alleviate her stress.

Knowing that she was too unsteady to drive, Mark offered to take her for a ride. "I think the night air might do you some good, too."

"I appreciate it, but I don't even know if I want to come back home tonight. I need some time away."

"We can ride for as long as you'd like and afterward, you can come home with me. I have plenty of room and you're more than welcome. That is, if you'd feel comfortable with that."

Dee Dee was quick to answer. "That sounds really good." She'd gained a lot of trust in Mark and didn't worry about him getting out of line with her.

Rick continued to listen out of sight as another gesture of Mark's kindness tore through his heart. When Dee Dee went upstairs to pack a bag, he quietly slipped out of the dining room and out the front door.

Anna turned to Mark. "You'll take care of her, won't you?"

"Yes, I will." Mark answered. "She just needs a little time gather herself...time to grieve in however she chooses."

"Thank you."

Rick sat in his car for nearly an hour before entering his house.

He sat and worried and wondered. Worried about Dee Dee's emotional state. Wondered when and if she'd recover, and if he'd be forgiven. Though it would shred his heart to know she'd never forgive him, he'd accept that any day if he had to make a choice of that or her being strong and happy again.

The scenes continued to replay in his thoughts and his heart grew heavier with every counting second. He pulled himself from the car and made his way inside his home.

He kicked off his shoes and changed into a comfortable pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt, grabbed a soft drink from the fridge and plopped down into his recliner to watch television, but didn't pay it any attention as his mind remained focused on the suffering that had been expressed to him by Dee Dee.

He felt guilty for not asking her...for not _begging_ her to stay two years ago, but he honestly thought it was for the best. He felt that he would be causing her to make a decision that may have lived to regret later on. Now _he_ was suffering feelings of regret.

"_Will she ever forgive me? How can I make things better? She hates me _...s_he's in so much pain...pain that I may have been able to prevent. I never wanted this." _His eyes misted again. _"Maybe Alex was right. I'll never have her even after his death."_

(Continued...)


	12. Chapter 12

(Chapter Twelve)

Dee Dee splashed cold water on her face, combed her hair and tossed a few items into a bag to get her through a few days. She put on her sneakers and grabbed her son's bear and her purse and made her way back downstairs.

Mark stood to meet her and to take her bag. "Are you ready?"

"Yes." Dee Dee replied softly.

Anna was hesitant to hug her daughter, fearing that she would pull away again, but before she could reach her, Dee Dee moved quickly to her and wrapped her arms around her and told her that she loved her.

"I love you, too, sweetheart." Anna's voice cracked. "Call me if you need me, okay?"

"I will. I'll see you later."

Mark escorted Dee Dee outside to his Mercedes roadster, made sure that she was settled inside and then put the bag in the small compartment. "Do you want the top up or down?" He asked as he settled behind the wheel.

"Down. I need to feel the air." Dee Dee sighed as she clutched the little toy bear.

"Is there any particular direction you'd like to go?"

"Not really." Dee Dee sighed. "Well, maybe a long stretch of road like the interstate or along the beach."

"You've got." Mark let down the top and they were on their way. He turned on the music, keeping it fairly low as not to disturb Dee Dee and and to allow them to speak without having to raise their voices.

As he drove, he took an occasional glance at his companion who seemed to be comfortable with her eyes closed, head against the headrest; as the cool breeze gently whipped her hair around her face. He wondered how much more she could stand, and if her expressing how she felt about Rick would be of any help to her. "_Everyone has a breaking point. Maybe this was hers."_ As he concentrated on the road and listened to the music, he heard a deep sigh escape from Dee Dee's lips and looked to see that her eyes were open.

"I guess the smog is taking a break." She noted while taking in the view of several twinkling stars.

"So it seems." Mark said with a light smile. "I'm glad so you'd have something beautiful to enjoy during the ride."

"Thanks. Speaking of beautiful, I really like this song." Dee Dee turned to Mark. "Would you mind turning it up a little?"

"Not at all."

Dee Dee listened to the instrumental tune for a few moments. "Is this your group?"

"Yes. I'm playing the sax on this one."

"I really do like it." Dee Dee settled back into a comfortable position.

"Thank you. I have a fairly decent collection of music in my library, so feel free to listen to whatever you like."

Thanks. I will."

For several minutes, the two exchanged comments about music, and Mark was relieved to hear Dee Dee talk about something that obviously made her happy.

After more than an hour or scenic views by way of the long roads along the beach and the tree-lined interstate, Dee Dee announced that she was feeling better and that they could head to Mark's home. Time seemed to pass quickly as within a half hour, Mark was pulling into the driveway.

Sitting behind a large wrought iron double gate, Dee Dee saw a magnificent three-story Mediterranean-style home with an elegant, but not overbearing fountain in the center of the circular driveway. She had always felt that Mark's home would be very nice, but she didn't imagine it would be this grand.

"Wow, it's beautiful."

"Thank you." Mark drove up and parked under the Porte-cochère at the front entrance. He exited the car and opened the passenger door for Dee Dee, took her bag from the back and then gently placed his hand at the small of her back to escort her inside his home.

The primary focus was the double staircase in the center of the main entrance which lead to the second floor; the wrought iron railing offering both a delicate and strong architectural design.

"Let's go up and get you settled into one of the bedrooms." Mark suggested. "After that, I'll give you a tour, or you can wait until sometime later."

"Thanks." Dee Dee followed Mark upstairs.

"There are six guest suites to choose from. You can take whichever you'd like."

Mark showed her each of the suites, each containing its own unique and luxurious style; displaying pieces of art from around that world that complimented the décor.

After taking a look at each room and having a hard time of deciding, Dee Dee found one that she liked, only a couple of doors away from the master suite. The room had a large bay window with a seat, something Dee Dee had always liked, a sitting area with a chaise and a plush chair, coffee table and fire place. From the window, she could see the immaculate grounds in the back of the home; the well-manicured shrubbery, a fountain even more grand than the one in the front of the house, the pool, and a stone walking trail that lead to a footbridge over a koi pond in a Japanese garden.

"It's so beautiful...the room and the view. I think I'll be happy here." A slight smile crept across Dee Dee's lips. "Thank you."

"You're very welcome." Mark smiled. "Are you hungry?"

"A little, I guess."

"Okay. I have plenty of food in the kitchen, but if you'd like to order in, I'm game."

"I'm sure that what you have is fine."

"I don't know..." Mark chuckled. "Seriously, I do try to keep something decent around." He had Dee Dee to follow him into the kitchen and explained where she could find everything for whenever she felt like coming in for something.

"For a single man who travels quite a bit, you sure do have a pretty well-stocked kitchen." Dee Dee took note of the neatly packed containers of food in the refrigerator and freezer.

"I have to confess...I have a chef. She comes in a couple of times a week and makes the most amazing meals and puts them away for me."

Dee Dee smiled at hearing Mark come clean. "If I had a personal chef when I was single, I wouldn't have had to rely on meals that come in boxes or cans."

"Been there, done that."

Both Mark and Dee Dee laughed at his comment.

"I wasn't too bad." Dee Dee stated. "I knew how to cook a little, but since it was just me and I was working so much, I didn't see much need to. When I got married, that all changed and I got pretty good at it."

"I wouldn't doubt it." Mark commented. "If you want to cook something at any time, that's fine with me."

"Thanks."

After Mark heated their food, the two sat across from each other at the large marble counter and began their meal. He turned on the television that was mounted on the wall at the far end of the kitchen to offer a little background noise.

"I forgot to mention..." Mark began. "If you need to go someplace, you can take one of my cars.

"Thank you. How many cars do you have, if you don't mind answering?"

"Seven...so far."

Dee Dee quickly put down her glass in surprise. "Seven...so far? Wow. What do you need with..." She stopped herself. "I'm sorry. It's none of my business."

Mark chuckled. "What do I need with seven cars? I've always loved cars, and when I find one I like, I buy it. I do a lot of restoration myself, which is also a hobby and saves a few dollars. Another reason would be to keep my guests from spending money on rental cars or taxis when they're here. I have family and friends to visit and I don't like the idea of them putting out the extra money or being stranded here until I can take them where they need to go."

"Oh, now that's very nice of you." Dee Dee smiled.

"Thank you. So, as I've said, you can take one when you need it."

"I appreciate it." Dee Dee began to clear away the dishes.

"You're a guest. You don't have to do that." Mark stood to take the dishes from her.

"I'm an intruder."

"What do you mean by that?"

Dee Dee lowered her head as she felt ashamed. "I know I was wreck at my mom's and I wanted to get away, but I really didn't intend for you to put yourself out. I practically invited myself over."

Mark crinkled his brow. "No, I invited you here. I didn't think you drive and I thought you could use some company. I didn't want you to be alone in a hotel room if you decided not to go back to your mom's."

Dee Dee looked up. "I appreciate it, but I didn't even ask if you had plans."

"Well, I don't, so stop worrying about it." Mark smiled. "Most of my plans would be related to work, and I can do most of that at home. Even if I have to leave for a bit, my home is yours. Got it?"

"Got it." Dee Dee smiled gratefully.

"Good. Now, I'll put these in the dishwasher and I'll show you what's on this level of the house."

When Mark was finished, he showed Dee Dee the extended dining area in the kitchen with the two large doors leading to the patio, outdoor kitchen and pool, and another door that lead to the three-car garage beside the kitchen. He explained that the other cars and "big boys toys" were parked in another garage off to the other side of the house. They then exited the kitchen to continue the first-floor tour. Dee Dee was shown the formal living room, formal dining room, family room/den, a half bath at the foyer, one near the studio, one just off the family room and a private library filled with books.

"This is just the first floor, and I think I need a map." Dee Dee chuckled.

"It's not that bad." Mark laughed. There's a lot more to see, but I think we'll hold off until tomorrow. You need to get some rest." He could see that she was truly exhausted from all of the days events.

"Yeah, I think you're right. I guess I'll head upstairs, now."

"Okay. If you need me, I'll be my studio. Have a good night."

"Thank you. You, too."

Taking AJ's bear into her arms, Dee Dee made herself comfortable in the large, plush bed and used the remote control to turn on the TV above the fireplace. Within a few minutes, she was drifting off to sleep, but before she was in a deep sleep, she began to think of her son curling up next her in her bed back home in London. The warm tears trailed along her cheeks as the reality set in.

"AJ, I miss you baby. I miss you so much."

She lay awake for several minutes, knowing that she wouldn't soon fall asleep. She remembered that Mark said that she could make herself at home, that she was welcome to all the books in his library. She placed the toy bear on the pillow and slipped out of bed to go downstairs.

Mark was walking toward the kitchen when he caught a glimpse of Dee Dee coming down the stairs. "Hey. Couldn't sleep?"

"No." Dee Dee answered as she continued down the stairs.

"Sorry."

"It's okay. How's your work going?"

"It's going, but I wanted to take a break for some ice cream. Would you like some?"

"I came down for a book."

"Ice cream goes well with a good book." Mark smiled.

"Well, I can't sleep anyway, so what could it hurt?"

"Exactly. Listen, if you want to join me in the studio for a while, you're more than welcome."

Dee Dee thought for a second. She'd been interested in seeing Mark in action since she found out he was a musician. "Are you sure you don't mind?"

"I don't mind at all. Go get your ice cream and meet me there."

A few moments later, Dee Dee was entering the studio with a small bowl of ice cream in her hand. "Quite the professional setup you have." She commented.

"Thanks. It serves a purpose."

"What are you working on?"

"I have two projects at the moment. One is an instrumental and the other an upbeat tune with lyrics."

Dee Dee sighed as she swallowed a spoonful of the ice cream. "Do you mind if I listen to what you have so far on the instrumental piece?"

"Not at all."

The two listened to the song and Dee Dee commented on how much she liked it. When it was over, she asked to hear more. The two sat for over an hour enjoying a second helping of ice cream and listening to the soothing tunes that gently filled the air and offered relaxation to the both of them.

"Mark, you have a real talent. I'm very impressed."

"Thanks a lot."

"You' re very welcome." Dee Dee said while trying to stifle a yawn.

"Do you think you're ready to try and get some sleep, now?"

"Yes, I do. I think the music may have helped to soothe my nerves a bit."

"That's good."

Dee Dee made sure to take her bowl from the table and stood to exit the room. "I'll go ahead and get a book just in case."

"Okay. Leave the bowl. I'll take it when I take mine."

"Thanks. Don't stay up too late."

"I won't. I'll be heading up in a few minutes. I just need to shut things down in here. See you in the morning."

"Okay. Sleep well."

"You, too."

Dee Dee put her book on the bedside table, slipped beneath the covers and took her baby's bear into her arms. Before she knew it, she was quickly falling asleep.

It had taken Mark a little over a half an hour before he was finished in his studio. After putting the bowls into the dishwasher, he checked the alarm system and started up to his room. He could hear Dee Dee screaming the names of her husband, son and Rick in her sleep. He knocked quickly and called her name, and then rushed inside.

"Dee Dee." Mark gently shook her shoulder. "Dee Dee, wake up."

Her tear-filled eyes fluttered open and she turned to Mark. Without a word, she sat up and threw her arms around him.

Mark held her close and let her cry as he stroked her back. "It'll get better. It has to."

(Continued...)


	13. Chapter 13

(Chapter Thirteen)

Dee Dee continued to hold onto Mark, her body quaking as she continued through her tears. "It was dark...and cold. My baby...needed me. I couldn't get...to him. Couldn't save him. No one...could. I couldn't find him. I couldn't...find my...baby. He was crying. Calling...me. He so was scared. Alex and Rick...they weren't there...to help me. No one...helped me." She heaved a ragged sigh as Mark held her tighter. "I heard someone...call my name. They took... my hand. It was you. That's when you...woke me up." She gently pulled herself away to look into Mark's eyes. "Thank you...for being here."

"You're welcome. I'm so glad that I was here for you...that you weren't alone."

"Me, too."

Mark took a tissue from the bedside table and wiped Dee Dee's tears as she had begun to calm down. "Hold on a second." He stood and went into the bathroom to get a cool wet washcloth. When he returned, her gently wiped her face and neck with it to offer some comfort.

"Thank you." Dee Dee said, gratefully.

"You're welcome. Can I get you something to drink?"

Dee Dee shook her head. "No, that's okay."

"Do you want to talk some more?"

"Not right now." Dee Dee replied with a moderate sigh. "Mark, I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For disturbing you and having you come in to check on me."

"Dee Dee, please don't feel that you ever have to apologize. I told you that I'm here for you. I care about you and I want to help you."

"I just feel like I need to be able to take care of myself, but I can't."

"I think you're doing the best you can and at some point, you'll be stronger. I know you will. You have to believe that, too."

Dee Dee nodded. "I know what you're saying, but sometimes I feel like I'm going to die. I wish I had died instead of my baby."

"It saddens me to hear you say that, but I can understand that you would feel that way. I imagine any loving parent would say the same. We can't rush ourselves into healing, and we can't allow others to try and tell us how to grieve. No two people suffer or heal in the same way, so it's going to be on your time, no one else's."

"Yeah, I know. But it just hurts so much."

"And it will for a long time."

Dee Dee thought about Mark hurting from finding that his ex-girlfriend had been cheating on him. "I know that you're still suffering, too. I know you'll make it through, though."

"Thank you. We'll both make it." Mark smiled. "Are you feeling a little better?"

"I guess."

"Do you think you can sleep? If you want to keep talking, that's fine."

"I appreciate it, but I'll try to rest."

"Okay. You know where I am if you need me. Sleep well."

"Thank you." Dee Dee slipped down between the covers. "You sleep well, too."

Mark left the room and Dee Dee turned off the lamp. Though she still hadn't known him for long at all, she felt that she had known him for ages and felt truly fortunate to have him looking after her.

When Mark went into his room, he sat on the bed and thought of how much Dee Dee's been through and wondered what more she would go through. He'd never felt so close to any other woman so quickly, including his ex-girlfriend. He felt that it was his duty to continue to protect her and wanted all the strength possible to help him see it through.

...

Rick forced himself to get dressed for work. The night had been a harsh one on him mentally, and he was still suffering for it. There was no sleeping for him, and though his heart had been twisted by anguish, he knew his could never compare to Dee Dee's.

"Hunter!" Charlie called from behind Rick.

Rick snapped of out his daze as he turned to see him coming down the hall. "Yeah?"

"What? You losing your hearing? I called you twice back there." Charlie said with a chuckle. "Something's got ahold of your thoughts for sure. What is it?"

Though Rick didn't admit it to Charlie, his mind was so preoccupied that he didn't even recall getting from his house to the station. "I uh...was thinking of the Harkins case."

"Yeah? Making any progress?"

"Not really." Rick sighed.

"Well, hopefully more will come up before too long."

Rick nodded. "Yeah."

"You sure you're okay? I mean, I know with Dee Dee's loss, it's been rough on us all. I'm still finding it all hard to believe With you and she being so close, I know it's really cutting through you."

"It's completely unbelievable to me, Charlie."

"Have you talked to her, today?" Charlie asked.

Rick felt his chest tightening as he fought off telling Charlie what happened the night before. "No. I'll check on her during lunch."

"Okay. I'll give her a call later."

Rick though of telling Charlie that Dee Dee wouldn't be at her mother's, that she was staying with Mark. He quickly decided that by saying something and Dee Dee finding out, may put him at even a greater distance from her. He'd let Anna fill him in. "I guess I should get to my desk and try to catch up on some work."

After Charlie admitted that he needed to do the same, the two parted ways.

Rick found it hard to concentrate as his mind was mainly focused on Dee Dee and what had transpired between them last night. He wished the time would pass more quickly beyond the early morning hours so he could call Mark to ask how she was doing. When it was 10:30am, he lost his patience and dialed Mark's home phone number.

"Hello?"

"Mark, it's Rick. How are you?"

"Hi, Rick. I'm okay. You?"

"I've been better." Rick sighed. "How's Dee Dee?"

"She had a pretty rough night. She hasn't come downstairs, yet, so I haven't talked to her this morning."

"What happened last night?"

Mark was hesitant to discuss too much about Dee Dee, unsure of how she'd feel about it, especially knowing that he'd be telling Rick. "She just couldn't sleep for a while, but she managed."

"I see." Rick replied. "I don't want to upset her, so don't tell her I called, okay?"

"Okay."

"Thanks. I'll call back later. If I can do something...if she even hints about wanting to talk to me, please let me know."

"I will."

Rick sat at his desk for several minutes, wondering when Dee Dee would ever speak to him again. Wondering _if_ she would ever speak to him again. Knowing that he'd caused her such pain made him miserable and he didn't know what to do to ease either of their pain. He never imagined that something like this could take place...that she could actually feel such hatred toward him. He could only hope that it was temporary, that once her pain began to lessen she'd realize that she was his heart and that he would do anything to keep her from suffering. In her eyes, he hadn't done that and it was killing the both of them.

The years they've shared have brought them heartache and misery, but they managed to push through it. This was something different. This was tearing them apart instead of bringing them together. There was no depending on one another like in the past because you can't depend on someone you hate, and you can't offer your support to someone who hates you. Hate. Such a small but powerful and hurtful word. One that the two had never used toward one another and knew that they never could. Now, it has been used by Dee Dee to express how she now felt about him.

Would there ever be a moment where the word would once again have no association with their relationship?

...

(Continued...)


	14. Chapter 14

(Chapter Fourteen)

Just as Mark and Rick hung up, Dee Dee entered the kitchen.

With her hair in a ponytail and wearing a yellow pajama short-set, he noted that she looked ten to fifteen years younger that she truly was, and though it was obvious that she was still somewhat tired, it didn't take anything away from her beauty. He wondered if anything could take away from it.

"Good morning." She greeted.

"Morning. Did you sleep okay?"

"Other than waking up twice, I did okay."

"I'm glad you did as well as that." Mark smiled and sipped his coffee.

"Hey, I..." Dee Dee sighed and placed her hand over Mark's. "I want to thank you again for being there for me last night."

"You're welcome, but I told you that you don't have to thank me."

"I know. It's just that..."

"Let me guess." Mark interrupted with a smile. "It's just that you're a very polite person?"

The beginning of a smile appeared on Dee Dee's face. "Yeah, I try to be."

"I appreciate your gratitude, but like I said, I'm going to be there for you, okay?"

Dee Dee nodded. "Okay."

"Do you want me to make you some breakfast?"

"No, thanks. I can manage." Dee Dee poured herself a bowl of cereal. "What are your plans for today?"

"I think I'll work on that song." Mark frowned. "I probably won't get anywhere."

"That piece is really bothering you, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is. I can't get past that part for the piano that you heard last night."

"You'll get it."

"I hope so. What about you? What are you planning for today?"

"I don't know." Dee Dee replied. "I might hang out around the pool or watch a movie...maybe just sleep. In case I do decide to swim, I'd like to borrow one of your cars to go shopping for a suit and a few other things."

"No problem, just help yourself. You know where the keys are."

"I appreciate it. Has my mom called?"

"No, she hasn't."

"I'm surprised. I guess I'll call her before I get ready to leave."

"Okay. I think I'll go ahead and mess around with that song for a few minutes."

The two talked for a few moments more and then left the kitchen to tend to their duties.

"Hello?"

"Hi, mom."

"Hi, sweetheart." Anna sighed with relief at hearing her daughter's voice. "How are you feeling?"

"Tired." Dee Dee replied softly as she sat on the bed. "How are you?"

"I'm okay. Glad to hear your voice. Did you not sleep well?"

"Not really, but that's normal." Dee Dee sighed. "It's the only thing that _is_ normal in my life, lately."

Unsure of how to respond, Anna moved on to her next question. "Do you know how long you'll stay?"

"No, I don't. Mark says I can stay for as long and I want. I'm taking him up on that offer."

"Okay. Well, would you like to meet for lunch or dinner?"

"I appreciate the gesture, but I'd just like to take today and rest. I'm leaving here in a minute to get a few things that I need from the store, then I'll be back to relax."

"I see." Anna replied with disappointment. "Well, whatever you feel is best."

"Thanks. I should be going. I'll talk to you later."

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you, too."

Dee Dee chose to drive Mark's candy apple red Corvette to run her errands. With the the top down, she felt a slight sense of freedom, similar to how she felt when she and Mark drove for a while before arriving at his home the night before, but her distress was still very much present. She hoped that the trip to the mall would alleviate some of it, and though she was happy to find two swimsuits with matching sarongs, other articles of clothing and a few other necessities, she felt her heart sink as she came upon a store specializing in children's clothing. Two particular items in the display window was a boy's white sailor suit, and a newborn baby girl's sailor dress, both with matching berets. Though she'd never forget the moment, it was a harsh reminder of her baby boy and the day he wore a very similar suit...the last suit he'd ever wear. She also thought of how if she had actually been pregnant at this time, she may have a daughter who could wear the little dress, but as the test proved, there was no chance of that happening.

She felt her heart racing as she fought to keep her tears from falling. Finding the nearest restroom; thankful that it was completely empty, she locked herself inside a stall and cried as softly as possible so not to draw attention to herself in case someone came in.

After a few moments, she silently willed herself to calm down and as the seconds went by, she gradually made some progress. She dried her tears and exited the stall with her bags to check her appearance. To her surprise, the very little eyeliner she had applied was still intact, so she freshened her lipstick and then headed for the nearest exit out of the mall.

– – –

It had been over three hours since Rick called to check on Dee Dee and his concentration hadn't improved. When he got the call about a lead on the Harkins case, he tried to focus on the task of getting to the destination and finding more on what he was looking for. He was even more aggravated after making the twenty minute drive to find that the informant decided not to show up after all.

Though his appetite wasn't at its best, he knew that he needed something to help get him through the rest of the day, but before he could think anymore about food, he wanted to try and find out more about Dee Dee.

– – –

"Rick. Come in."

"Hi, Anna. Have you heard from her?"

Anna asked Rick to sit down. "Yes, just a little while ago."

"How is she?"

"I really don't know. She didn't say much; just that she was tired, hadn't slept well and would be staying at Mark's for a while."

Rick exhaled sharply. "I called Mark this morning and he didn't give me much to go on, either. I did ask him not to tell her that I called. I didn't want to upset her."

Anna nodded. "How have you been holding up?"

"Not too great. You?"

"It's been rough. I can't believe that my grandchild and son-in-law are gone, and I can't seem to help my daughter through the pain."

Rick's heart ached for Anna, knowing that she was hurting so deeply. "I wish I could do something to help you."

"You've done a lot, Rick. I do appreciate you for it."

"I'm glad to have done something right." Rick lowered his head as his thoughts returned to how Dee Dee felt about him. "I still can't get past the idea of her thinking that I deliberately hurt her." His voice cracked. "I honestly thought I was doing the right thing. I thought she wanted to sort things out with Alex one way or another."

"I know you did."

"I thought that if things didn't work out between them, she'd divorce him and she and I would be together."

"I know. You had her best interest at heart."

"I really did. I wanted her to decide for herself, though I knew she wasn't happy with him." Rick expelled a ragged sigh. "I still didn't want to cause her any more pain or confusion by flat-out telling her not to ever go back."

"I understand." Anna replied. "I think that she was really confused about everything that she had or wanted to have with you as well as with Alex."

"I suppose. I just feel so guilty for not sparing her so much pain. Now that she hates me..." The words caught in Rick's throat. "She hates me and I may never be able to help her."

Anna looked toward the window. "Is that a car driving up?"

Rick stood and looked out. He realized that he was in trouble and caught himself before cursing out loud. "It's Dee Dee."

He and Anna braced themselves for what they expected to be a very upsetting moment for Dee Dee.

Before Dee Dee could use her key, Anna opened the door. "Hi, sweetie."

"Hi." Dee Dee hugged her mother as Rick watch quietly from the sofa.

"Are you here to visit for a while?" Anna asked as they parted.

"No. I'm just here to pick up a few things." Dee Dee looked toward Rick and then back to Anna with a glint of anger in her eyes. "I saw his car and I almost didn't stop. Then I thought, this is my mother's house and I have every right to be here. He doesn't."

Anna pursed her lips before answering. "He only stopped by to see how you were."

Dee Dee turned to Rick. "I don't need you to check up on me! What I need is for you to leave me the hell alone!" She hurried up the stairs.

Rick stood and looked to Anna. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause trouble. I'll go, now."

"It's okay." Anna replied. "You didn't know she'd come by."

Rick nodded. "Call me if you need me for anything."

"I will." Anna placed her had on Rick's arm. "I'll also call to let you know how she is."

"Thank you." Rick answered gratefully as he headed for the door. "You take care."

"You, too."

Rick sat in his car for a few moments, wishing that he could have talked to Dee Dee, to make her understand that he never meant to hurt her, but there would be no way she'd listen to him at this moment.

As he drove off, feeling much worse than he did before leaving his desk, he decided to call Charlie and ask for the rest of the day off. He explained that the lead was a failure and that he hadn't gotten any closer than he'd been since they last spoke. Charlie had no problem with granting the request. He knew that Rick had been on an emotionally charged rollercoaster since Dee Dee lost her family and that he needed time for himself, too.

Rick went straight home and changed into a t-shirt and a pair shorts and headed out to the beach for a walk. He stood and looked out at the water, thinking that if Dee Dee's suffering could be measured, maybe the immensity of the ocean could be a starting guide. Taking time to find shelter from the sun, he sat beneath the pier in the cooler sand, watching the surfers and sailboats take on the waves.

At the moment, he preferred to be alone, but at the same time, he never felt so alone and so lost within himself.

A broken heart can do that do a person.

* * *

(Continued...)


	15. Chapter 15

(Chapter Fifteen)

As Dee Dee drove back to Mark's home, she hoped that music would offer a distraction from the earlier events, and though the car stereo provided great sound quality, it didn't keep her mind fully drawn away from her worries.

Anna's home, approximately two hours earlier -

With her heart pounding from anger at Rick, Dee Dee hurried the gather the things she came for so she could quickly return to her safe haven. It was hard enough for her to break down at the mall, but then having to confront her mother and Rick only added to her misery.

She never imagined that such betrayal would come from him, and the pain he'd inflicted upon her was something she knew would never heal. Her thoughts were interrupted by Anna calling to her.

With a sigh of frustration, she answered. "Yes?"

"You had a phone call earlier." Anna entered the room. "It was Arnold James. He wanted to know how you were, and left a number for you to call him."

Dee Dee nodded without looking up. "I'll call him later."

Anna watched as her daughter rush to get her things. "Are you okay?"

Dee Dee stopped and stared at her mother for a few seconds. "Why would you ask me something like that? Would _you_ be okay?"

Anna sat on the bed and sighed out of guilt and disappointment. "I don't guess I know what to say or do, anymore. This is hard for me, too...to see my child suffering and to know that I can't help her."

Dee Dee felt her own pang of guilt and sat beside her mother. "Mom, I'm sorry if I'm hurting your feelings, but you have to realize that I'm going through _hell_. I have to _try_ to get through it in the best way that I know how. If that means blowing up at someone every-so-often, you all just have to bear with me. I've never hurt like this in my life." Tears began to form in her eyes. "This is something that no one can tell me exactly how to get through because they're not me. Even if I had an identical twin sister and we both experienced the same loss, she and I wouldn't suffer in the exact same way. I need to do what I need to do for _me_."

"I understand." Anna caught a tear trailing her own cheek. "It's just so hard for me because I really do want to help you."

"Then just let me do what I need to do, and when I need you to be there for me, just be there."

"Okay, I'll do my best." Anna heaved a sigh and stood to leave.

Dee Dee wiped her tears. "Mom?"

"Yes?"

"I do love you and I appreciate that you want to help me."

"I know, and I love you, too." Mother and daughter embraced before Anna left.

Dee Dee continued gathering her items while fighting to keep her emotions intact.

She was thankful that she and her mother had grown closer over the past few years, but she still felt that Anna still didn't truly understand her and never would. She had promised herself and AJ that she would be a much better mother than Anna had been, and that she would put her child before anything and anyone. Anna hadn't done that as Dee Dee grew up and it affected her deeply. She knew that she hadn't been a planned child as her parents weren't married at the time, and if not for Anna's pregnancy, they may not have married at all or at least not as early as they did. She often felt that her parents, especially her mother regretted the decisions to keep her and/or to marry. She always carried that inside her heart, never knowing the exact truth of the matter and it was a dreadfully painful situation to be in.

Anna had every opportunity to love and to raise her child unconditionally, but chose not to, putting her life as a socialite first and criticizing Dee Dee at every turn for the things that made _her_ happy, but not Anna. Though Dee Dee had promised to do this for her child, the time had now ended for her to do. She sat on the bed and thought of how unfair it was for a woman to have a child with her for over thirty years and to never really love her as she should have, and for another to have her child for only two years and to love him beyond belief, knowing from the moment he was conceived, that she would die for him at any given moment. How can she and her mother be so different when it came to their children? Apparently, it was due to one _wanting_ her child and the other _not_ wanting her child. The thoughts created a sickening churning in the pit of her stomach.

The more she thought of it, the more she hurt and wanted to hurry away from the house.

A few minutes later, she headed for the front door and called to Anna who was in the den.

"Mom, I'm leaving! I'll see you later!" She put her bags down to open the door and Anna caught up to her.

"Okay. Are you sure I can't..." Anna caught herself before finishing.

Dee Dee, knowing that her mother was about to repeat the same question, released a sigh in aggravation. "I've gotta go." She quickly exited the house and hurried to the car.

Dee Dee keyed in the security code to gain access through the gate leading to Mark's house. Before driving through, she took a deep breath and tried to shake off some of the tension. As she pulled into the garage, Mark was on his way out to help her.

"I saw you at the gate on the monitor." He told her.

"Oh, okay." Dee Dee replied simply.

"Is something wrong?" Mark asked. "I hope you know that I'm not spying on you. If I'm near the monitor, I can see anyone that drives up."

"Of course I know you're not spying." Dee Dee stated while offering a weak, but reassuring smile. "I just had a few rough moments, earlier."

"I'm sorry." Mark took the larger bags from the car. "Do you need to talk about it?"

"Maybe later." Dee Dee took the small bags and they started for the house.

"Whatever you want." Mark followed her inside and carried her bags up for her.

"Thank you." Dee Dee said to Mark. "I know I'm bringing more things in, but I swear I'm not moving in permanently."

"I know." Mark smiled. "You're here for as long as you need to be, and that's perfectly fine. I told you before, you're welcome here, and that my house is your house."

"I'll have to figure out a way to repay your generosity." Dee Dee stood on her toes to wrap her arms around Mark's neck. "You have no idea of how much I appreciate you."

"No, you don't, and yes I do." Mark gently wrapped his arms around Dee Dee's waist and held her until she slowly pulled away.

"Are you still going for your swim?" He asked.

"Not right now. I'm not really up to it at the moment."

"Okay, I'll leave you to yourself." Mark turned toward to the door and then back to Dee Dee. "Why don't you come to the studio with me? Maybe you can give me some input on that song. It'll give you a bit of a distraction."

Dee Dee thought for a second. "I'm not sure of how much help I'll be, but I'd like to see how you're coming along."

"Great."

For the first half hour, Dee Dee quietly took time to look over the equipment and some of the many albums on the shelves and was quite impressed and was now anxious to visit his music library.

With an album in her hands, she looked over her shoulder at Mark. "Making any progress?"

"Nope." Mark folded his arms.

"I'm sorry." Dee Dee replaced the album and sat beside Mark at the piano. "Do you mind if I have a look?"

"Not at all."

Mark sat quietly as he watched Dee Dee study the arrangement, hoping that she could offer some advice, though he had no idea if she knew what she was looking at or not. He just knew he needed some help. He watched as Dee Dee took a slip of paper and began writing something. "Please tell me that you've just written the rest of the song." He joked.

"Sorry to disappoint, but...no." Dee Dee smiled. "I do have a couple of suggestions, though. I hope that's okay."

"Sure it is. What have you got?" Mark took the paper and studied it for a moment. "I'll give it a try."

He began to play the part of the song that was giving him the trouble, using the note changes that Dee Dee had given him. "Hmm." He stopped and thought for a minute. "That's better than what I had. I like the way it sounds." He smiled.

"Thanks."

"No, thank _you_. So, are you really into writing music?"

"Well..." Dee Dee began. "I dabble. I've written a few songs, but I'm nowhere near as talented as you are."

"Why do you say that?" Mark furrowed his brow.

"Because...well, you're a writer, a musician, singer, producer...you can do it all."

"I can do all of those things, but I can't do it _all i_n this business, though I appreciate the acknowledgment. And for the record,just because I do more than you do, doesn't mean you're not just as talented or even more talented. I'll bet if you'd take the chance, you could do just as much or more."

Dee Dee saw the sincerity in his eyes and it made her feel a bit encouraged. "Maybe. I do sing, play piano, write my own lyrics and I even tried the guitar for a while."

"You sing?" Mark asked in surprise.

"Yes. It's one of my passions." Dee Dee allowed herself to smile a bit.

"You're just full of surprises, aren't you?" Mark smiled as his interest piqued. "What types of music are you into? What types of songs do you prefer to sing and write?"

"I like classical, jazz standards, contemporary jazz, swing, R mostly the earlier Motown sound, fifties rock and roll, and rock from the seventies and eighties, to name a few."

"I don't find that surprising at all. You seem like the type to just delve in and find out what suits you in most any genre. I like that."

"Thanks. I try." Dee Dee smiled.

"Maybe you'll sing for me one day."

"I'll think about it." Dee Dee sighed. "I used to sing to my baby all the time. When he was old enough, he'd try to sing along, too. I miss that so much."

Mark saw Dee Dee's minimal smile fade. "I'm sure you do." Feeling that she could use a bit of cheering up, he made a suggestion. How about we leave this alone and go watch a movie. I just feel like being lazy right now. I've decided not to take any meetings today, so let's do this."

Dee Dee was slow to respond but nodded. "Okay. Which theater should I check for..." She caught a smile from Mark. "Oh, right. You have your own theater in the house." She giggled.

Mark laughed. "I do, but we can definitely go out if you'd rather."

"No, I really don't, but I thought I'd give it a try, but only because I'd forgotten about your theater.

I would much rather stay in."

"Great."

"I just need to make a phone call and get into something more comfortable, first."

"That's fine. I'll go start up the popcorn machine and you can meet me so we can pick out something good to watch. Maybe a comedy."

"Sounds good. I'll see you in a few minutes." Dee Dee went to her room and changed into a t-shirt and a pair of shorts and chose not to wear shoes, only socks. For a moment, she was hesitant about making the call, but felt it was necessary to talk to her old friend. She dialed the number and was surprised to get an answer on the first ring.

"Talk to me."

"Hi, Sporty. It's Dee Dee."

"McCall I'm so glad you called."

Arnold "Sporty" James replied with a slight smile. He'd always been especially fond of Dee Dee and Rick, most often calling them by their last names since the day they'd met, and he'd always told Dee Dee that she'd be "McCall", no matter what. He was the best when it came to "the word on the street" and the duo considered him a friend, not just an informant, so Dee Dee never had a problem with him calling her "McCall" when it _was_ her last name or now that it isn't.

"Mom told me that you called. I want to thank you for all of the beautiful flowers." Dee Dee spoke of those that Sporty had delivered to the funeral and those that were sent just for her at her mother's home.

"You're very welcome." Sporty cleared his throat. "Listen, I want to apologize for not staying for the entire service and for not being at the cemetery. I just don't do well at funerals, especially when it involves a child and someone I care so much for." His words caught in his throat. "When I...I saw you enter the church, my heart broke and I almost left at that moment, but I stayed for a while. I'm just so sorry that I wasn't there for the entire time. I hope you can forgive me."

"Sporty." Dee Dee caught a tear with her fingertip. "There's nothing to forgive. I know how much you care about me and I know that these things aren't easy to deal with. I just appreciate you being there at all."

Sporty felt his heart lighten at knowing that his friend held no harsh feelings toward him. "Thank you, and you're welcome. If I can do anything for you, please let me know."

"I will."

The two talked for a few more minutes and Dee Dee gave Sporty her cell phone number. They promised to stay in touch and to meet for lunch in the near future.

When Dee Dee entered the home theater, she was impressed by the setup which was very much like a commercial setting, only much smaller. The entrance hall had a soft lighting, framed vintage movie posters along the walls, and a small self-serve concession stand, complete with various candies, a soft drink fountain and antique popcorn cart.

On the inside, there were twelve over-sized plush recliners on the elevated rows; each recliner large enough to seat two. The color-scheme was of a soft cream and rich burgundy; including the burgundy curtain which covered the large screen above the small stage.

"Hey." Mark said as he turned to see Dee Dee taking a look around. "Come on in."

"Wow. This is stunning." Dee Dee smiled as she continued down the stairs. "I love it."

"Thanks." Mark was glad to see a smile on her face. "I've always wanted my own theater, so I had one built. It's great for family and friends."

Dee Dee walked up to the stage. "Do you act along with the movies?" She giggled.

"Well, I have to. It's expected of me." Mark joked. "Actually, it's more for the kids, my brother and sisters' kids that visit. They like to put on little shows, sing, dance, you know...show off for us. Sometimes we'll use it for an audition for a potential client, you know to give them the feel of being on stage and help to loosen them up when they sing."

Dee Dee sighed as she listened to her friend's explanation. "It must be really nice to have so many friends and family around you."

"It is. I'm really blessed." Mark confessed sincerely. "Maybe one day I'll have my own, you know?" He thought about what he'd said as soon as he'd said it. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."

"It's, okay." Dee Dee replied. "Please don't feel guilty for expressing that you want a family. I'm struggling, but I don't want you to walk on egg shells around me, okay? Please just be yourself."

Mark felt a little better after Dee Dee consoled him. "I will."

"Alright, then. How about we get some junk food and start a movie?"

"Sounds like a good idea." Mark and Dee Dee chose a comedy, went out to gather their snacks and returned to take their seats in the center of the back row, but not before collecting pillows and blankets to make themselves even more comfortable. Mark had pointed out the closet to Dee Dee on their way to the concession stand. He always kept a supply of those items stacked away for his guest.

Once settled in, nice and comfy in their seats, the two began the movie. It did Mark's heart good to actually hear laughter coming from Dee Dee. He told himself that he needed to try harder at making her laugh. She needed it, and so did he.

He wasn't the only one feeling this way.

Rick, still sitting beneath the pier, thought of how many times he and Dee Dee had come to the beach to console one another or to just have a free moment to relax and to laugh. He couldn't get the idea of her never laughing again, but he feared that even if she did, he may never be allowed to hear it.

(Continued...)


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Thank you all for being so patient in waiting _months_ for this chapter. There were things that couldn't be helped that kept me from writing, but I hope I'll be able to add more before much longer. This story needs an ending. It's getting too long. ;-)**

**I hope you enjoy it. Thanks again!**

(Chapter Sixteen)

As the movie came to an end, Dee Dee was more relaxed but wasn't quite ready for bed. She and Mark decided that one more comedy might do the trick, but by the halfway point, she had fallen asleep.

Mark was happy to see her sleeping peacefully and hated to wake her, but felt she may be more comfortable in bed. He called to her softly, but she didn't answer. He tried again and lightly shook her shoulder, but she only sighed and snuggled further under the blanket. He knew she needed the rest, didn't want to leave her alone in the theater, so he set both their recliners back even further to settle in for the night.

Before his own eyes grew heavy, he turned to watch her sleep, once again taking note at how beautiful and strong she was, though she had told him that she'd never felt so helpless in her entire life. He felt that for someone to survive her tragedy for this long, was doing a hell of a job at showing a great deal of strength.

Several hours later, Dee Dee awakened to find that she and Mark were still in the theater. Looking at the time, she couldn't believe how long they'd been there and that she's slept for so long. She was grateful that he didn't wake her and for not leaving her side. She watched as he slept and wondered how his ex-girlfriend could cheat on such a caring person. Of course she didn't know every single detail about Mark, but she truly felt that he was the genuine article, a man who would give his all to make sure those he loved were properly taken care of.

She was caught off guard when Mark's eyes fluttered open, but she didn't feel embarrassed. His eyes were not only beautiful with a slight hint of hazel, but warm and welcoming. She couldn't help but to take her time to look into them.

"Hi." Mark greeted softly as he stretched his arms over his head.

"Hi." Dee Dee replied. "How did you sleep?"

"Pretty well, actually. How about yourself? I tried to wake you, but you were really knocked out."

"I did pretty well, too. Thanks so much for letting me sleep and for staying with me." Dee Dee smiled. "I really appreciate it."

"No problem. You needed to rest."

The two put away their blankets and pillows and headed to their rooms to prepare for the day. Dee Dee finished her shower first and was making breakfast when Mark came into the kitchen.

It was such a beautiful morning, that they agreed to eat in the gazebo near the coy pond. They made small-talk during their meal, but after they finished, they found themselves to be even less chatty. Though they hadn't realized it, each had thoughts of asking the other about the ones they felt had hurt them the most. Dee Dee had wanted to find out more about how Mark was coping with the ending of his relationship, but she was fearful of prying too much and offending him. Mark wanted to ask Dee Dee if she'd had any thoughts of talking to Rick at any time, but he also shared the same fear, not to mention that of bringing her to tears with the reminders of the pain in how she felt Rick had betrayed her and caused her to lose her family.

He didn't know if he could bear being in Rick's shoes. He'd grown quite fond of Dee Dee and knew some of the reasons why Rick loved her so much. He felt that if he knew her the way Rick knew her and she lashed out at him in the same way, his heart would completely shatter.

"What are your plans for today?" Dee Dee interrupted Mark's thoughts.

"I have a potential client coming over in about an hour. He needs someone to write music for him."

"I hope it works out for you." Dee Dee smiled.

"Thanks. What about yourself?"

"I'm finally going for that swim. After that, I don't know."

"We can go out to dinner if you'd like." Mark suggested.

Dee Dee thought for a moment and realized that an evening out might be good for the both of them. "Sure. Sounds good."

An hour later, Mark opened the front door to greet his potential client, Byron Grant, a man of medium build, standing at about six feet tall with sandy-brown hair. From the moment he entered the house, Mark felt uneasy about him, but was courteous and welcomed him inside. After about forty-five minutes of going over some basic information, the two headed for the studio to try and sort through more ideas for the music. As time passed, Byron proved himself to be very ill-mannered which quickly aided Mark's decision to pass on working with him.

He was relieved to get a break when Byron excused himself to go to the bathroom. After a few minutes, Mark had a strong feeling that he'd taken a detour and foundDee Dee at the pool. He was right.

He found Byron at one of the sets of french doors watching Dee Dee as she stepped from the pool and smoothed her wet hair away from her face to take a sip of of iced tea.

Byron scanned every part of her body that wasn't hidden by the black one-piece swimsuit, which he found to be cut high and low enough in all the right places. "Is that your wife?"

"No." Mark answered.

"Oh, your girlfriend?"

"Why do you need to know who she is?"

"Just curious. Is there something going on between you two or is she a free woman?"

"It's none of your business what goes on between us." Mark's jaw tightened.

"So, she _does_ belong to you?"

"She isn't property, you know. She doesn't _belong_ to anyone."

"I'm just trying to pay you a compliment. Way to go, man." Byron exhaled sharply and folded his arms across his chest. Damn, she's hot...sexy as hell. If she's not wrapping her legs around you, then...I'll bet I can get them around me."

Mark grabbed Byron by the collar. "Get the hell out!" He had him scrambling to keep his feet on the ground as he quickly lead him to the front door.

"What's wrong with you, man?" Byron questioned stupidly.

"There's not a damned thing wrong with me, but there sure as hell something wrong with you!"

When they reached the door, Mark threw Byron against the wall and put his forearm across the man's throat to pin him. "It's bad enough that you disrespected me in my own home, but you went too far when it came to Dee Dee. Be thankful that you didn't have the chance to get near her. You need to understand that if I ever hear that you so much as thought about her, you'll wish you hadn't." The look in Mark's eyes and the tone of his voice proved that he meant business, and for the first time, Byron actually felt himself lose his nerve, even more when he remembered that Mark was an expert in the field of martial arts.

With his throat still constricted, he managed to reply. "Alright. I got it."

"Make sure that you remember it."

Once set free, Byron rushed out to his car, but remained trapped until the system to unlock the gate had been activated. For just a few seconds, Mark toyed with the man, making him sit and and catch glimpses of his cold stare as a reminder of his warning. When he could, Byron sped off in a hurry.

With his arms folded, Mark went into deep thought as he gazed out the window at nothing in particular. He had decided for himself a long time ago that Dee Dee was indeed sexy, beautiful and even...hot, but he'd never be as crass as Byron had been. As his father had taught him, he'd come to the defense of many women before, including his mother and sisters. Somehow, something felt differently for him while defending Dee Dee. It wasn't like when he'd done so for other female friends or women he'd been romantically involved with, including the woman he proposed to. So deep into his thoughts, he didn't hear Dee Dee call to him the first time.

"Mark, is something wrong?"

He turned to see her standing a few feet away with a red sarong around her waist. "Huh? No..I'm just thinking about something."

"Oh, okay. I was just wondering. When I came in, I asked if the meeting was over, but I guess you didn't hear me."

"No, I didn't." Mark smiled. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"Oh, and yes, the meeting is over."

"I see. I just came in to get my sunglasses, then I'm going back out for a little while. It's so nice out there." Dee Dee answered with a smile.

"Sounds good. In fact, I think I'll join you for a bit."

"Great." Dee Dee smiled again.

It was such a pleasure for Mark to see more and more smiles becoming a part of her recent expressions. He wanted to be a part of making many more of them appear and would try hard at doing so.

Dee Dee had made it back out by the pool before Mark had changed into his swim shorts. He'd moved so quietly, and with her sunglasses over her closed eyes, she didn't hear him take his place on the matching double canopy-covered chaise next to hers.

"Hey, wake up!" He exclaimed and then let out a chuckle.

"Oh!" Dee Dee's eyes flew open as she jumped. "You scared me!" She caught her breath and started to laugh. "Don't do that!" She hit him with a towel.

Once again, her smile and laughter warmed his heart and he contently placed his arms behind his head. "So, you're enjoying yourself out here?"

"Yes. It's very nice. How was your meeting?"

"Quick and a waste of time." Mark sat up. "The guy is a very rude and arrogant asshole. Wanna join me in the pool?"

Caught off-guard by his reply and the delivery of it, Dee Dee stifled a giggle. "Umm, sure."

Mark stood and stretched his arms before taking a dive into the pool. As he stretched, Dee Dee took note of his chiseled, muscular features from head to toe, that which wasn't hidden by his swim shorts. His naturally cocoa skin was smooth and taut, and his dark wavy hair, not too long or too short, but just long enough for a girl to run her fingers through, was the perfect compliment to the color of his skin.

"_Six feet and two inches in height and pure masculinity." -_ Dee Dee's thoughts were interrupted.

"Are you coming in?"

Dee Dee nodded and stood to remove her sarong. She dove in a few feet away from Mark and surfaced quickly. "I'm sorry your meeting didn't work out, but there will be others."

"Thanks, and you're right." Mark swam a in a circle around Dee Dee. "Where do you want to go for dinner later?"

Hmm." Dee Dee began with a mischievous smile. "What about skipping the restaurants and going to the amusement park across town? I want to let out some frustration by going on the rides, screaming my head off, and I want to eat a lot of junk food."

Mark's face lit up. "Are you serious? I would love to go to the amusement park. Let's do it."

The park was alive with laughter, screams of excitement, bright lights, the call of barkers urging the guys to try their skill at gaining a prize for their girls, the aroma of hotdogs, cotton candy, candied apples, funnel cake and more.

Rick had been told to meet an informant at the amusement park over an hour ago, but the guy hadn't shown up. It was time to give up on him, but instead of leaving the park right away, he decided to take in some of the sights. He caught the eye of many of the young women who took note of his toned biceps, visible by way of the short sleeves on his Polo shirt. The well-fitting jeans didn't cause them to look away in a hurry, either. He didn't exactly ignore his admirers or any of the other girls he thought to be attractive who hadn't noticed him, but none of them were able to fully distract him of Dee Dee as she was constantly on his mind. Recently, his thoughts of her were filled with increasing worry as he had no idea of how she was getting along and as it was, he was not allowed to contact her.

As he awaited his turn in line for a soft drink, to his surprise and after a double-take, he was sure that he'd seen her from the corner of his eye. He turned and stepped out line for a better look. Remaining out of her view, he did see for a fact that it was Dee Dee. She and Mark were walking a few yards ahead and melting into the crowd of other thrill-seekers. He fought hard not to follow them, but he lost the battle.

(Continued...)


	17. Chapter 17

(Chapter Seventeen)

With her hair in a ponytail and her only makeup being a soft shade of pink lipstick. She looked at least ten to fifteen years younger, but it was definitely Dee Dee.

Keeping out of sight, he watched as she and Mark stepped to the entrance of one of the rides. Once the ride started, Dee Dee's face lit up with smiles and laughter as speed and momentum pushed her against Mark.

Rick wanted her to be happy, but it hurt him that he wasn't the one to provide such joy. He was satisfied to see that she looked well, but knowing her as well as he did, he knew she was still suffering. Who wouldn't be? It was even tougher for him to know that she said she never wanted to see him again, but could it be possible that she may have a change of heart? Did he dare take the chance at finding out?

He stood by the gate as the two, still laughing, exited the ride. Unsure of what to say, he waited with baited breath for them reach him.

They made eye contact. Her smile disappeared. She stopped in her tracks.

"Dee Dee." Rick spoke her name.

Mark gently took her arm and moved her out of the path for the other patrons.

Without a word, Dee Dee turned and walked away as Rick and Mark spoke to one another.

Mark excused himself and caught up with her. "Are you okay?"

"Why did I have run into him?"

Before she got an answer, Rick was at her side. "Dee Dee, I'm not here to bother you. I just happened to be here to meet someone about a case."

"If you're not here to bother me, why are you talking to me? You didn't have to say one word to me." Dee Dee frowned and shook her head. "Don't you get it? I told you to leave me alone and I meant it."

Rick nodded. "Right, and I don't mean any harm. I'm just glad to see that you're out and about."

He may have been going against his better judgment, but he had to let her know how he felt. "I'm not giving up, Dee Dee. Someday you'll realize that I would never hurt you on purpose. You knew it before and you'll know it again."

Dee Dee took Mark by the hand. "We came here for a good time. Let's go."

Mark told Rick to take care and then walked away with Dee Dee.

Rick had seen Dee Dee take Mark's hand and though he appreciated that the man was looking after her, he was beginning to wonder even more if they'd grown closer than he'd like. Once again, he thought that if they had, maybe Alex was right when he said he'd never have Dee Dee, even if he died.

Dee Dee and Mark spent three hours at the park and enjoying ever moment of it, except for the moment spent with Rick. When they arrived home, Mark expected that she may want to discuss her feelings about seeing him, but she didn't bring him up.

The next few days were spent lounging around the pool, going for rides, out to dinner, watching movies and talking. During a late evening around the pool, Dee Dee gained her courage to ask Mark for more details about his ex-girlfriend who was nearly his fiancee.

"She used me. She wanted to become a singer and though I tried to help, apparently it wasn't enough. She's very talented, but it's not like I can force anyone to sign her, you know?"

Dee Dee nodded. "Yes, I know."

I do think she cared for me, but wasn't deeply in love with me. I mean, how could she have been, considering what she did?" Mark shook his head. "She and I have spoken once since you moved in."

Dee Dee was surprised to hear that. She assumed that he wouldn't have wasted time on her, but then she reminded herself that Mark is the type to try and put others before himself or to give them the benefit of the doubt. "What happened?"

"She explained why she cheated. It was for her career." Mark exhaled sharply. "This guy had major connections in the business and she met with him a few times without my knowing it. For a few weeks, it was business. She said she was afraid she had no other choice but to sleep with him because he held her chance of becoming a star in his hands." Mark shook his head again and chuckled. "I asked if he forced her to sleep with him, and she said he didn't. I told her then she obviously had another choice..._not_ sleeping with him. I told her she knew exactly what she was doing and probably would have done the same thing with the next guy with any connections. I hung up on her after that."

Dee Dee saw both sorrow and strength in his eyes. "I'm sorry that she did this to you, but I'm glad you're doing as well as you are. I hope this doesn't come out the wrong way, but if not for what she did, you wouldn't have taken time for yourself in London. You wouldn't have been there to help me."

"That didn't come out wrong at all. I believe I was supposed to be there, no matter what it took. I think we're supposed to help each other."

"I suppose you're right. You've said many times that I'm a strong person. I think you're strong and you need to say so about yourself."

"Thanks for saying that. It's been rough, but my family's been very supportive, and now...I have you." Mark smiled and took Dee Dee's hand in his. For a moment, he wondered if he'd made her feel uncomfortable by what he'd said and by taking her hand, but she smiled and interlocked her fingers with his, easing his mind. She always made him feel more at peace and he found himself becoming more attracted to her with each passing day. He had to remind himself that they're both still trying to heal and are very vulnerable.

Dee Dee felt a peacefulness come over her as Mark took her hand. Her emotions had been trying to shift into various directions at once after seeing Rick, but now...she knew that she had someone to truly depend on and that feeling grew stronger every minute.

The next morning, Mark and his contemporary jazz and R&B band had been asked to perform during a three-day concert event in London. It would take place in two weeks and he thought it was a great opportunity. He didn't feel as happy about leaving Dee Dee alone. It would be up to her as to whether she'd stay or join him. He only had to gather the courage to bring up the topic.

"This is great news. I'm so happy for you." Dee Dee hugged Mark after he gave her the news about the concert.

"Thank you. I just don't want to leave you and I don't know how to ask if you'd like to come with me."

Dee Dee smiled and stifled a giggle. "I think you just did ask me...sort of."

Mark laughed at himself. "I guess I did, didn't I? So, what would you like to do?"

"As much as I dread it, I do need to get back and check on some things." She replied quietly. "I need to see about the house, decide what I'll do about their...about their clothes and things, and..."

"If you're not ready, don't rush yourself." Mark saw the tears building in her eyes and interrupted before she upset herself even more. "Just know that I'll be with you if you want me."

"Thank you." Dee Dee wrapped her arms around his waist.

"Anytime." He pulled her closer. Having her in his arms was becoming a more frequent event and he couldn't deny that he welcomed it. Each time, they held each other a little longer and a little tighter. This time was no exception.

_(We barely know each other, but I feel like I've known her for years. I can't be falling for her. It's not right. It's too soon. Could she be falling for me? No, she can't. She's not ready.)_ Knowing that it was time for another distraction, he gently pulled himself away and took her by the hands and looked into her eyes. "I need to get some work done in the studio. Come hang out with me. Maybe you can help again." He smiled, remembering when she helped sort out a particular part in a song.

"I don't know about helping, but sure, I'll come."

Dee Dee made herself comfortable on the sofa, putting her feet up and taking the bottle of juice Mark handed her.

For the next hour, she enjoyed listening to him play his saxophone and the piano in order to try and get his song in order. When he started to sing while playing piano, she was pleasantly surprised at how great his voice sounded. She realized that the more she learned about him, the more she liked him. The closer she felt to him. The more she admired him.

He took a break relaxed on the sofa across the room from Dee Dee. He clicked the remote for the stereo system and _"Cruisin'"_ by Smokey Robinson began to play. It was a slow, sweet and romantic R&B tune that was one of his many favorites. He began to sing the lyrics softly. He quickly realized that he wasn't singing alone. Though she casually flipped through some of his old promotional brochures, Dee Dee was indeed singing along. Whether she realized it or not, he wasn't sure and wasn't about to do anything to stop her.

He knew she hadn't done any singing since she was at her baby's hospital bedside. He'll always remember that moment. It was sweet, loving, beautiful and heartbreaking. It was also one of the most touching moments he'd ever encountered.

During a a couple of conversations since she'd moved in, she would mention how she would sing around the house, especially to AJ. At times, the discussion seemed to make her happy. At other times, sad.

"That was beautiful." Mark complimented her after the song had ended.

"Oh...um...thanks." She answered shyly. "I love that song and I guess I couldn't help myself."

"I love it, too. I'm glad you couldn't help yourself. You have an amazing voice."

"Thank you. It's been a while since I've really done any singing...you know."

"Yes, I know. I hope you'll start to feel more like singing as time goes on."

"I do, too. It actually felt pretty good." Dee Dee allowed herself to smile just a bit.

Later that night, with her son's bear in her arms, Dee Dee lay awake in bed, thinking of Mark. She noticed that every minute she was around him, she felt so much weight off her shoulders. She could talk to him about anything and he understood. He never judged or made her feel like she should be anything less than herself. There was a list of amazing things about him. His generosity, sense of humor, talent, being an absolute gentleman, his sincerity...the list grew each day. His physical features were nothing to be ignored, either. He was tall, handsome, very-well toned and when she saw him for the first time in swim trunks, she was able to see for herself why his abs and arms felt so taut against her body when they hugged.

She also realized that his hugs were something she'd started to crave, lately. Though they were lasting longer, she wished they lasted even longer than they did. There was just so much to like about this man. Just a short time ago, he was a complete stranger who was there to take care of her from the moment of the accident. When they first met, she felt safe and as if she'd known him for years. Now, it's as if she's known him for a lifetime. _("He can't be anything more than a friend. I just buried my husband a few weeks ago. Why do I feel this way about Mark? It's not right. Does he have any feelings for me? After what his girlfriend did, he's not ready for a relationship. What am I saying? Neither of us are ready. Are we?")_

For a split second Rick Hunter crossed her mind and she felt her chest tighten in anger. She pulled the little teddy bear closer and closed her eyes and forced Rick out of her thoughts, focusing on Mark which helped her to fall into a peaceful sleep.


	18. Chapter 18

(Chapter Eighteen)

"Hi, sweetheart." Anna greeted her daughter with a hug. "Come on in." The phone calls were nice, but it was even nicer to see her in person. She'd worried so much about her for days after she moved in with Mark, but during their phone calls, Dee Dee tried to assure her that she was doing fine.

"I wanted to tell you that I'm going back to London for a few of weeks. Mark is going for a performance and I'll go along to try and take care of some of my own business."

"Alright. I can be ready at any time."

Dee Dee pursed her lips, knowing that this would not go over well. "I don't intend for this to come out the wrong way, but I don't need you to come right now. I'll probably spend the first week doing nothing but attending the performances and just hanging out with him. We'll have a bit of a vacation, I guess. You can come sometime later."

"Right." Anna raised her brow. "You'll have Mark."

Dee Dee sighed. _(Here we go.)_ "Why did you say it like that?"

"Like what? I'm just making note that Mark will be there for you."

Dee Dee shook her head. "No. There's more to it than that. At first, you were so happy that he was going to help me through this, but now..." She heaved a sighed. "I know what it is. You want me to talk to Rick. You think he should be the one helping me even though you know I want nothing to do with him."

"Maybe he could be of help in some way." Anna stated.

"Mark and I ran into him at the amusement park and he was of no help to me at all." Dee Dee crossed her arms as her emotions shifted. "He pissed me off. Is that what you want for me? You want me to stay angry all the time, never having a moment to laugh again? Thanks to Mark, I _have_ been laughing."

Only hearing what she wanted to, Anna expressed her thoughts."You were meant to see him. Don't you realize that? Maybe if you had been alone, without Mark, you could have had a nice talk and settled things. You could have given him a chance to explain."

Dee Dee's jaw dropped. "Oh, my God! You just don't get it, mom! You don't!" She grabbed her purse and stood, lowering her voice while catching her breath. "You can never see anything wrong in anything Rick does. You act as if he's your perfect son and I'm just the screwed up daughter who knows nothing of her own life. Unbelievable."

"Don't be like that."

"What...overly dramatic?"

I meant don't get so upset."

"Right. Sure. I'm living in hell, but I shouldn't be upset." With her eyes stinging, Dee Dee headed for the door. "I have to go."

Anna grabbed her hand and tried to turn her to face her. "I'm sorry. I really am. I do care a lot about Rick, but I love you." Dee Dee gazed at the floor as Anna continued. "You also know that I've always thought that you and he should have married, but Alex came into your life and you chose him. I was happy as long as you were happy. You're trying to cope, Mark may be there for you to talk to, to keep you from being alone, but he's not making you as happy as you could be with Rick who truly loves you."

Anna had created cause for eye contact.

"Rick truly loves me? How can you say that?" Dee Dee's eyes narrowed. "How do you know that Mark isn't making me happy? You have no idea of what goes on between us. _No_ idea."

Without a verbal response, Anna's facial expression spoke well enough.

"What's wrong, mom? Wondering just how serious things are with Mark...if we've grown to be more than friends?"

It was now Anna who avoided eye contact as Dee Dee continued. "What if we have? You said you want me to be happy." Dee Dee felt so threatened by the fact of no one trusting her to make her own decisions, she couldn't help but stir things up. "You'd prefer it be Rick. What about what I prefer? Mark makes me very happy. When I'm with him, I actually laugh. I feel safe. I don't cry myself to sleep every night. I feel that I can express myself without anyone judging me or telling me how I should feel. He's good to me and good _for_ me."

Anna cleared her throat and looked at her daughter. "You've known Rick for years. You two have been close since day one, so yes, I do think of him first when it comes to having a man that will make sure you're happy. I think Mark is a wonderful man. I really do, and I'm so grateful to him. If you had met him before you met Alex, you may have married him. He may have made an excellent son-in-law, too. I don't know much about him, but I can honestly say that I've grown very fond of him because he's such a good man."

"He's an amazing man." Dee Dee added.

"Yes, but I still don't really know him like I know Rick and like I knew Alex. Are you in love with him?"

"Why?"

"It's just so soon, and..."

"Once again you're not trusting me...not trusting my judgment. I haven't said one way or another that I'm in love with him, but if I am, it's my business."

Anna shook her head and sighed. "Fine. I'll drop it."

"No you won't. You'll bring it up again at some point." Dee Dee exhaled sharply. "I didn't come here to argue. I just wanted to let you know about London."

"Alright. Just let me know when you need me."

Dee Dee nodded. "Yeah...okay."

Anna cautiously pulled her into her arms. She remembered how they'd had their ups and downs over the years and how they'd gotten so much closer in recent years, especially when Dee Dee was pregnant, and even more after AJ was born.

She also had to remind herself that whatever Dee Dee may say, is quite possibly out of anger, fear and suffering.

Dee Dee slowly put her arms around her mother. "I have to go. I'll be in touch before we leave and once we get there."

"Okay." Anna sighed. "I love you."

Dee Dee turned toward the door, hesitating and knowing she'd regret not telling her mother she loved her as they both knew that no particular amount of time on earth is promised to anyone. "I love you, too."


	19. Chapter 19

(Chapter Nineteen)

"Hey, Hunter." Charlie dropped his quarters into one vending machine as Rick chose a soft drink from another. "Any recent word from Dee Dee?"

"Yeah. It didn't go well, though."

"What happened?"

Rick filled Charlie in on the details and his stomach churned as he recalled each of them. "She looked at me like I was less than nothing. She was disgusted and couldn't get away from me fast enough."

Charlie had never seen Rick so defeated. "I'm really sorry. There has to be some way of getting through to her. I called her a couple of days ago and she said she's doing well, but of course, I know she's still hurting. Who wouldn't be?"

"Right. That's why I wish I could help her."

"At some point, she's got to see the light. She'll come to realize what you two mean to each other."

Rick heaved a sigh. "We can only hope, but she seems to be getting pretty close to Mark. He's the one she's depending on, now."

"You think it's anything else...anything serious?"

Rick had to be honest with himself and Charlie. "I do have a fear that something's going on between them. If it is, she's moving too fast. I don't want her to be hurt anymore."

"He seems like a good guy, but do you think he'd take advantage of her vulnerability?"

Rick thought for a minute, wanting to keep his feelings intact. "I don't think he would, at least not intentionally. He's trying to get over his ex-fiancee and I'm sure he needs someone, too. What little I do know about him, I still don't think he'd do anything to hurt her on purpose. Still, no matter how it comes about, I just don't want her to suffer in any way. I've got to do something."

"Damn it!" Dee Dee cursed as she slammed the kitchen door.

"What's wrong?" Startled, Mark rushed out of the pantry.

Dee Dee jumped. "Oh. I didn't know you were in here. You scared me."

"_You_ scared _me_." Mark replied.

The two looked at each other in silence for a moment and started to laugh.

"I'm sorry." Dee Dee apologized. "I didn't mean to slam the door, either."

"It's okay." Mark assured her that it wasn't a big deal as he told her to have a seat. "Want to fill me in?"

"I had a hard time with my mom. She still doesn't get why I don't want to talk to Rick." Dee Dee would choose the details carefully, not revealing that she'd been a bit devilish in having Anna believe that there may be something between them. "I had planned to go visit the sites...you know...take some flowers for them, but she upset me so much that I couldn't go. Now I feel terrible for not taking flowers to my baby."

Mark realized that she only mentioned feeling terrible about not taking any flowers for the baby. No mention of feeling such a way about Alex. He wondered if she still holds him partly responsible or if it was nothing more than how she chose to phrase it.

"I'm sorry your day was so rough." He gently rubbed her back in the area between her shoulder blades. He couldn't imagine having a mother be one of the people who upset you the most, not to mention being of little support when you need her. "You know something?"

"What?"

"You need to relax."

"Yeah." Dee Dee expelled a ragged sigh. "Easier said than done."

"Give me a few minutes." Mark grabbed the phone and stepped out the room as Dee Dee watched with curiosity. When he was done, he returned to the kitchen, looking rather pleased with himself. "All set."

"Care to toss me a hint?"

"I suppose." Mark smiled. "For the rest of the day, we'll do nothing but relax. We'll swim, have our own spa treatment right here, poolside, have massages; and you'll have a manicure and pedicure...get your little fingernails and toenails polished. I'll skip the polish." He saw a smile come across Dee Dee's lips. "Plus, we'll have dinner prepared and served to us later in the evening in the main gazebo with a bit of soothing music for the soul."

"Really?" Dee Dee asked excitedly. "You'll do all that for me?"

"Yes, really. Why wouldn't I do all that for you? You deserve it."

Dee Dee stood and wrapped her arms around his waist, then stepped back and elevated herself on her toes and kissed his cheek as he bent down to meet her.

"Thank you so much. I can really use a treat like this." She smiled broadly and went off to prepare for the events.

On her way up, she took a moment to look at some of Mark's family photos on the wall. She had previously admired the images of Mark, his parents, brother and two sisters. She thought they were a very attractive family; his parents' racial makeup being of African-American, Cherokee Native-American and Irish-American. With one sister being married to an Italian man, and the other to a Samoan, she recalled laughing at Mark's joke of his family looking like a Benetton ad from the eighties, and how since she was Cherokee Native-American and Irish-American, she was already part of the group. She could only imagine what it would be like to be part of such a loving family; a family so close that they kept in touch daily, no one judging or criticizing and just being supportive and caring as they should. A few times, she thought of herself in a portrait as a part of the Atkins family at Mark's side. Little did she know, Mark had similar thoughts, and his family, though never meeting her and only seeing a photo by email, had heard so much about her that made them feel that she may be the one for Mark. Dee Dee had spoken briefly with Mark's mother when he asked her to answer the phone for him. The conversation was very pleasant for the both of them. Mrs. Atkins had offered her sympathy and support to Dee Dee and thanked her for being there for Mark as he also needed a friend to help him through his failed engagement. As her eyes wandered to the image of Mark's youngest nephew, she thought of her own baby and husband, knowing there would never be another family photo for the three of them. She began to feel guilty for even considering an idea of another family. (_"How can I even imagine being married to Mark, already?_ _I just lost my family._ _My God, am I losing my mind? There has to be something wrong with me. Why else would I have these thoughts?")_ Such confusion was starting to weigh her down. She quickly moved away from the photos and up to her room.

Mark stood motionless for a few moments, surprised and very pleased by the kiss he'd just gotten. The muscles in his face tightened as a smile grew on his face. _("It was just a thank-you kiss. Don't get excited. She's just very affectionate. There can't be anything serious.")_ He felt the tension in his face began to lessen as he knew it was best not to read too much into it. He turned and headed upstairs to change for the pool, trying to rid his mind of images of Dee Dee in her swimwear.

Dee Dee put her swimsuits on the bed. She looked at the one-pieces. She looked at the bikinis. She frowned in frustration. _("Why is it so hard to decide, now? Why can't I just grab one, put it on and go?")_ She had to admit to herself that she wasn't really deciding which suit she'd like, but which one Mark may like to see her in. She was feeling more and more comfortable with him and felt that they each knew that things were changing between them. Unsure of whether her feelings were a good thing or a bad thing, She let out a groan and fell backward onto the bed. With the window open, she clearly heard a splash from the pool. She pulled herself up and walked to the window. _("Look at him. He's so sweet. Extremely intelligent. Such a gentleman and so caring. So funny...handsome. His body is amazing.")_ She sighed with contentment, snapped out of her trance and quickly grabbed a suit to put on.

Mark dove back into the water just before Dee Dee stepped outside. She waited until he reached the surface and greeted him with a smile. "Hey." She titled her head to the side, allowing her hair to cascade softly over one shoulder.

Mark was quiet for a few seconds, taking in the beautiful sight before him. Dee Dee wore a white halter bikini, with gold metal accents along the slightly plunging neckline and at the sides of the hips on the bottoms. After finding his voice, he greeted her with a smile. "Hey, yourself. You look great."

"Thank you." Dee Dee smiled, feeling her little devil horns growing a bit as she knew she'd chosen well with this suit. "Will you put this sunscreen on my back?"

To himself, Mark yelled _"Hell, yes!"_ To Dee Dee, he nodded and replied more like a gentleman and met her at the chaise lounge.

"I don't want too much sun, though I can use a bit of a tan." She said.

Mark held up his arm in front of her. "I'm a bit pale, myself."

Dee Dee laughed and playfully hit him on the arm. "Shut up." She was momentarily distracted by the toned bicep before continuing. "Um...you do still have to be careful out here, though."

"True, and I do use sunblock."

"Good." Dee Dee smiled. "Would you untie the bottom bow of my top? I want to cover as much with the lotion as possible."

"Sure." Mark did as he was asked, waited until Dee Dee held the front of her halter securely against herself, and began applying the sunscreen over her back and shoulders, feeling her relax with his touch.

He had daydreams of what it would be like to put lotion on her when he'd see her lounging by the pool. He didn't have to wonder anymore, and found the experience to be better than he expected. "All done."

"Thanks." Dee Dee turned toward him. "Your turn." As she returned the favor by putting sunblock on him, she quickly found herself enjoying the feel of his toned, muscular back and sides. She reminded herself that she shouldn't let the physical attraction stir things up, but she knew it wasn't just that. Mark had so much more going for him and he'd been an absolute Godsend to her when she needed someone. Still, the physical attraction was hard to ignore.

After some time the pool, their masseuses had arrived. As they set up, the duo went into the dressing rooms of cabana to slip out of their suits and wrap towels around themselves for their massages.

Mark's personal chef and her assistants had arrived to start dinner in the outdoor kitchen. Lying on the tables in the shade of the large canopy by the pool, they both felt the tension melt from their bodies as the sounds of soft music and the aroma of great food offered even more relaxation. Now wearing comfortable lightweight robes, Dee Dee enjoyed her mani and pedi while Mark kept her company with jokes and laughter as he took advantage of a foot massage.

For dinner, Dee Dee chose a pale pink halter dress with a hemline just above the knee. Mark opted for a pair of black slacks and a soft gray linen shirt. Each were very-much impressed and expressed their compliments. With soft music wafting through the air from the outdoor stereo system, Mark couldn't resist asking her to dance.

"Would you like to dance?"

Dee Dee took his extended hand. "Yes."

Holding one another closely, their bodies synchronized in movement to the music, never breaking the closeness during the three songs playing back-to-back. It had been a little more than a month that they'd began sharing his home, but their connection made it feel as if it had been longer. The day they met, they became close. They actually had chemistry and though they hadn't admitted it aloud to one another, it had built up quicker between the two of them than it had with those they'd just recently lost.

When the third song ended, they sat in the softly lit gazebo. After a delicious meal, fine wine, great music and lots of laughter, Mark suggested they walk around the grounds. It wasn't until they started inside the house that they realized they were holding hands, and though they didn't say anything, each wondered just when their hands had become linked. They said their good-nights, but were slow to part ways. Mark took a chance and gently kissed his companion on the cheek. "You have a good night."

She lowered her head and then raised it with a smile. "You too. Thanks again for such a wonderful day." She let her hand slowly slip from his and headed upstairs.

The time had come for the trip to London.

Instead of leaving his car at the airport, Mark had a driver ready to take them to their destinations in his silver Rolls Royce. Their first stop would be the cemetery so Dee Dee could place flowers on her husband and child's graves.

He stood several feet back to give her some privacy, but close enough to keep an eye on her if she needed him. She looked at the dates on the headstones. It was surreal to see reminders of them dying on their birthdays. Though AJ wasn't taken off the machines until a couple of days later, he was already gone. He had actually died on his second birthday. Her heart began to crumble, trying to understand why the tragedy took place and on that particular date. A birthday is a time of celebrating life, but death will be forever connected to what was to be a joyous occasion for the Turnan family. Saying her goodbyes until next time, she wiped her tears and walked toward Mark who put his arm around her and escorted her to the car. They sat in the backseat and as she gazed out the window, she dabbed a few more tears. Mark reached over and took her left hand into his, placing a gentle kiss on the back of it and then letting both their hands rest upon the seat, his still cradling hers.

Dee Dee appreciated the gesture, but it wasn't enough. Her tears began to fall more rapidly.

Mark pushed the button for the privacy window to separate them from the driver, then moved to the middle of the seat and pulled Dee Dee close. She put her head on his shoulder and continued to cry. "I miss my baby. I can't believe he's gone. He and Alex are both gone. They're out there in that place. They shouldn't be there, Mark. They shouldn't be there."

(Continued...)


	20. Chapter 20

(Chapter Twenty)

A few days in Paris, touring the city, dining in fine restaurants and shopping with Mark was a great distraction for Dee Dee, but it was now time for her to gain her courage and see to business concerning her life in London. She had called Anna to let her know they'd returned and that she would soon try to get things in order. Anna made plans to arrive at her daughter's home within the week.

In the meantime, Dee Dee and Mark would remain at the hotel.

Sitting in the hotel's garden, the two discussed their time together in Paris. They were able to leave so many cares behind and simply enjoy the best of the city and each others company.

"I'm glad you enjoyed yourself." Mark smiled at his companion.

"It was wonderful." Dee Dee returned the gesture. "I felt a little less sad at times, you know?" She took Mark's hand in hers. "Thank you. You have no idea of how much you're helping me."

"You're most welcome."

"I just dread having to go back to the house. I hate to drag you along with me, but I do still need you." Dee Dee felt ashamed of herself, but she was being honest. That was a pact they'd made...to be honest.

"You know I don't mind, and you're not dragging me anyplace."

"Thanks. I guess my mom will be of help, but I hope she doesn't upset me. She'll most likely talk about Rick when she knows I don't want to. At least he hasn't been calling me." Dee Dee sighed at the thought, plus at her upcoming admittance to her curiosity. "I know I told you that I didn't want to know if he calls you to ask about me, but for some reason, I've been wanting to know. I feel angry when I think of it, so maybe if I know, I can get past it."

Mark nodded, knowing that she may be right. "Yes, he's called. He's called five times since you moved in, but he's never asked a lot of questions. He only wanted to know how you were. I' never went into any details and would tell him that you're okay."

"Thanks. I'm not surprised he called, of course." Dee Dee shook her head and exhaled sharply. "What's so hard for him to understand that I want nothing more to do with him?"

Mark wasn't sure of how Dee Dee would react, but since they were always open and honest with each other, he had to speak his mind. "It's hard to let go and not care at all when you love someone. It's even harder when you're _in_ love with them. He's still in love with you."

"Well, he needs to a way to get over me." Dee Dee huffed. "You don't hurt someone you love, the way he hurt me." She placed her hand on Mark's arm and looked into his eyes. "I could never hurt you and I know you could never hurt me."

"I know you couldn't, and I truly feel that. And you're right. I couldn't hurt you, either. Not for the world."

"Hello?"

"Hi, Anna. How are you?"

"I'm okay, Rick. How about you?"

"I've been better. I want Dee Dee to talk to me. I want us to be the way we used to be."

Anna twirled the phone cord around her finger. "I'd like that for the both of you, too. I just don't know how to make it happen."

"I have an idea, but it may pull us further apart. I just have to try it. I can't go on living like this, Anna. I'm miserable without her."

"I know. What's your idea?"

"I want to go to London, somehow get her alone and force her to listen to me. Maybe something will click and she'll understand that what she's feeling isn't normal."

Anna pursed her lips as she began to worry. "Yes, something like that may backfire. I guess there's not much else to be done, though. Something's go to give. I don't like that she may feel such hatred toward you for the rest of her life, and even more, I can't stand the idea of her possibly having a serious...mental issue." It broke Anna's heart to have such an idea, but she knew it was possible. Whether she believes the truth or not, she needs to hear it from you."

Rick sighed in relief. "Thank you for being supportive. I'm going to start making plans for the trip right away. When are you planning to go over?"

"I'm leaving on Monday."

"Okay. I may be able to make it around that time if I can get away from work, but I won't go directly to her house when I arrive. If you don't mind, I'll let you fill me in on how she's doing before I try to see her."

"That sounds fine. I'm glad you're not giving up on her. She really needs you, no matter how much she relies on Mark and feels that she may be in love with him. Even if they end up together, she needs to hear what you have to say."

As much as it hurt Rick to know that he could lose her to Mark forever, he did know that Anna had a point. "As I said before, she'll at least know that I fought for her whether she wants me to or not. I love her that much. I can't give up without her knowing that."

The next morning, Rick was tired from lack of sleep. He'd spend several hours wondering if he would be able to have any success with his plan, but there was no way that he wouldn't try. He knocked on Charlie's door.

"Hunter. What do you need?"

"A huge favor, Charlie." Rick took a seat and stifled a yawn. "I need time off from work. I want to go to London and see Dee Dee."

"She's agreed to see you?" Charlie asked with hope.

Rick shook his head. "No. I've just decided that whether she forgives me or not, I may be losing her forever to Mark, and I need to at least try to have her understand that I didn't hurt her on purpose...that I never could. She needs to know that she's not thinking clearly. I have to do something, Charlie. I can't stand knowing that she may hate me forever without realizing she's been wrong in how she's thinking."

"Yeah." Charlie agreed sympathetically. "I know it's been killing you, and I feel terrible for the both of you. You and she need some sort of closure, whether she comes back to you or not."

"With all of her suffering, I'm glad she has Mark, but I need her to know that I'm still here for her, too. I need her to know that...I love her." Rick leaned forward and clasped his hands together, slowly looking up at his boss and friend. "I'm in love with her, Charlie." He admitted. "If I have to let her go for good, I can't do it without telling her. I lost her to Alex twice because I didn't try hard enough. I can't lose her to Mark for the same reason."

Charlie nodded as he imagined himself in such a situation. "I'll see about getting you your leave right away. With your record, it shouldn't be a problem."

"Thanks a lot." Rick stood and shook hands with Charlie who patted him on the back.

"I hope it works out for you. I really do."

On Tuesday morning, Dee Dee and Mark met Anna at the airport. Though Dee Dee felt uneasy about seeing her mother, she met her with a warm embrace.

"How are you, sweetheart?" Anna asked softly.

"I'm okay, I guess." Dee Dee stepped back.

"Anna." Mark stepped up to shake her hand, but she put her arms around him and he complied. "It's good to see you."

"You, too."

After the greetings were finished, the trio gathered Anna's luggage and headed for the car. Mark tried to keep a decent conversation going with Anna as Dee Dee kept quiet during most of the ride. The tension between the two women was strong. Dee Dee was afraid that if she spoke too much, Anna would bring up a subject she wanted so desperately to avoid.

Anna would be staying at the same hotel as Mark and Dee Dee. Once they got her settled in her room, they discussed plans for the restaurant.

"Would you like to go and get something to eat now, or would you rather get some rest, first?" Dee Dee asked.

"I'm a bit hungry, but I can order room service."

Dee Dee felt guilt and aggravation building. "You don't have to eat alone. We want you to come with us the the restaurant. There's a great one right here in the hotel."

"Are you sure? I don't want to impose or be a bother."

Dee Dee cringed as her mother had begun to annoy her even more. "Mom, you're not imposing...you're not being a bother. We wouldn't have invited you if we felt that way."

"Okay, thank you. I'd like to freshen up before we go."

"That's fine. Just call when you're ready." Dee Dee gave her mother the number to their suite, then she and Mark left.

Mark offered a little praise as he and Dee Dee walked toward the elevator. "I think you did pretty well back there."

"Thanks. It was a bit, but I tried."

"It'll be okay. I have a feeling that everything will fall into place."

The dinner was quite pleasant as Dee Dee and Anna were able to talk without an argument. Dee Dee was even able to laugh a few times which brought joy to both Anna and Mark.

Two days had passed and Dee Dee had geared up enough courage to visit her home to try and get things in order. She, Mark and Anna would be getting an early start during the next morning.

"Welcome, Sir. How may I help you?"

"I have a room reserved. The name is Rick Hunter."


	21. Chapter 21

(Chapter Twenty-One)

Drained from his flight, Rick put his luggage in one corner of the room, then hurried to make a phone call.

"Hello?"

"Anna, it's Rick. I'm here."

"Good. I'm glad you got here safely."

"Thanks. How is Dee Dee?"

"She's okay, I guess. She's trying to be brave, but I know it's hard. She does seem to be doing better than she was a couple of months ago. I've actually seen her smile and heard a laugh a few times."

"That's great." Rick did want her to be happy, but wished he'd been the one to provide happiness for her.

"She still needs you, Rick." Anna replied. "She won't say it, but we all know it's true."

"Yeah...maybe." Rick's jaw tightened. "I guess I'll find out soon enough."

"We're going to the house today to sort through some of the things. I don't know how she'll cope once we get there." Anna sighed. "I wish so much that you could be there with us."

"So, do I. Mark will be there, won't he?"

"Yes, he will."

"That's good." As hard as it was for him to feel replaced, Rick knew that Dee Dee needed as much support that she could get.

"Yes, I'm glad he'll be there, too. She seems to feel secure with him."

"I know." Rick sighed.

"Rick, I didn't mean for it to sound as if..."

"No...no, it's okay. I want her to feel secure. I'd do anything to make sure she's not suffering. I just hope that my coming here to see her won't make it worse."

"I know. We'll just have to hope for the best. I'll call you when I get a chance to let you know how things are going."

"I'd appreciate it."

Riding along in Mark's rental car and looking out the window, Dee Dee saw many of the familiar things that reminded her that she was only minutes from her home, and she felt her heart flutter as the tension began to build. She tried to focus on the music playing softly on the stereo, and engage in small-talk with her companions, but the thoughts of how she may not fair well inside the house, had her attention.

When they pulled into the driveway, she sat quietly, only glancing at the house a few times.

"Take your time." Mark advised. "We'll go in when you're ready.

"I'm ready." Dee Dee replied, softly. "I can't sit here forever."

Mark got out and went to open the car doors for the ladies. He and Anna trailed behind Dee Dee as she slowly lead the way to the front door. Her nerves were starting to get the better of her and she accidentally dropped the keys.

"Let me." Mark picked them up and unlocked the door.

Dee Dee took a deep breath, turned the knob and stepped inside. With her mother and Mark right behind her, she stood only a few feet from the door and scanned the living room for a few moments.

The trio moved further into the room and Mark closed the door behind them as Anna opened the curtains.

The living room was neat and in order, just as they'd left it. Mrs. Leyland, their neighbor and AJ's part-time babysitter, had volunteered to dust and vacuum once or twice a week. Though Dee Dee didn't want her to put herself to the trouble, she was most grateful for her kindness.

She put her purse on the sofa and looked at the family portrait over the mantle. She nearly allowed herself to smile at seeing the images, but her eyes quickly began to burn with tears as she began to speak. "They're supposed to be here. That's my family, and they're gone. They're gone."

Anna put her arm around her daughter and guided her to the sofa. "It'll be really hard for a long time, but you'll make it through."

"Sometimes I wonder." Dee Dee sniffled as Mark handed her a tissue. "It still seems like it's all a horrible nightmare at times, but then something shakes me and brings me to reality. It's so hard to bear."

Mark sat on the arm of the sofa and stroked her back. "You can only do what you can for yourself, you know? Surviving such a tragedy isn't something that you can learn from anyone else. You may get a few helpful notes, but the healing is all on your terms."

Dee Dee nodded. "That makes sense, but sometimes I feel that people want me to react a certain way because of how they, or someone they know reacted, no matter the circumstances. It's hard to explain, you know?"

"I know what you're saying." Mark replied.

"Thanks. I'm glad someone does." Dee Dee sighed and rose to her feet. "I guess we should get started. We can go through Alex's things, first."

Mark went back to the car to gather the folded boxes they'd purchased to pack the items, then joined the ladies upstairs in the master bedroom. "Any particular place you'd like for me to start?" He asked.

"Umm..." Dee Dee hesitated. "Would you help me pull his suits and coats from the closet?"

"Sure."

"Mom, would you gather his things from the dresser?"

"Of course."

The group began carefully packing the items into the boxes to be donated to charity. Dee Dee had made a list of some of the items to be donated for an auction to raise money for a local children's hospital, such as his golf clubs, art pieces, watch collection and car.

Nearly three hours had passed, and it was hard for Dee Dee to stay focused on her chores as each item stirred up a memory, reminding her that those would be the only memories she'd ever have with her husband. She felt angry and disappointed about the situation and because of Alex leaving her in the way he did, but even more-so for being a part of her losing her baby. She didn't know if she could ever forgive him or Rick for destroying her life.

"I need a break." She stated quietly. "I've got a headache."

"Let's all take a break and have a bite to eat." Anna suggested. "You can take something for your headache, too."

Dee Dee followed her mother and Mark down to the living room. "I think I'd just rather go back to the hotel. I can't do anymore today." Glancing up at the photo of her baby was pushing her further into depression. "I just want to go. Maybe I'll come back tomorrow."

"That's fine." Anna replied. "We have plenty of time to get things in order."

"I agree." Mark added. "You just let us know when you're ready to come back."

Dee Dee nodded and wiped her tears. "There's just so much to do...to pack up. The dishes and cookware in the kitchen, Alex's office, my clothes, my art supplies, the furniture, my baby's...things. His clothes...toys...everything." She felt a chill come over her body. "I can't stay here. I have to go, now. Maybe I'll come back tomorrow, but I have to go, now."

"Hello?"

"Hi, Rick." Anna greeted.

"Hi. How did it go?" Rick settled on the bed in his hotel room.

"She did okay for a while. We got a few of Alex's things packed up in the bedroom, but after three hours, she was tired and had gotten a headache."

"I hope she feels better. Are you going back tomorrow?"

"I don't know if she is, but I think I might."

"I want to see her, Anna." Rick stated.

"I know you do, but we have to make sure to find a right time."

Rick sighed. "Do you think there's any such thing?"

"We can only hope and pray."

"I'll try to be patient, but I have to see her. I have to see her soon."

Dee Dee changed clothes, putting on shorts and a t-shirt and lay across the bed to try and get relief from her headache. A few moments later, Mark called to check on her.

"Are you feeling any better?" He asked.

"Not really."

Have you ordered room service, yet?"

"No." Dee Dee replied softly. "Maybe in a little while."

"How about now? You need to eat, and it'll probably help to ease your headache."

"Yeah, well..."

"Let me put it another way. I'm coming over and ordering for you, then I'll give you a neck massage. I told you I'd take care of you, and I meant it. I'll be there in a couple of minutes."

After Mark hung up, Dee Dee really wasn't surprised by his announcement. She'd come to learn that he was as stubborn as she was, and that he genuinely cared for her...maybe more than she cared for herself. Fifteen minutes later, he was at her door.

Mark went directly to the phone and ordered sandwiches and salads for the both of them, then asked Dee Dee to sit in the center of the bed while he sat behind her. He began to massage her temples, and then her neck and shoulders. When the food arrived, they began a fairly serious conversation as they ate.

"Dee Dee?"

"Hmm?"

"You've been having a lot of headaches, lately. Do you think it's just tension, or could it be something more serious?" Mark was truly concerned.

"Don't worry." Dee Dee replied. "When I get overly tired or stressed, I get bad headaches. If you've noticed, I didn't have any while at your house, while spending time with your friends or while we were in Paris." She sighed. "It's just been during the past couple of days leading up to today. I knew I'd have to go back to the house. It was just too much, plus I know I'll have to go again."

"If you're sure."

"I'm sure. Don't worry."

Taking her finished plate away, Mark asked Dee Dee if she'd like him to continue the massage. She did.

As the minutes passed, she felt more and more tension leaving her body and thoughts of what she intended to talk to Mark about began to appear.

"Mark?"

"Yeah?"

"Remember that we said we'd talk about how we feel about each other?"

"Yes, I remember." Mark's hands slipped from Dee Dee's shoulders as she turned to face him.

"I think I'm ready to talk."

Mark was silent for a moment. "Are you sure?"

Dee Dee nodded. "Yes."

She lay down on the bed and propped herself up on her side to face Mark. They stared at each other for a moment, making sure that each would feel comfortable lying next to one another. Mark lay beside her, propping himself up in the same way that Dee Dee had done.

"Where do we start?" Mark asked.

Dee Dee pursed her lips before replying. "I guess with some pretty blunt questions that I have."

"Whatever you want."

"How do you feel about me? Are you glad that we met? Do you think about me when you're not near me?"

Mark was only partly surprised by the questions. Though they've known each other for only a short time, he'd been able to pick up on some of her feelings before she expressed them in any way. Besides, he'd been keeping similar thoughts to himself and wondered assumed that Dee Dee may have at least one of her own.

"I love you, Dee Dee. I've loved you as a friend, instantly, but lately, I feel that I'm falling in love with you." Mark replied fearlessly. "I think you may have known that, already, but I've wanted to tell you when we both thought you were ready to hear it. I'm very glad that we met. My life has taken a turn for the better because of you, and I'm glad I've been able to help you along as you heal. When I'm not near you, I think of you all the time. I find myself losing focus on other things like my work, but I don't mind. I don't mind it at all."

Mark was right. Dee Dee had already felt that he was falling in love with her, but the confirmation was something that she did appreciate. "Thank you for answering so honestly. I shouldn't have expected anything but honesty from you."

"You're welcome." Mark took her hand in his. "What are your feelings toward me?"

Dee Dee stared intently at Mark. "I love you, Mark. I love you as a dear friend, and to be honest, I feel that I'm falling in love with you, too. I think about you all the time, I feel safe with you, I find myself laughing and smiling when I'm with you, and I feel that you understand and care for me more than anyone else does. That includes my own mother."

Mark felt sympathetic. Each time he heard of Dee Dee being hurt by her mother, it tugged at his heart because he still couldn't imagine not being close with his mother. "I'm not sure of the reason why this is happening to us...why it's happening so fast, I mean."

"_It's scary, isn't it?"_ The two replied in unison, both with a slight smile on their faces.

It was one more moment of them being in sync, once again proving that such things only happen to people who are genuinely connected.

Dee Dee sighed and gripped Mark's hand a little tighter. "I don't know if I'd be alive today if not for you. You saved my life."

"I thank God that I was there for you. I hurts me to think that you may not have survived the suffering."

"I know it's really soon after losing Alex, but I can't help how I feel when I'm with you. I don't know when I've ever felt so secure. You've always been nothing but an absolute gentleman...never trying to take advantage of me, and you've never even tried to kiss me on the lips before." Dee Dee smiled at the thought. "I like that about you, but I've wondered what it would be like to kiss you."

Mark smiled in return. "I have to admit that I've wanted to, but only when I felt that you were ready. I don't have any reason to rush you or myself when I know it's something that we can control. Falling in love...not so easy to control, but taking our time to be sure of certain things...we can control."

"I fully agree. You're always giving me more and more reasons to realize just how amazing you are."

"Same here." Mark replied. "I've never met anyone like you, and I doubt that I ever will. You're extremely unique in so many amazing ways. Let me ask you...where do we go from here? I think you still need time to build yourself back up from your loss. It's only been a very short time. If we're meant to be together, then no amount of time that passes will make any difference...several months, a year,...whatever, it'll happen when and if it's suppose to."

Dee Dee hesitated for a moment. "I think you're right. I know that I have some more soul-searching to do, and I need to find more peace. I don't want to do anything to cause us to drift apart before we've established a more serious relationship."

"Good. We've both been through some harsh moments in our lives, and we just need to be sure about everything."

"We'll continue to help each other."

"Yes, we will." Mark had more questions and would tread carefully as it was a subject that would most likely cause Dee Dee to be uncomfortable or possibly angry. "We need to get something else situated. It really has a huge impact on how we can, or _if_ we can move forward at any time in the future."

Dee Dee noted the seriousness of his tone and facial expression. She slowly sat up and rest her back against the headboard. "What is it?"

Mark sat up, too. "Your feelings toward Rick."

Dee Dee glanced across the room for a second, keeping her emotions intact. "What do you mean? You know how I feel about him."

"I know how you feel about him, _now_. I don't know how you'll feel about him if you two had the chance to sort things out."

"There's nothing to sort out." Dee Dee sighed. "I don't want anything to do with him after what he did to me."

Mark knew that Dee Dee needed to talk to Rick. As much as he loved her, he knew that there was some unfinished business between the two, and if it could be resolved, it may boost her healing process. He knew that her grief had to be a guide for how she turned against Rick. With what he knew about their relationship, there was no way that in her best state of mind, she's be able to completely throw him away, and with such hatred. He knew that Rick genuinely cared for...even loved Dee Dee. He'd thought about it for weeks, knowing that if they worked things out, he could lose her, but he cared that much for her. He'd rather she be happy in any way possible, even if it mean losing her to Rick.

"Do you still trust me, Dee Dee?"

"Yes." Dee Dee answered without a second thought. She couldn't explain it, but there was something about Mark that made her want to listen to him...to understand him...to learn from him.

"Then do this for us. When you have the opportunity, talk to Rick. Don't ask me why, but I feel that you need to do this. If it's nothing more but to tell him that we're working on a relationship. Maybe he'll leave you alone, then."

Dee Dee thought for a moment, hating the idea of talking to Rick, but felt that maybe Mark was right. Maybe he'd leave her alone if he knew she was involved with Mark. "Alright. If I ever see him again, I'll tell him."

"Fair enough." Mark kissed her temple and her cheek. He didn't know how his plan would play out, but he was willing to go ahead with it. He was willing to do whatever it took to help her find peace.

(Continued...)


	22. Chapter 22

(Chapter Twenty-two)

"I'm going to let you get some rest." He stood from the bed and walked to the door. "Are we going back, tomorrow?" He looked back.

Dee Dee shrugged as she got up to go to him. "I don't know. I'll decide in the morning."

"Alright. Have a good night."

Dee Dee stood on her toes and wrapped her arms around his neck. As he bent down, she kissed his cheek. "You, too."

The early part of the night proved to be a restless one as Dee Dee tried to fall asleep. She was focused on the discussion she had with Mark. She did trust him and felt that he did want what was best for her, but talking to Rick still didn't make the list of her top ten things to do. _(Why does he want me to talk to Rick so badly? Doesn't he know that I'm happy with him...that I'm done with him? Maybe he's right. Maybe if Rick knows that I'm serious about having him out of my life, then talking to him may be worth a shot.)_

By 8am, Dee Dee had decided that she would go back to the house, so she called Mark and Anna, they met for breakfast and then headed out. Picking up where they left off in the master bedroom, Mark and Anna packed, while Dee Dee sat on the bed and watched. She was quiet for the most part, occasionally telling them what to do with certain items. She had tried to sort through some of the items, but felt herself feeling more and more angry at Alex for being one of those responsible for taking her baby away from her. She had taken a look at their wedding photo on the dresser, felt her heart drop, then put the picture back, but face-down. She moved to the bed and tried to focus on preparing to enter her baby's bedroom. The thought of having to give his things away shook her to the core.

The ringing of the doorbell was a welcomed distraction. "I'll get it." She excused herself and went downstairs.

"Hello, Dee Dee."

"You've got to be kidding me." Dee Dee scolded herself for not looking through the peephole before opening the door.

"How are..." Recalling past reactions he received from asking how she was, Rick opted to end the question. "Dee Dee, I want...I _need_ to talk to you."

"No. I told you that I'm done with you."

Dee Dee pushed the door to close it, but Rick put his hand up and stopped it.

"Wait...please."

"You're going to force your way in?!" Dee Dee raised her voice. "I want you to leave! Now!"

Mark and Anna heard the commotion and rushed downstairs.

"Rick?" Mark questioned as he saw who was at the door.

"Mark. Anna." Rick greeted quietly.

Dee Dee looked at Mark, then quickly turned her attention to her mother. "You told him I was here, didn't you?" She stepped away from the door. "You did, didn't you?"

Anna nodded. "Yes, I told him."

"Why?! Why do you keep trying to bring him back into my life?!" Dee Dee questioned her mother. "Can't you understand what he did to me?! What is it going to take for you and for him to get it through your heads?!"

Rick eased into the living room. "Dee Dee, don't be angry at Anna."

Dee Dee spun around to see Rick. "I told you to leave! Get out or I'll call the police!"

Rick stood firm. "If you really wanted to call them, you'd have done it by now."

Mark sat on the sofa and silently agreed that Rick did have a point. He took Dee Dee not calling them as a sign that she may not hate Rick as much as she says.

Dee Dee sat beside Mark. "Rick, you have no idea of what I want, but maybe it's time you learned." She looked at her mother and then back at Rick. "The both of you...sit down." She ordered.

The two sat down, each in a chair opposite the sofa as Dee Dee continued.

"You two want to know every detail of my life and you want try and run it for me, but you're about to learn that it'll never happen." Dee Dee turned to Anna. "Why did you tell him I was here?"

Anna hesitated, but answered just before her daughter could question her again. "I still think that you two need to talk. The way things were left..."

"What about what I think?" Dee Dee asked. "You two just took it upon yourselves to take charge, didn't you?"

"Dee Dee..." Rick began. "I don't want to hurt you, but I need you to understand that I never did anything in the past to intentionally hurt you, either. We need to get things straightened out and then we can both move forward."

"Yeah. Maybe we should do just that."

"I'd like to begin." Rick stated.

"Why not. You and my mom seem to think you're in charge of everything, anyway."

Rick heaved a sigh and prepared himself to speak. "It seems that we've had a terrible misunderstanding, and I'd like to try and clear it up. When you thought I didn't want you to stay with me...when you came back and were pregnant with AJ, you were completely wrong about thinking that, but it's my fault for not coming right out and telling you to stay with me...to forget Alex and become my wife and allow me to become the baby's step-father."

Dee Dee showed no emotion as she held her gaze on Rick while he continued.

"I wanted you to decide for yourself on what you really wanted because you were still married, and as I understood, you at least wanted to talk to Alex about how you two would go about getting a divorce. You needed some time with him to sort things out, whether you'd come back to me or not. I swear to you, Dee Dee, I wanted to beg you not to leave me, but I was afraid of making a decision for you that you should make for yourself."

Dee Dee shook her head. "No. You knew from the start that I didn't want to be with Alex. The night we went to dinner and to the beach, I told you that I had married the wrong man, that I was in love with you, and that I wanted to be with you."

"Yes, but when Alex came to your mother's house to talk to you, you said that maybe you owed it to him to see if he'd keep his word about giving counseling a try."

"No. That's not how it was." Dee Dee heaved a sigh of aggravation. "You didn't let me finish what I was saying at that time. I said I wanted to keep my vows in tact, that I felt Alex may have meant what he'd said. Then I hesitated to prepare to say that I could be wrong...that he could have been setting me up...that nothing would have changed. Before I could say it, you cut me off and told me that you knew I'd give him the chance to prove himself because that's the kind of person I am."

Rick thought of that very conversation and recalled that it was pretty much as she was telling him. "Dee Dee, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to cut you off like that. I guess...I guess I did think I feel that I knew what you'd say. I'm sorry." Rick lowered his head. "I truly didn't mean any harm."

Dee Dee replied. "At the time, it all hit me like a bolt of lightning. I thought of how Alex and I had talked of separating before I was pregnant, then again after, just before I returned to LA. In all the time that we talked of separating or getting counseling, I never grew as close to him as I wanted. I wasn't meant to. When those thoughts flashed through my mind, I knew right then that I wanted to divorce him, stay with you and raise AJ with you. My mind was made up, even though I knew Alex would fight me for the baby in court. I knew you'd be there to help me win against him. I was just that in love with you and I trusted you."

"Dee Dee?" Anna began. "It was all a misunderstanding between you and Rick. Can't you forgive him for that?"

"No." Dee Dee answered sternly. "If he'd have given me a chance, I'd have stayed with him and I would have my baby with me. How can he take my confession of saying I married the wrong man as my truly being happy with Alex? I told him how Alex neglected me and how I felt he'd do the same to the baby. He seemed to feel that I needed to be away from Alex for good, too, but he didn't do anything about it after knowing how I felt. So, no...I can't forgive him. I felt thrown away by him, I went back to Alex because I didn't know what else to do. I was so upset that when I did get back to Alex, I got scared again and at the thought of losing custody of my baby, so I gave up and tried to make the marriage work. Even before AJ was born, Alex threatened to take him if I ever left him, so...I stayed with him and this resulted in my baby being gone...taken from me forever."

Anna sighed in distress. "Sweetheart, I'm so sorry that you've suffered so much. Seeing as how you and Rick have been so close for so many years, I was hoping that you two could talk and that he could help you get through your pain."

"I guess you thought wrong, mom."

Rick was speechless for quite some time as he searched for the correct words to express himself. "Dee Dee, all I can say is that I love you and I'm sorry that I screwed up. Yes, AJ would still be here if we'd have stayed together, but I never, ever wanted anything so horrible to happen to your and your family, no matter what happened between us. I still want to be a part of you life."

Dee Dee linked her arm around Mark's. "I'm doing just fine without you, in case you haven't notice. I have Mark who loves me, and I love him. I know that you and my mom think I'm rushing into a relationship with him, but I'm not. It's all happening just as it should, and there's no pressure from either of us to be together. Mark listens to me, unlike you and my mom. I need someone who knows me well enough to know how to let me be me."

Rick made eye contact with Mark and felt somewhat ashamed of himself for being the one who caused her pain, and knowing that a stranger was able to take his place so easily. "Dee Dee, if you could just please give me a chance to let you know that I only want what's best for you, I'd like to do that."

"No." Dee Dee answered simply.

"So, this is it...the end of what we've shared for over ten years?"

"Yes."

"Okay, maybe that's how you feel, now." Rick's tone changed as he grew angry. "At some point, something's going to make you realize that we've both made a mistake and if we try, we can get through it together. I hope you'll also find the peace of mind you need to get through your tragedy and that you'll realize that I have nothing but love for you. There's something going on with you, Dee Dee. Something's not right and I think you need to talk to someone other than Mark; someone in the professional field."

Dee Dee stood. "You think I'm crazy? You think I have a mental issue?"

"I won't say that you're crazy, but I do feel that there's a psychological issue, Dee Dee. I really do. With all you've been through..."

"I want you to leave, now. Just go and leave me alone, Rick. Please, just leave me alone."

"I'm not giving up on you. I don't care what you say or do, you can't make me give up on you. You need me to help you. You need to remember the good times between us, Dee Dee. You need to remember that you and I were happy and that we would die for one another. You can't throw something like that away. You just can't, and I'll see to it that you don't. I swear it."

Before Dee Dee could reply, Rick rushed out the door, leaving Anna and Mark wondering what was going through Dee Dee's mind as she stood silently in the center of the room, staring at the front door.

(Continued...)


	23. Chapter 23

**Hello, readers. I apologize for taking forever and a day, but I've been very, very busy. I managed to get this quick chapter up, and I hope that you find it to be at least halfway decent. Thanks for sticking around and not giving up on me. :)**

* * *

**(Chapter Twenty-Three)**

Though Anna and Mark kept their focus on Dee Dee, they didn't move or make a sound as she slowly turned to face them.

"Is this what you wanted for me, mom?" Her eyes glistened with tears. "You wanted him to come here and make me feel _worse_? Congratulations. You succeeded." With her heart pounding at an increasing rate, she quietly moved up the stairs.

"I was only trying to help her." Anna sat on the sofa and looked to Mark for support. "You believe that, don't you?"

"Yes, I do." Mark sat beside her. "But Anna, you have to realize that you can't make these decisions for her, especially when you know she doesn't want anything to do with Rick. She has to get through this in time."

"But she's _not_ getting through it." Anna replied with frustration. "I have a friend who's a therapist, and I'm sure she can help."

Though he didn't need to be, he was once again reminded of how Anna couldn't deal with not trying to be in control of her daughter's life. If he would keep his promise to Dee Dee in trying to help her, he had to be firm with Anna. "Listen. She's made some progress, and we all know that she's still suffering and will continue to do so for quite some time, and neither of us can know how she truly feels. Yes, she may tell us that she's depressed or angry or hurt, but that doesn't give us any true meaning as to how it feels to be her; how it feels to have seen your husband and baby being wheeled on gurneys from the scene of such a horrific accident. I was there when she saw Alex's body bag. I was there when she saw AJ unconscious and being put into the ambulance." The flashbacks of that night came to Mark every day; always reminding him that no matter how painful it was to be a witness, he still couldn't fathom what it's like to live it as Dee Dee. "I was there when the doctor told her that her baby would never wake up. In seeing all of that and more, I still have no idea of how she feels and I can't and won't pretend that I do or that I have all the answers to put an end to her pain."

Anna was silent for a moment as she tried to fabricate the moments of that night as her own. She couldn't stand the idea of seeing her own husband and child the way that Dee Dee had seen Alex and AJ. It was too painful, so she chose to ignore the imagined scenes as she'd done since learning of what had happened; still unable to accept that what she may feel is helping her daughter, may actually be hurting her. "I'm not trying to pretend that I know how she feels. Maybe if she talked to me, I'd know more about how she feels. She and Rick were so close, that I think he can get through to her better than anyone. She just won't cooperate. She's being stubborn as always, and I can't stand it."

Mark silently noted that Anna didn't have any room to talk about someone being stubborn. She'd given evidence of that far too often. "Anna, whether she's truly done with him or not, we have to let her get through it in the way she wants to. Maybe she does still love him, but just can't deal with it, now. If she needs our help in the process, then we can give it. Otherwise, it's not up to us to force her to reconcile with him. If he can really save her, I'd like for him to do it, even if I lose her, but I can't force her into allowing him to do so. We have to be patient." He gave Anna's hand a gentle squeeze before getting up to look for Dee Dee upstairs.

He was right to expect to find her in AJ's room. He stood quietly against the door jamb, watching as she lay silently on her side; her small frame curled snuggly on her baby's bed as held his blanket to her chest. Fearing that she may regress from what little progress she'd made, he wanted to try and find a way to ease the most recent addition of torture. He tapped lightly on the door. "Dee Dee? Do you want some company or would you rather I leave you alone?"

She didn't answer verbally, but extended her hand for him to come close enough to take it into his own. He gently allowed her arm to drape over the side of the bed as he caressed the back of her hand with his thumb.

Pulling the blanket a bit higher, she closed her eyes as her tears trailed from her eyes.

Resting his head against the side of the bed, he closed his eyes as he willed his tears not to escape.

After a half hour, Anna went up to look for Mark and Dee Dee. The gentle scene before her made her realize that Dee Dee did trust him and that he truly cared for her. Maybe they were really in love, but she still couldn't shake how quickly it all came to be, especially knowing her daughter's emotional state.

Mark felt her presence at the door and opened his eyes.

"I'm taking a taxi back to the hotel." She told him. "I'll see you two later."

"Would you like for me to drive you?" Mark asked as he started to stand. Dee Dee's hand gripped his as if she were saying - _"Don't leave me."_ Her eyes were still closed, but he knew.

"No, it's okay." Anna answered. "Stay with her. She needs you."

Lying on his back in the center of the bed, Rick fought to keep his emotions under control. He'd never felt so disappointed in Dee Dee and it tore at his heart to feel such a way about her. He didn't know whether to stay and continue to try to get through to her, or to return to LA and take on the tasks of his part-time instructor's job at the training academy. - _-"I could go home and try to talk to her when she comes back. I could stay here and try. I could talk to Mark; maybe he can help me. Why does she trust him so much? How much does he truly care about her? Are they sleeping together? How can they be in love so quickly? Is she having a mental breakdown? What's wrong with her? What the hell is wrong with her?!"_

An hour later, he hadn't moved from his position and was slightly startled by the ringing of his phone. "Hello?" He quickly sat up and answered, hoping to hear Dee Dee's voice, even if it held an angry tone.

"Rick, it's Anna. I just got back from the house."

"How is she?"

"Not good. I came back alone, leaving her with Mark. She was curled up on AJ's bed while Mark sat on the floor beside the bed. She had her eyes closed, but she was crying, he was holding her hand, and when I said I was leaving, she didn't even open her eyes to acknowledge me. I know she was glad I was leaving. I think she hates me."

It took a lot of restraint for Rick not to reply with – _"Join the club". _I wouldn't go as far saying that. She's just angry."

"I don't know." Anna curled the phone cord around her fingers. "I've said and done some pretty hurtful things to her in the past, and with this; my idea of you and I ganging up on her, was probably too much."

"Rick heard the lack of strength in Anna's voice. "Are you giving up?"

"I think maybe I should. I love my daughter, but we've never been extremely close and I don't think we ever will be. When she was pregnant with AJ, we got closer, but we weren't as close as we could have been. She and I are just so different."

"I understand that, but you shouldn't give up on her."

"I'm not really giving up on _her_; just the _situation_, if that makes sense. She has Mark. She doesn't need me."

Though Rick felt the same about not being needed, he wasn't ready to be as defeated as Anna was. He couldn't let Alex's statement about his not having Dee Dee, whether he was dead or alive, come true. Alex was dead, but he was very much alive and willing to fight for her. He was willing to help her fight for herself. "I'll figure something out. I'll get her to come back to us."

* * *

(Continued...)


	24. Chapter 24

(Chapter Twenty-Four)

"Mark?"

"Hm?" He replied, continuing to stroke Dee Dee's hand.

"Why does my mom have to be so cruel to me? She's never understood my choices in life; my career, my marriage to Steve; granted, I was young; quite a bit younger than he was, but we were truly in love. I just don't understand how the things I've done can be so horrible in her eyes."

"Maybe it's because she sees a lot of strength in you that she wishes she had within herself. She may not have felt brave enough to take on the things she could have had, and she takes it out on you."

"I suppose it's possible, but it isn't fair."

"No, it isn't."

"Remember that I told you how she'd gotten pregnant with me before she and my dad were married?"

"Yeah."

"I often think that has a lot to do with how she feels about me; she thinks I screwed up the plans she had for her life. It's not my fault because I sure as hell didn't plan my own conception."

Mark chuckled. "Though you _are_ remarkably talented, I don't think you could pull that off, either. Obviously I don't know Anna as well as you do, but you may be right. She's not the first mother to feel that way, and sadly, she won't be the last. If this is how she truly feels, I can't stand knowing that the anger from her own choices is directed toward you and that she criticizes you so harshly for those that you make."

"Thanks." Dee Dee answered with a sigh as she made herself comfortable on the floor beside Mark. "It's really hard to take, but I guess that's just how it'll be with us. Some people think that if you grow up with a lot of money, you have an easy life; that you have it made in every way. It's impossible for money to love and support you the way any good parent should. I know that for a fact." She expelled a sigh of frustration as she let her head rest against the side of the bed like Mark. "You know, I never liked being an only child and I always envied my cousins and friends who have siblings. They always had someone to talk to, even if they did argue on occasion. That's all a part of it, and I wouldn't have minded it. I used to ask my parents why I was an only child, and they'd say 'You were enough to handle', and that hurt my feelings as I got older. When my dad would say it, he'd at least attempt to say it in a joking manner. My mom would always say it with a tone in her voice that told me that she meant it, and that it's because of something I've done. Sometimes she'd try to laugh it off and say that she was kidding, but it wasn't funny to me. I asked if they could have more children and chose not to, and they said 'yes'…that more children would take up more time from their already very busy lives. I've always thought that was _very_ selfish of them, considering they really didn't raise me. Surely they could have handled pushing two or three kids toward the nanny and babysitters just as they did with one." She scoffed. "At least I wouldn't have been so lonely while they were away so much."

"I'm so sorry that it's been that way for you."

"Thanks. You know, I never wanted just one child. There's just something about knowing that your child will be alone to suffer through life's issues that truly bothers me. It's not just for the child, at least in my mind. I've always loved the idea of having at least two children. It was just the 'mom' feeling in me, I guess. I wanted AJ to have a sibling, whether biological or adopted. I wanted him to have a special connection with someone other than his parents, plus I think every child needs more than their parents to confide in when it comes to certain issues." Dee Dee forced the words past the lump in her throat. "I hated the idea of him losing his parents and being alone. I never would have dreamed things would turn out this way."

"I can understand what you mean about siblings. I can't imagine not having mine, and I wouldn't want to have just one child, either and I hope I'd be blessed with at least two. I've heard people say that they don't think they can love more than one child. I don't think I'll ever understand that. It's like they've already chosen a favorite child when they only have one or even before they have the one; as if there's no doubt in their mind that if a second child came along, they'd put it aside because they already have a child they love. I guess a second child of an unplanned pregnancy would be left out in the cold." Mark shook his head. "I just couldn't do it."

Dee Dee shook her head. "I don't get that, either. To each his own, I guess, but it's never been me. You were lucky to grow up with loving siblings and great parents who could handle wealth _and_ loving their children."

"Yes, I really was. But you know, even if you and your mom are never any closer than you are now, you can take comfort in knowing that you didn't give in to all of her wishes or you wouldn't be the person you are today. Yes, you're having a very hard time, but you're still fighting. I don't know if you'd be strong enough to fight if your mom had control of your life."

"Thank you. I think you're absolutely right, too." Dee Dee felt more tension easing from her body. "You know, I love talking with you. You're always so honest, but never critical or condescending."

"I'm glad. I think it's best to be honest, but I always try to be careful of how I approach someone with that honesty as not everyone wants it. I learned right away that you wanted nothing less than for me to be straight-forward with you."

"I've always appreciated that, like I know you appreciate when I'm the same with you."

"Absolutely." Mark kissed her temple. "Do you think you'd like to get more work done today, or do you want try at another time?"

"It seems that if certain people would stop interrupting us, we'd get something done, but they can't stop themselves." She replied. "How about just you and I come over on Monday? I need a bit of a stress break."

"Sounds good to me. How would you feel if I hired professional movers to help pack up, and you won't even have to be there most of the time?"

"I'd like that very much. Thank you."

"I'll take care of it. Are you ready to go, now?"

"Yeah."

After Mark stood and extended his hand to help Dee Dee up from the floor, she look time to gently fold AJ's blanket and place it neatly on his bed.

"We'll get things in order." He said while escorting her from the rom. "I'll be with you through it all."

"I know you will."

Mark had hoped that talking with Dee Dee at her house would have helped it. It seemed that it had, but after returning to their suite, she wasn't up to watching movies, talking or even eating. She went to bed and when he checked on her, she was lying on her side, asleep with her baby's bear clutched to her chest. She had gone quite some time without clinging to the toy out of despair, but now, she needed to have its comfort again. He slowly pulled the blanket up to her shoulders and gently kissed her temple before leaving her to rest.

The next day, Rick and Anna met for lunch at restaurant near his hotel.

"What are you planning to do?" Anna questioned.

"I really don't know. At this point, maybe it's best that I don't go by plans. They don't seem to be working."

"Mine have failed, too." Anna exhaled sharply. "I've been thinking of going home in a couple of days or so."

"I've thought the same. I don't want to go, but I don't know what else to do at this time." Rick took a sip of his lemonade and let his chin rest on his folded hands. "Maybe if I did leave her alone for a while, she'll come back to us on her own. I don't want her to feel pressured, but at the same time, I'm starting to lose my patience. I've never known her to be in such a state. I don't know what to do outside of an intervention."

Two days had come and gone, and Dee Dee hadn't had any contact with her mother or Rick. Neither she nor Mark had even run into Anna at the hotel, though Mark did call to check on her twice within those two days. He'd gotten Dee Dee to start eating again, and even coaxed a few giggles from her.

"I thought we might go out for a bit, but it's supposed to rain all day. Are you interested in staying in and watching movies?"

"Sure." Dee Dee answered as she drew her legs up on the sofa. "Today's one of those days to stay inside, keep on your pajamas and either watch movies, listen to music, or sleep."

"I think I can manage all three." Mark smiled. "We'll start off with a movie."

"Okay. We can watch out here on the sofa so you can give me a foot massage." Dee Dee raised her brow.

"Excuse me?" Mark cocked his head to one side. "You mean so we can give each other foot massages. I'm not getting cheated out of mine this time."

Dee Dee giggled. "Alright. I'll be nice this time."

When the first film was over, Dee Dee went into the kitchen to gather more snacks.

"I'll get it!" Mark called to Dee Dee as he heard someone at the door. "Anna. Rick." Surprised to see the two, Mark knew the unscheduled visit probably wouldn't go very well. "Come in."

"Thank you." The two replied. Both took note of the sofa; a pillow at each end and a warm blanket that indicated to them that Mark and Dee Dee had been cozily sharing the space.

The three greeted each other warmly as Mark asked them to have a seat.

Dee Dee's mother also noted that Mark was in a pair of lounging pants and a t-shirt. She knew that it was his hotel suite as much as it was her daughters, and that he had a right to wear what he pleased, but she wondered why he was in what could be sleepwear in the middle of the day. She didn't question him; only took a seat on the loveseat beside Rick who had also noticed the man's attire. "We want to talk to Dee Dee. Is she here?" Anna asked.

"Yes, she's…" Before he could finish, Dee Dee entered the room.

Anna noticed that the shorts for the pale yellow pajama set were shorter than she expected to see her daughter wear in front of Mark. Rick was also taken by surprise, but kept his thoughts to himself.

"What are you two doing here?" Dee Dee crinkled her brow. "Mom, I don't feel like arguing with you again."

"I'm not here to argue. I plan to leave in a couple of days and I just want to tell you a few things. Maybe it'll help us both."

"Yeah, whatever." Dee Dee crossed her arms and shook her head in annoyance. "Rick, I've told you over and over that I don't want to see you. Why do you keep coming after me?"

"Because I'm not one to give up, especially not on you. If you'll just give me a few minutes to speak my peace; just give me a chance to say what's in my heart, and I'll leave you alone for good, if you still want that. I swear."

"Fine." Dee Dee huffed and tried to make herself comfortable on the sofa beside Mark. "You know, Mark has been trying to get me to talk to you; to make sure that I'm truly done with you before we continue on with our relationship. I guess now is a good time to get it over with. The both of you just say what you need to say, okay? I'm just too tired to fight."

Anna, taking note of the obvious tension building from her daughter, cleared her throat to begin her explanation. "I'm leaving the day after tomorrow."

"I see." Dee Dee answered quietly.

"I want to clear the air before I leave, because I don't know when we'll see each other again."

Mark stood to excuse himself and let them all speak privately, but all three told him it wasn't necessary; that he should hear what was to be said.

Anna continued. "I realize that I've done more to hurt you than to help you, and that we just can't see eye-to-eye on certain things."

"You're right." Dee Dee tensed up even more. "I've really tried, but nothing I do ever pleases you. It's always been that way."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is, mom. You know it is." Dee Dee stood and folded her arms across her chest. "I don't think we're the type of mother and daughter to ever be best friends, and we'll have to live with that. It's okay. That's just how it is."

"You do know that I love you, right?"

Dee Dee hesitated and thought of how she felt. "I…I think you do love me, but…not as much as you could. You don't love me with all your heart and soul, the way I loved my baby."

Mark saw the tears welling in Dee Dee's eyes and wanted to wrap his arms around her, but felt that she needed to continue on without anything that may cause her to stop talking.

"Sweetheart, I do love you."

"I know, but like I said, it's just not with your whole heart and soul. I can't do anything to change it, so I'll live with it. I love you; mom, but you just don't understand me. You never will, and for whatever reason that makes you feel the way you do about me, is something that only you may ever know."

"I'm sorry that I haven't been a great mother. I guess I should have asked someone to help me with that."

Dee Dee shook her head as a single tear fell. "You can't be taught how to be a great mother because no two women or children are alike. You just love your children; let them know that they matter, that you care, and that you're interested in their lives; make an effort to put yourself second and your children first." Two more tears fell from her eyes. "If you blame me for screwing up your life, you shouldn't. You can't be angry at me for your becoming pregnant before you were married. It's not fair."

"I never blamed you. I'm sorry that you felt that way." Anna replied solemnly. "I know I said that I didn't come here to upset you, but I have to be honest about something that I've held in for years. Maybe it'll help you understand why I behave the way I do at times.

Feeling more and more like he was intruding, Mark once again suggested that he leave, but Anna told him that she'd like for him to stay. "Dee Dee may need you here while I say what I have to."

Dee Dee nodded. "She's right. You never know what she'll say next, and I don't know how much more I can take. Besides, apparently she wants Rick to hear it and he's here to support her, so why shouldn't you be here for me?" She sat beside Mark again as Rick uncomfortably shifted his weight at hearing the comment.

"This won't be easy for either of us, but I have to say it." Anna added. "You deserve to know."

"Alright. What is it?" Dee Dee asked in aggravation.

Anna couldn't believe that she was finally about to express how she truly felt about her daughter, but pushed herself to do so, knowing that the decision could pull them even further apart. "I really didn't want to be a mom when I found out I was pregnant with you. Your dad and I were still young and wanted to continue to tour the world, to vacation at the drop of a hat; just to live as freely as we chose to. We weren't even ready to get married, though we knew we would someday. When we found out I was pregnant…we talked of…an abortion."

Mark looked on in disbelief as he felt Dee Dee take his hand in hers as her heart sank. Knowing how hard she prayed for a baby, how she prayed for him or her to be born healthy; it ripped through her core to know that her little boy was over after begging God to spare him, but that her parents considered ending her life before she was born. A chill ran down her spine. "You were always honest with me about getting married because you were pregnant, but this…well, I've always wondered if you thought that way, and now I have my answer."

Rick knew that Anna was going to tell Dee Dee something about her life, but he never expected to hear this particular news. He saw the pain in Dee Dee's eyes and wanted to console her, but knew it was best to remain as he was.

"We knew we couldn't live with ourselves if we had followed through, as it was us who created a child and we would be taking its life. When you were born; so beautiful, perfect and precious, we both cried with guilt. We were truly ashamed for thinking of not seeing the pregnancy through. I went into a deep depression for several weeks. It was hard for me to be around you, so I let others care for you. When you were about five weeks old, I finally came out of my depression and could take you into my arms and tell you how much I wanted and loved you just like your father had been doing since day one. Your father and I did love you so very much, but we just didn't know how to be parents and we really didn't try to learn how, especially since we always had a nanny or a sitter to look after you. It may sound selfish, but we thought they were taking better care of you. As you grew older, I felt that I owed it to you to try and handle things in your life that I didn't think you could handle. I wasn't trying to be cruel, I just thought you were making bad decisions and needed someone to correct you." Anna lowered her head. "I wasn't around enough to truly get to know the real you; your aspirations for your adult life. When I'd learn of them and how different they were from mine and your father's, I didn't know how to take it. I felt that you were rebelling against us, but you were just being who you were. You weren't hurting yourself or anyone else, but it just didn't suit me so I wanted to change you into something you weren't meant to be." She looked at her daughter. "I worried that you'd have a baby before you were ready and I didn't want you to feel about your child the way I felt about you in the beginning. When you were pregnant, it was plain to see that you were overjoyed with knowing you'd be a mom. I think I was jealous…no, I know I was jealous of that. I was also jealous of how confident you were with every decision you'd make. I'd never been that way, and it was odd for me to see that my child was a stronger person than I was, when I, as the parent was supposed to help build her strength. When you decided to become a police officer, it did hurt us. We wanted so much more for you because you had the opportunity to attend the best universities, to travel, to meet all sorts of interesting and successful people, to marry a wealthy man who would take care of you."

"It wasn't about you. It was about me. And it sure wasn't about the money." Dee Dee retorted. "I didn't want to lead the country club life. I wanted to get out and help people. I wanted to make a difference, even if it did mean risking my life. It's what I had to do, just like you had to run off and leave your child alone while you vacationed in various parts of the world."

"I deserve that." Anna burst into tears. "We failed. I'm still failing, but please believe me when I say that I want you to be happy. Your father and I lived our lives, and I want you to live yours, too. Whatever you want to do…do it. Our time on earth is limited and we should live every second of it." She expelled a ragged sigh and wiped her tears. "I know that you're a very strong woman, very strong-willed and determined, and I often wish that I had the same characteristics. I guess that was one of my problems with not being a great mother; not a strong enough will when I needed it. Regardless of what you may think of me, you're my baby, I'm sorry that I hurt you, I'm proud of you and I do love you. That'll never change, no matter what. After losing AJ, I tried to imagine myself losing you so tragically as a child and as an adult. It ripped my heart to shreds, and I can't begin to fathom how it is for you. For you to live through it; no, I never gave you enough credit for being so strong. When you married Steven, I thought you were far too young to be a wife, and that he was too old to be your husband, but ten years seems like a big gap when your daughter is only nineteen and dating a twenty-nine year old man. I felt that you rushed yourself into marrying Alex. I always thought that you should have taken time to work things out with Rick, and when you didn't, I felt that you were making a mistake."

"Weren't these all my mistakes to make and to learn from?"

"Yes, and I'm sorry."

With her eyes cast downward, Dee Dee tightened her grip around Mark's hand as an assortment of emotions clashed in an attempt to expel themselves simultaneously. "Thank you for finally being honest about everything." She looked up at her mother. "It hurt like hell to hear it, but at least I know how you've felt about me all my life. I do believe that you love me." Her eyes glistened with tears as they began to fall. "I just wish we could have had the relationship I always fantasized about. It just wasn't meant to be, but it could have been worse."

"How do you mean?" Anna questioned.

"There are kids out there right now who are being physically abused by their parents. Some of them won't even survive the night, and it'll be at the hands of their parents."

"Oh, sweetheart. We could never have done something so horrible to you."

"I know." Dee Dee replied solemnly. "It just crossed my mind for a second. When you hear that your parents didn't want you, thoughts like that tend to pop up."

"I know it's a lot to absorb, but since we seemed to be drifting further apart, I felt that if I was honest with you and with myself, maybe we could somehow find a way to use the truth to grow closer. If not, at least you'll know that I'm no longer keeping it from you."

"At least I know that you don't hate me like I always thought you did." Dee Dee tears increased. "It's going to take a while for me to get used to all of this information, but maybe some good will come of it."

"I hope so." Anna replied as she hugged her daughter. "I really do."

Rick and Mark made eye contact; both feeling content to know that the two women had just opened a new chapter in their lives together that may help Dee Dee be rid of some of her anguish.

Dee Dee tried to make herself comfortable at her post beside Mark, but found it hard to manage as she grew angered at knowing that she now had to listen to Rick. "What do you have to say? Whatever it is, make it quick."

The spotlight had been put on Rick, but he wasn't about to act. He was about to speak directly from his heart and hope that Dee Dee would soak up every single word and emotion given.

Rick sat on the edge of the loveseat and looked directly into Dee Dee's eyes. "I'm here to be straight with you. You need a serious reality check and I'm going to give it to you. I don't care what you do or say, you're not going to stop me. I'm tired of this shit and I'm putting an end to it."

(Continued...)


	25. Chapter 25

(Chapter Twenty-Five)

Dee Dee smirked. "Is that a fact?"

"It is. I already know that this won't be pretty, but I don't give a damn. I'm fed up with you behaving like this. We all know you've suffered a tragedy, but it's no reason for you to act as if you've lost your mind when we all know you haven't."

"What the hell do you know?"

"I know that you need help. You're not yourself and you haven't been since losing Alex and AJ. It's one thing to be hurt, angry and depressed, but you're going through some changes that aren't making sense."

"Really? I'd like to know just exactly how you'd handle being in my situation. You have no idea….not an inkling of what it's like to be me."

"I don't know exactly how I'd handle it, but I'd like to think that I'd let the people who care for me, help me."

"I have Mark who cares about me and who is helping me. You already know that, so don't act as if he doesn't count."

"I'm not saying that he doesn't count, but he doesn't know you the way I do."

"And how do you know me, Rick?"

"There have been times when I could read your mind, and you could read mine. Our thoughts would be in sync and I could look into your eyes and know what you wanted to say. Most importantly, I know you heart."

"That was in the past and we don't have than connection anymore. You don't know anything about what's in my heart. If you did, you'd know to stop trying to fight your way back into my life. I have nothing left for you."

"That's a lie and you know it."

Dee Dee crossed her arms over her chest. "Calling me liar? Nice way to treat someone you supposedly care about."

"You're just pissed off and you don't know how to handle it. You're taking your anger out on me, and it's time that you stopped. You need to get a grip, Dee Dee. Stop being so damn stubborn and be honest with us all, especially with yourself. You want to talk to me. You want to tell me what's wrong. You want to have me, your best friend support you. Take the time to actually talk to me, Dee Dee. Don't give me a fucking load of shit about how you _think_ you feel."

"Nice language to use around my mother, Rick."

"Anna and I already discussed the fact that my language may be a bit rough."

"Yes, we did, and I won't be offended." Anna chimed in. "I told him to say whatever he needed in order to try and get through to you."

"You both planned all of this together, didn't you?" Dee Dee asked Anna. "First, you want to tell me about how you didn't want me, then you did, and hoped that I'd forgive you for the way you've treated me." She turned her focus back to Rick. "You decided that it's fine to come here and talk to me any way you choose, to disrespect me as long as you think you'll get your way. What a setup you two arranged. Since you two don't mind the language, be prepared for me to release a few of my own choice words."

"I just want to get things out into the open. If you never want to see me again, then fine, but before we cut all ties, you're going to listen to me."

Dee Dee knew that she had asked Rick about what he had to say, but she was becoming furious at his behavior. She rushed out the living room and into her bedroom.

"Excuse me." Mark followed behind her and found her pacing the floor with fury in her eyes.

"Who the hell does he think he is?!" She questioned. "For someone who wants to help me, he has a screwed up idea about how to do it!"

"I know." Mark answered. "It's very upsetting, and I wish he'd try a different approach, but I don't think he will. If you want me to say something to him about it, I will."

"If he keeps it up, you and I both may have to tell him where to get off."

"Do you want to let him talk?"

"No, not really."

"Okay, but though I don't appreciate how he's handling it, you know that I think you two should talk. I've thought that for a long while."

Dee Dee sighed. "I know. You think it'll be for the best."

"Yes, I do, but only if you're able to get your point across, too." Mark sat on the bed and pulled Dee Dee onto his lap. "I know that you're dreading it, but remember that we can't move forward with our relationship unless you get things out into the open with him. If you're over him, then fine, but what if there's something still lingering and you need to address it? Like I said before, if we're meant to be together, nothing will stop that. If you're afraid that you'll find that you do care for him, then I'll have to deal with that. It'll hurt like hell for me to lose you to him or any other man, but the point is, you have to be true to yourself. You can't keep trying to please everyone else and suffering the pain of it, you know?"

Dee Dee draped her arms around Mark's neck and smiled. "Are you of this planet?" I've never known any man to be so loving and giving toward others. I know that you love me, and you've shown that by not only with affection, but with wanting to make me happy even if you think you could lose me. I know there's no such thing as a perfect person, but you're awfully close." She giggled.

"Hey, I'm just an odd one." He smiled. "I was raised to believe that it's better for others, as well as for myself to try and make people happy, rather than unhappy. I use less energy and I'm less stressed by going that route, plus meditation after getting pissed off can help." He and Dee Dee laughed before he continued. "Don't get me wrong as I've had to deal with a few undesirables in my day. I just don't talk about it very often." His tone became quite serious. "One thing for sure; if anyone every does anything to hurt you, they'll have to answer to me. I don't care who it is. I mean that."

"I believe you." Dee Dee hugged him and kissed him softly on the cheek. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. Are you ready to face the lions?"

"I might as well be." Dee Dee stood and headed back to the living room with Mark behind her. They went into the kitchen to get some soft drinks for the group, and tried to prepare for what was to come. Mark hugged her and told her to be strong and that he'd be right by her side.

When they took their seats back on the sofa, she looked at Rick. "Just so you know, Mark has been trying to get me to talk to you for several weeks, but I didn't want to. He said that you and I need to get things resolved one way or another so that I can move on, and so that he and I can move on with our own relationship without wondering if you had anything worth listening to, and if I might have any inkling of a positive thought toward you. He also said that if; and I say this with a big _if_, that there's a chance of my wanting to rekindle anything with you, he's willing to step aside if it'll make me happy. He loves me just that much, in case you didn't know. You should be grateful to him for this, but you probably aren't, so just say what you need to say."

Rick didn't reply, but thought that if Mark was being honest, then Dee Dee did have a good man in her life. He couldn't be angry at knowing that she was truly loved.

"Rick, before you start…" Mark began. "Please understand that I don't want you to make things worse for her. I have a great amount of respect for you, but if you hurt her, you'll have me to deal with."

Rick nodded. "If you love her like you say you do, then I should hope you'd protect her just like I would."

"Without a doubt."

The two men made themselves understood without any anger or disrespect.

"I'm ready to talk, now, Dee Dee."

"Go on."

"Alright." Rick inhaled and exhaled a deep breath. "I don't think you've dealt with your loss in the proper way. I think that you need to see a therapist to help you with the things that Mark may not be able to handle. You remember how at work, we had a therapist on hand because there were some things that people couldn't sort out for themselves, and not even with the help of their partners, friends or family. Talking to people who care for you is one thing, but if they don't have the professional skills, you may end up in worse shape."

Dee Dee rolled her eyes, but remained silent.

"I need to understand why you continue to blame me for Alex and AJ's deaths. I know that you don't truly mean it. You can't. I know that there was a misunderstanding when we talked about you staying with me or going back to Alex, and I know you were upset with me about that, but that doesn't give you cause to seriously think that I could be to blame. If you had stayed, yes, maybe AJ would still be here, but…"

"Maybe?!" Dee Dee snapped.

"I'm sorry. Poor choice of words."

"You know for a fact that he'd still be here! How the hell could he have been killed in that car if we were living in LA?! How?!"

"I know…you're right. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it the way it sounded."

Mark stroked the center of Dee Dee's back. "Take a minute to breathe." He told her.

She followed his suggestion and began to calm down.

Rick felt that he could continue. "Tell me why you hate me so much? You've said it's because it's my fault that they died, but there has to be more…something that makes more sense, at least to me. Please help me understand, Dee Dee."

"I told you before. You knew that I was having a hard time with my marriage, that I was still in love with you and that I wanted to stay and raise my baby where we belonged. I had decided at the last minute to just give up on Alex, though I was terrified that he'd take me to court and try to gain custody of the baby, but I thought that with help from you, my mom and the attorneys she'd hire, I'd have a great chance of winning. When I was trying to tell you this, you cut me off in mid-sentence and told me to go back to Alex because you knew that's what I wanted to do…that I couldn't just walk away. I didn't know what to say. I had explained everything else to you, but you didn't even suggest that I try to stay and save myself and my baby from the misery. You were supposed to care for us, but you didn't. I felt so dismissed…so thrown away. I knew right then that you didn't give a damn, so why stay where I wasn't wanted?"

"Dee Dee…" Anna spoke up. "You could have stayed with me. I would have helped you."

"Mom, even if I had chosen to stay and fight against Alex, how could I have taken the chance of running into Rick, knowing that he wanted me gone? I still loved him so much. You know that I told you that I loved him more than I loved Alex."

Anna and Rick exchanged glances.

"I guess it would have been pretty hard, but if you had stayed, even if you couldn't be with Rick, then at least…"

"What? At least AJ would be alive?"

"I wasn't going to say that. I was going to say that at least you'd have been out of a miserable marriage."

"No, you weren't. You were going to say that if I had stayed, my baby would be alive. You blame me. You think that if I hadn't gone back, none of this would have happened."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is." Dee Dee turned her gaze toward Rick. "That's what you think, too. You both blame me for my baby's death, but it's not my fault. It's not my fault, is it Mark?"

"No, sweetheart." Mark began to stroke her back again. "It's not your fault at all."

"That's what they think. They've always thought that." Tears fell from Dee Dee's eyes. "They also think that if I could have helped Jaeden, why couldn't I help my own baby?"

"Is that how you really think they feel about you?"

Dee Dee nodded. "Yeah."

"What else do you think they feel?" Mark questioned.

"They think I was stupid for staying with a man that I didn't love as much as I could have."

Rick and Anna looked on quietly as Mark continued to coax Dee Dee into speaking her thoughts.

"They…they think I should have taken the baby…with me in my…car." She was now sobbing.

Mark pulled Dee Dee into his arms. "Keep talking."

"He wanted…to ride with his daddy. He said he...liked his daddy's…truck. He loved…riding...in that...damn truck. I shouldn't have…let him. I should have made him…get into…my car. They hate me…because I let him go. They do."

Though she'd never expressed herself to him in this exact manner, Mark had known for a long time of what she was feeling. As he continued to console her, Rick decided to speak up once again.

"You're full of it, Dee Dee. You're completely full of shit and you know it."

Anna looked at him in surprise, hoping he didn't mean to be so harsh.

Dee Dee slowly raised her head from Mark's shoulder. "What?"

"Hold on a minute, Rick." Mark said. "I think I know what you're about to do, but watch yourself. Like I said earlier, if you hurt her, you deal with me. Be careful with your approach, alright?"

Rick didn't respond to Mark and looked directly at Dee Dee. "I said you're full of shit. You blame yourself for it all, but you want to push it off onto Alex and me. You've just sat there and told us how we blame you, but what you're really saying is that you blame yourself. You're just not brave enough to say it like you mean it."

The look of shock was most evident on Dee Dee's face. "This is one of the reasons why I hate you! You think you know every single thing about me, but you don't! How can you talk to me like this and think you'll get away with it?!" She stood in the center of the room. "You're nothing to me, Rick Hunter! Nothing! I want you to get out!"

"No, you don't." You're lying and you know it."

"Shut up! Get out of here!"

"No!" Rick raised his voice. "I'm not leaving until you own up to the truth! You do whatever Mark tells you, you listen to every word he says, and you'll go wherever he goes, but you can't give your mom or me a break! It's not fair, Dee Dee!"

"What the fuck do you know about fair?!"

Though she'd warned them of the language she may use, none of them had ever heard her use that particular form of profanity, and tried not to let it rattle them.

Rick was now standing a couple of feet from her. "I know that you're not being fair to us and you're not being fair to yourself! You're being selfish! You're just ridiculous with this whole thing! I can't stand that you're this way, and I don't give a damn how much you play the pity card, you're not going to win this game!"

Mark felt his heart rate increase. He knew that Rick was trying tough love, but he wasn't happy with how strong his tactics were. "Rick, take it easy."

"No, Mark. I won't. I've known her much longer than you have, and I know what she can and can't take. I know what I'm doing."

"Rick…" Anna spoke up. "Are you sure you're not too harsh with her?"

"I'm sure, Anna. I know what I'm doing. I have to get through to her, and I'll do what I have to. I don't care how angry she gets. She'll get over it."

(Continued...)


	26. Chapter 26

**Hello, readers.**

**In case you're wondering, yes, there is an end to this story. ;) **

**I know that some of you are impatient when it comes to how long it takes for me to post chapters, but some things in life away from fanfiction have to come first. For this reason, many choose to read stories that are complete, which I can fully understand. I don't have any control over certain things like emergencies (illnesses, family business, my job, etc.) that arise and must be tended to, and they may keep me from writing and posting as much as I'd love to. I've been ill with a severe ear infection in both ears for over six weeks, so that slowed me down, but it was not my intent to get the infections. Things like this just happen.**

**I truly appreciate those of you who ask nicely for new updates and offer support as you know that I have more things to do than write at times. Thank you so much! You guys are so sweet! :D**

* * *

**(Chapter Twenty-six)**

"I told you that he doesn't care about me, mom. You see that for yourself, but you wanted me to be with him." Dee Dee wiped the newly formed tears from her eyes. "I can't believe that I ever loved him."

"Dee Dee, I told you that you needed a reality check, and that's what you're getting." Rick grabbed her hands and pulled her closer as she struggled to get away.

"Let me go!" She ordered.

"No." He pulled her into his arms with her back against his chest, pinning her arms at her side holding her tightly in his grasp. "Talk to me. I'm not letting go until you talk to me the way you need to."

Mark looked on; making sure Dee Dee wasn't waiting for him to pull Rick away. He knew to let her handle her own battles when she could.

"Talk to me, Dee Dee." Rick demanded. "Tell me why you're so angry Why do you hate me? I don't want any bullshit about how I killed your family, either. I want the truth. You know I'm not to blame, so stop making excuses for what you really feel. Tell me."

"I…I…it's…I can't! Please leave me…alone!"

"No, I won't! You need me!" Rick raised his voice in hopes of making her angry enough to speak. "Why, Dee Dee?! Why are you so angry with me?!"

"You stopped caring! You didn't visit or call enough!" Dee Dee began to answer furiously. "AJ could have…known you better! We'd come home to visit my mom, but you rarely stopped by to see us! You didn't answer my calls when I…needed you! I was unhappy with Alex, and I needed you!"

"Why else do you hate me?"

"I told you! You sent me away!"

"Keep going. What else did I do wrong?"

"You were afraid of Alex!" Dee closed her eyes as her voice lowered with increasing tears. "You let him dictate our…friendship. He was jealous…of you…and me. He didn't want us to be friends. Didn't want you around AJ. He knew I was still in love…with you…knew I wanted...to stay with you."

"You think I neglected you and that I was afraid of Alex? What about Alex? How do you really feel about him?"

"He wanted…to take my baby because I loved you." Her sobbing intensified. "He did! He did take him! He…he killed…him! He punished me…for loving you! You both killed him! We wouldn't have…been there that day, if…if you hadn't sent…me back! If he hadn't…taken my baby…in that truck!"

"You think I'm at fault. You think Alex is at fault."

"Yes!"

"Who else? Who else do you blame?"

"Don't do this, Rick! Please just let me go!"

"No. I can't."

"Please. Please, just stop!"

Anna and Mark watched as the scene continued to unfold, both knowing that Dee Dee may be reaching a new level within her suffering. Each could only hope that it would work in her favor.

"Did I send you away, Dee Dee? Did I really send you back to Alex, or did you go back on your own? Tell me who else is it that you blame."

"Help me, Mark!" Dee Dee called as she began to fight harder to free herself from Rick.

He rushed to her. "I'm here, baby. Let her go, Rick."

"I'm not finished."

"I said let her go." Mark ordered sternly.

Rick was hesitant, but released his hold on Dee Dee.

Mark led her to the sofa and wiped her tears away and then held her tightly. "It's okay." He applied a gentle kiss to her red and tear-stained cheek. "Take your time to gather yourself. I'm not leaving you."

Anna got up to try to help console her daughter, but Dee Dee quickly recoiled and pulled herself closer to Mark. She hadn't seen Dee Dee in such a state since the night she first accused Rick of being responsible for AJ and Alex's deaths. She noted that this moment may actually be a bit more intense and she worried that Dee Dee may be hurting more than ever.

When she felt her breathing slowing, Dee Dee began to speak to Mark without raising her head from his chest. "You already know. I don't have to tell anyone else, do I?"

"Yes, I know. I've known for a long time. It's up to you to tell or not, but you also have to be sure if you're ready."

Rick sat beside Anna who had just returned from the kitchen with glasses of water for each of them. The two both looked on, trying to decipher the conversation that took place across from them.

Dee Dee exhaled a ragged sigh. "I don't think…I can stand it anymore."

"Then do what you feel is right. If you think now is the time, then do it. I'll be with you the entire time. I promise and I'll keep that promise."

"I was doing so much better. Now, they come here and I…oh, God I'm just so tired. I'm tired of it all."

"I know. I'll make sure that you're taken care of. You'll make it through this and you'll begin to heal."

She looked up at him and winced. "My head."

"It's hurting again?"

"Yes. It hurts so bad."

"Remember meditating? Just breathe the way I taught you." Mark had been concerned about the headaches since she complained weeks ago, and she finally convinced him that they were stress-related, and he noted that she was having symptoms of migraines. With the events of the moment, it was truly evident that stress was the culprit. "Slow your breathing. Take deep breaths. Try to relax."

Anna and Rick watched anxiously as Dee Dee closed her eyes and fought through the headache with Mark's supporting words. Rick had known her to get minor tension headaches in the past, but they were never this intense. It worried him. "Is she going to be okay?" He asked.

"Yes." Mark replied quietly. "Give her a few minutes. When she gets overly stressed and upset, they come on strong. They're usually headaches, but she's also had a couple of migraines."

Rick averted his eyes from Mark and Anna as the guilt rose within him. He knew that his actions since they'd been in the suite are what brought on the headaches. He still wasn't ready to give up on getting her to open up about her feelings. He looked at her as she began speaking to Mark.

"If I say it…" Dee Dee clinched a portion of Mark's t-shirt in her fist. "You swear you'll get me through this?"

"I swear it with all my heart."

"It'll make the headaches stop?"

"Yes."

"Will I start to move ahead?"

"Yes."

"I need you to help me, Mark. Please help me."

"I love you and I'll do what I can to help you."

Dee Dee nodded. "I love you, too."

Knots formed in Rick's stomach at hearing their confessions of love, though it wasn't news to him that they supposedly felt this way. He just still felt that Dee Dee had been hasty with the relationship and still couldn't believe they were so much in love in such a short time. She'd rushed into marrying Alex and he could only hope that she wouldn't do the same with Mark.

"I'm scared, and it's so hard for me to say it." Dee Dee added as she opened her eyes. "But…I just want it over with."

"You don't have to be scared because they'll understand. I know they will. I'm with you whenever you're ready."

Dee Dee inhaled a sharp gasp of air and quickly forced it out. She squeezed Mark's hand and then stood in the center of the room with him at her side. She looked at her mother and Rick. "It was my fault."

Rick and Anna looked at her in confusion.

"What was?" Anna asked.

"Everything. My baby's death. My husband's death. It was my fault."

* * *

(Continued...)


	27. Chapter 27

(Chapter Twenty-seven)

"No, sweetheart. It wasn't your fault in any way." Anna replied in a consoling tone. "It was a horrible accident."

"It was a horrible accident that wouldn't have happened, if I had done what I was supposed to do."

"What do you mean by that?" Rick cautiously questioned her.

Dee Dee looked to Mark who gave her a nod of encouragement. "Rick, you didn't force me to leave LA. No one did. After the way things turned out, I felt I should leave and try to get over you. Even if we didn't end up together, I probably could have divorced Alex and lived with my baby in California or in any other state. I was afraid of a custody battle…fearful of losing, so I didn't even try fighting. That's why it's my fault. I screwed up and my baby suffered for it." She felt the guilt growing every second. "I often think of how I was able to help Jaeden when he needed someone, but no one saved my baby, not even his own mother. I love Jaeden so much, and I'm glad I was there for him, but I just wish my baby had been as lucky. He called AJ his little cousin and I wanted them to be close like real cousins, but that's not to be, so I let both of my boys down."

"I'm sorry, Dee Dee." Rick replied softly. "You shouldn't feel that way. You…"

"Please, just let me talk. That's what you wanted, isn't it?" She sighed in frustration. "We all know that I didn't love Alex as much as I should have, so I shouldn't have been with him. Even when things were better between us, we still weren't truly happy together. I always loved you more and he knew it. In a way, I was being unfaithful to him because I was always thinking of you. That's probably another reason that I was punished by losing my baby." She paused for a moment as the guilt continued to increase. "Since Alex knew how I felt about you, I was afraid that he could somehow use that against me in the custody hearing, so that helped to keep me from pursuing the divorce. Just before the accident, I thought I was pregnant, but after getting back to LA, I found out that I wasn't. I told mom that I didn't think I could handle being pregnant, let alone take care of a baby, and I didn't know what to do about it. Seeing that the test was negative, I had multiple emotions all at once because I wanted a part of AJ with me, but I felt it wouldn't be fair to the baby for me to want him or her because I missed AJ. I was angry at the thought of having a part of Alex living on in the baby, after what he'd done to me. He'd taken AJ from me forever. How would I have felt about my second child? I was afraid that I may not love him as I felt so much anger toward Alex." A lump formed in her throat and Mark handed her the water that Anna brought earlier. After a few sips, she handed the glass back to him and continued. "During all of that, I could have really used you to lean on; to have you to talk to about how I felt at that time, but you weren't there."

"Dee Dee, I…" Rick started to speak.

"No. Don't say anything. I've started and I'm not stopping. You wanted to know the truth; you're getting it. Now I'm going to tell you something else that's bothered me." She sighed and felt Mark's arms wrap a little tighter around her waist, causing her to lose some of the tension. "I felt that you've never really been there for me until after the fact, you know? This may all sound ridiculous to you, but it's how I've been feeling and it really turned into something huge after the accident."

Rick tensed up with piqued curiosity.

"Every time something tragic happens to me, you're never there until the worst has happened and I always have to relive it by telling you the details. You weren't there to protect me from Mariano, or Lassiter, when I was shot and paralyzed; you weren't even there when I found out that my dad had died, when I was miserable with Alex; just so many times. When it came to Alex, I'd call you in hopes of talking, but I'd get sidetracked by another topic you'd start and never get to what I needed to say. Your calls to me started to dwindle, so I figured you didn't care to talk to me. You just weren't there for me, but I have to blame myself. It wasn't meant for you to be every place at every moment to take care of me. I made the mistake of depending far too much on you. I went too far with the oath we took to protect one another and to die for one another on the job. I unintentionally tried to incorporate that into our lives away from the force, so when things got too tough for me, I wanted you there with me. When I saw the accident, I didn't know what to do. I needed you there to help me, but it wasn't meant to be." She entwined her fingers with Mark's. "So many times that you weren't there, but the worst of it all was when I saw AJ and Alex…that truck hitting them…and…" Her voice began to tremble as tears began to stream down her cheeks. "I saw it. I heard it. I..felt it. It was…sickening. I was living a nightmare. Mark was there from the beginning. He saw…he saw it all. I started running…trying to get to Alex's SUV…Mark knew I shouldn't see them…he grabbed me by my waist…stopped me. He stayed with me. He was there when…when they wheeled them past me. Alex was already…gone. He drove me to the hospital and stayed the entire time. He was with me when…they told me about AJ. He knew what was happening with me from the start. He knew, but you didn't. Just like before. You weren't there…when I needed you."

Rick took in a gulp of air as his eyes watered. Seeing Dee Dee in such pain was taking a toll on him. He started to speak in an effort to console her, but the look in her eyes told him to remain quiet as she continued.

She gently pulled herself up from Mark's supporting form and stood. "When you and I worked together, we made a vow to protect and to die for one another in the line of duty, but I obviously expected something like that when we weren't on duty. I shouldn't have. There was nothing that stated that you had to be there for me at my every command. It wasn't fair to you that I felt like you should be. Still…I was so angry at you for not being there for me at the first moment of the most horrific times of my life, but deep down, I knew it wasn't intended. I knew deep down inside that it just couldn't be helped. I just lost it for a while…went off into my own selfish world. I guess I was pretty much going out of my mind and I started thinking this way and going over the past to blame you for everything that I couldn't handle on my own." She nervously rubbed the palm of her left hand with her right thumb as she paced the floor. "You did what you could when you could, just like I know that you weren't at the restaurant because you couldn't be. You weren't even in London, so how could you have been there any sooner than you were? All of my pent up anxiety was focused on you because people lash out at those they're closest too when they're suffering. I felt guilty for trying to have Alex believe that I actually loved him with all my heart, when we both knew it wasn't true. I think he wanted to make it work after his promise to me, but we still knew things could have been better. Oh, I know he did love me, and I loved him, but we also knew that my feelings for you were always present and he didn't really trust me. I couldn't stand the fact my own faults, so I pushed my anger onto you. I chose every tiny bit of anything I felt that you did wrong, and I blew it all far, far out of proportion. I was wrong for that and I'm ashamed of myself for it and for so many other things. Rick, I owe you a huge apology for my behavior." She expelled a large gasp as her knees grew weak as the reality of her confessions set in. "I'm sorry for how I've treated you, and I can …admit the truth about a lot of things, now. I'm to blame…for my baby being gone. No one…but me. Oh, my God…my baby." She covered her face with her hands. "He's gone! I'm his mother…supposed to protect him…to die for him! I let him down! He's gone because of me!"

Anna watched with her heart racing, tearing streaming down her cheeks as she watched her daughter finally expel the feelings that kept her in so much pain. "Sweetheart, please don't say that."

"It's true, mom! It is!"

Rick was hesitant as he was unsure of her reaction, but found himself trying to offer some comfort. "No, Dee Dee. It isn't."

"Then whose is it?! Who do I blame, then?! Please tell me! Someone please tell me!" She helplessly looked around the room for someone to give her an answer, but none came. "I blamed the driver who let Alex pull out in front of him, I blamed the driver of the truck that hit them, I blamed you, and I blamed Alex! But I'm the one! We wouldn't have been there at all that day if not for me! It was me! It'll always be me!" She was obviously becoming unsteady on her feet as she grew more agitated.

Mark stood beside her to lead her to the sofa and felt the full weight of her body fall against him as her legs gave out before getting to the sofa. He gently eased down to the floor with her in his arms. "It's not your fault, and I've told you that from the start. Remember how we talked about not being able to control everything? Horrible things happen, though we may never know why." He stroked her hair as she sobbed. "You thought you were taking care of yourself and AJ, so you did what you felt was right. The accident took their lives. You didn't. None of this is your fault, okay?"

"Yes, it is. I was wrong…to blame Rick and…Alex. I couldn't…take the responsibility. I didn't want to. I had…to blame…someone else." Dee Dee heaved a sigh and pulled herself closer to Mark. "I failed my baby. I'm sorry…AJ. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Please don't hate me for what I did to you. I love you. I love my baby, Mark. I love him so much, and it hurts far too much that he's not here."

"I know, sweetheart. I know."

"Will he ever forgive me?"

"Your precious baby never held any anger against you. He adored you and there's nothing to forgive. Though he's not with you, you have to believe that he's very happy."

Dee Dee nodded. "I try to believe that he's happy, but it's so hard. I keep seeing him being wheeled past me. I keep seeing him in the hospital and then at…the funeral. It's so hard."

"I know, but you also have to believe that you couldn't have saved him, and that you have to stop blaming yourself.

With tears streaming from their eyes, Anna and Rick felt that they needed to be at Dee Dee's side and moved to sit on the floor with her and Mark.

Though she kept her grip tightly around Mark's neck and her face hidden against his chest, she didn't flinch at the gentle touches on her back from her mother and Rick. The two remained quiet for a moment while Mark whispered words of encouragement into her ear; shedding his own tears in the process. "I'm so proud of you. You've come so far and I hope you realize how strong you really are. You have people here who love you and who want to help you through all of this, but it's up to you to accept it or not."

"He's right, sweetheart." Anna added. "I'm so very proud of you, too. I want to do whatever you need for me to do in order to help you through this."

Once again, Rick was slow to offer his support out of fear of rejection, but he had to try. "Listen, Dee Dee. I want you to understand that I'm not angry with you about how you felt about me. I never was. I only wanted to understand why you felt that way so I could try to help. I still want to help you, and I hope you'll let me. If you choose not to, I'll accept it because it's what you want. I don't want to do anything to hurt you."

Dee Dee heaved a sigh. "I have suffered so much. I just want it all to stop."

Anna dabbed her eyes. "We'll do what we can to help make it stop."

"Yes, we will." Rick said. "Whatever you need, just tell us."

Mark continued to stroke her back. "I told you they wouldn't be angry at you or blame you for anything. They love you and want you to be happy."

Dee Dee nodded and slowly raised her head to look at Mark. "I want to be happy. I want it so badly."

"It'll happen." He replied as he gently wiped her tears with a tissue.

"You'll survive this, Dee Dee. Rick stated. "You're gonna be alright."

(Continued...)


End file.
